Am Back!

Landed here in the US of A, 3 weeks back. For the first time in the past 15 months, it is just me DH and Nikki in our home. We are on our own. It is nice in a way, but I do miss my mom. 3 loads of laundry (DH did not do laundry for the 1 month he was without us here), 7 packed bags waiting to be unloaded, handling Nikki completely on my own, cooking at least 2 meals a day, my hands are really full. I have been lurking around in all the mommy blogs, lot of exciting announcements happening (Congrats Poppin's mom, Moppet's mom, Lavs, Kodi's mom and Boo), new mommies, missed birthdays, there was a whole lot to catch up. It was fun reading all of your blogs. Thanks mnamma, it was your post that prompted me to write this update.

Big news from us(no no, not what you are thinking :-)) : Nikki started going to day care. It is 2.5 weeks now since he started and he is still crying, crying and crying. And refuses to eat anything there, he just starves and come home. Picked up cold there during the 2nd week and shuns food at home too. And guess where he is on the percentile chart?? He dropped out of it :-((((((. I simply am at a loss about how to feed this child. I feel miserable, incapable, inadequate,..., ... because my child is underweight. More about our eating struggles in the next post.

The trip was good and bad. ILs started quarreling from day 5, and it spoilt the entire mood of my vacation. I did not contact any of my friends, one friend contacted me knowing that I was here through one of my relatives. I do not want to delve into details, for I am trying to forget what happened. The relationship will not work. period. I do not know why they hate us so much. For now, I have decided to stop talking to them, it does not make sense and I am sure they do not wish to speak to me. You need efforts from 2 sides in order to make a relationship work. I can be at peace with myself, I did my best to make things work and if they are not taken in the right sense, I cannot help it.

One of the following 2 things should be true :

1. They are insane

OR

2. They are such greedy ego-maniacs who are incapable of love (not towards 3rd parties, even towards their own son, DIL and grandson).

Nikki and V(my cutest, sweetest niece whom I am meeting for the first time) & some retail therapy were the antidote to all these depressive things that were happening. It was so nice to see them both interact, Nikki calling V akka and she calling him Thambi, the duo would melt anybody's heart (as though one is not enough). I wish I could just package V into a suitcase and get her here.

Nikki's mottai function(he cried and cried and cried and cried till he couldn't cry anymore, I felt so bad for him) went on well with minor glitches(ILs sitting in the temple bad-mouthing me & our family, telling all nonsense to anyone who was willing to lend them their ears, I really wonder how I kept my calm).

Nikki got his first pair of pearlies during the trip and along with the mottai, he is looking utterly butterly cute. I will be home for the next 2 weeks, before I join my new job(oh yeah, more abt it later) and hopefully everything falls into routine by then.

Quick updates

The last 3 weeks have been extremely busy at Nikki’s household. What with 2 birthday parties (1 on the real birthday and a BIG one on the Saturday following his birthday), painting of the guest room, cleaning up house, shopping for India trip, I still haven’t been able to breathe normally. One GREAT thing that happened because of all this, I am out of my gloomy mood, the party planning and execution really cheered me up and I am my usual self now. Will do a detailed birthday post once I reach India. I absolutely have no time right now.

My mind is clear. How am I going to deal with ILs? By keeping calm, that’s it. They cannot quarrel with me, you need 2 sides to quarrel. I did the mistake once, will not repeat it again. I am sure they will come up with something because I am going to spend more time with my family & friends, at least until DH comes to India. And then it is upto DH where he wants to spend his time.

Two main resolutions that I am planning to follow this year:

1. Give up – Judging others & “Better than thou” attitude. I have stopped being critical about myself. Fights between me & DH have reached record proportions, I am leading a life that I vowed I will never let happen to me. I certainly do not want Nikki grow up seeing us like this. Both DH & I blame each other for not doing x, y, z’s we have forgotten that we have not done our a, b, c’s right. “Better than thou” is causing lot of inter-personal conflicts not only between DH & I, but also with others. DH is not willing to see his shortcomings, I will take the first couple of steps and I am sure he will see reason and follow suit.

2. Take back – calmness : I will not let my mind lose it’s calm because somebody else has lost theirs. It is not very tough, that is how I used to be, I can get back there, just by being mindful of every action / word that comes from me. Should not get so emotional for trivial things.

There many other small resolutions that I make every year: losing weight (this year add 5 month pregnant tummy to it), learn something new(take a course at the community college), do something to reduce my impatience (I think it is in my personality, the day I overcome this, I have become a saint) that never seem to happen. Let me see how things work out this year.

I have been reading all of your blogs, lurking around mostly because of lack of time, wanted to comment on lot of posts(DotMom’s concern about Chip liking pink, mnamma’s post, Kiran’s post on Krish’s new scooty, Tharini’s posts on Thambi & homemade kanji (you are awesome Tharini), CeeKay’s posts, Boo’s post on sledging, Parul’s posts, & whole load of others where I usually lurk around …). I do not know if I will have time. Will catch you all next weekend from India. Meanwhile, those of you believers, please pray that we have an uneventful trip and Nikki takes well to the flight travel.

HAPPY & HEALTHY NEW YEAR to ALL OF YOU. May all of us have the strength to keep up our resolutions!

Mired in my own thoughts...

let me accept it to myself. I am not as good as I think I am. I don’t like her and I cannot bring myself to forgive her, to be good to her or generally be a BIGGER, magnanimous person. the conflict in my mind is because I am trying to go against what comes naturally to me, to ignore / dislike someone who has caused so much of hurt(hurt is not the word, even trauma wouldn’t do justice). The problem is this is not that kind of relationship that can be ignored. I would feel guilty if I did it. it is very hard for me to be a hypocrite, so it is all the more tougher. It shows in my body language, I just cannot bring myself to feign affection and love. It is so not me. I am not a saint, “inna seithaarai oruthal avar nana nannayam seithu vidal” is very hard for me to do. I am not that kind of a person who wants to avenge either. I want to put IT back and get on with life. But I just am not able to FORGIVE or FORGET. I was OK for about 2 months, but it has come back haunting me again. Making me feel depressed, cry, giving me sleepless nights, extra ugly confrontations with DH, generally spoiling my life, the time I would have spent with Nikki, the time I would have spent reading a good book, cooking a new dish, talking to a good friend, choosing pictures for the collage frames that are lying idle for couple of months, hmm. I know I shouldn’t let this happen to me. She has forgotten everything and is having a good life. It is simply not worth my time. I know what the problem is. Me being the queen of lost moments, missed asking her so many things when IT happened. And I put up with abuse and kept completely quiet for the next 2 months, just because she was a guest at our home and the reason she was here is to look after Nikki so he won’t go to daycare before he is at least 1. Unless I give her a piece of my mind, and respond to everything she said, if not that, at least confront her for the insults that she meted out to my parents, especially my mom, I cannot be at peace. Wait, is this what is called revenge? I don’t know. Probably I am bad.

Do I know myself? Has IT revealed a completely new facet of my personality? I used to be the person who will keep quiet when I had confrontations with my father, sometimes he even has beat me, but I have put up with it calmly, forgiven him and almost forgotten everything. But what he spoke or did, did not hurt me THIS MUCH. It was kind of harmless, something that happened because he is a short-tempered person, he is not vile. I would just keep quiet for a couple of days, that will be my form of protest and ultimately either he or me will take the first step towards peace and everything will become normal. Nothing has haunted me THIS LONG and THIS MUCH in my life. Why it has come back NOW is because I am going to India. And I will have to go to THEIR house. I have no problem talking to THEM over the phone from here. I can manage that. But living in that house, just with the two of them, eating, sleeping, bathing, talking, smiling, listening to their talks, cooking dishes for them, eating food made by her, as though nothing ever happened between us, I simply cannot. I just CANNOT DO IT. But they have a right to enjoy Nikki, their grandson, and Nikki wouldn’t part with me, so I have to go. Do they have the right to enjoy the fruit of my womb whilst they hate me? Just because the seed for the fruit came from their lineage? I can manage being there for a few days or even for a week if DH is with us. I do not want to be there even for an hour when DH wouldn’t be there. There is no pressure for me from anyone. DH is completely cool, everything is upto you is what he says. See this is my problem. If he tells me, please try to stay there for a couple of days, I will fight with him . and if he tells me not to stay there, then I would ask him isn’t it wrong? After all, they are old people, they have some love (why it is only “some” is a big story) for Nikki, Nikki took to her well during her stay and I shouldn’t be denying them their rightful love. And there are these relatives with their endless inquisitive questions – when are you going to your in-laws?, oh you stayed there only for 2 days? Nikki is their property(I have already heard this).

I am making those painful phone calls every week just so we are in touch. With time, the calls have become less painful. But most of the times, something she says will linger on in my mind for a long time and will upset me. A remark that she makes comparing me with her daughter, something she says about DH, or I don’t know if it is me who takes everything in the wrong sense. Hmm. Human relationships are the most complex ones. It is tough to make DH understand where I am coming from in spite of being with him for so many years. Sometimes, I want to sit down with her, explain everything and tell her that she has misunderstood a lott of things, basically tell her that I am not what she thinks I am. And also gently remind her that she has no right whatsoever to insult my parents. And give her a chance to explain her behavior too. DH warns me she will never listen (he knows her better, after all his mother). It is akin starting another fight with her, if you start, it will be only you who will be hurt and do not come to me complaining about anything. She is foul-mouthed, arrogant, too egoistic and vile. (a sample: telling my mom that I do not love her or my family, I just act and talk as though I love them. logic: I don’t put food in her plate and give it to her, give her diabetes tablets on time, offer her snacks every now & then, generally take care of her).

DH thinks she has gone insane, so there is no point talking to her. Or else why anyone in their right mind would go to neighbors after I go to work and gossip about me, my parents, how I am torturing her at home, insulting her, give them her gold bangles and ask them to arrange tickets to India(her return tickets were already booked and she had the eticket with her), I shudder at the thought of somebody from DSS visiting us on complaints from our neighbors. Other than taking care of Nikki at home when we went to work (I used to telecommute on 3 days when she was here, so that lessened her burden), she was never asked by us to do ANY household work. She could not stand that her son’s house was run by me and she had no say whatsoever in lot of things (Back in India, FIL does all household work, she does only cooking – once a day, and spends all her time outside home(neighbors, window shopping). And she is an extremely dominant personality, arrogant often, FIL has no say whatsoever in anything, once he told me “I cannot spend even 5 paise without her approval”).

I think she also got lonely here when both of us went to work and that made her depressed. There was no Indian TV available in our area and we were not allowed to have satellite dishes. I did not have many tamil books for her to read, and she accused me for that too. “Idle mind is a devil’s workshop” – she misunderstood every little thing I spoke / did. If I shout at DH for not helping me clean the bathroom because there is tough stain and it hurts my wrists (I have a very bad case of De Quervain’s), she would understand that I am passing an insinuating comment at her that she made that stain and I am indirectly insulting her by asking DH to complete the cleaning. I am a v.e.r.y. absentminded person, misplace and will be searching for my rubber band(I have a couple that I use every other day) and cell phone almost everyday in the morning rush. One day I said “I don’t see any of my rubber-bands” while searching, apparently MIL was using some of mine, she thought I am insulting her, but she did not say anything to me or DH then. Instead she went to the neighbors after I went to work, cried to them telling them that I called her thief, got some rubber bands from them and used them. These are just samples, I can go on and on and on. Even if I try to brush off all these thinking that she really was depressed at that time, I cannot forgive her for the things she spoke to my mom. I am sure she was out of depression by then, having shouted at me, calling me names, accusing me of every possible mean thing, giving me curses in movie style(slapping her stomach with hands), threatening suicide when DH was not home, she did everything possible to hurt me other than hitting me. She tortured my mom with insults every single day(1 full month) that she lived with her. It really kills me when I think of that. And it is just 4 months since she left us. The wounds are still raw, I was almost into clinical depression, but for my mom’s presence here, I wouldn’t have survived it.

In the hindsight, I think I could have done a few things to avert this situation. I should have spoken to her more (DH doesn’t talk other than the mandatory conversations), got her books, arranged for some TV at least from the internet. She had gone to the neighbors (1 telegu, 1 tamil) and started comparing them with us and I think that is where the major problem started. This I don’t think I could have done anything. Neither could I have changed how things were at our home. I had lot of postpartum problems, without DH’s help I cannot run the home and also work full time. I can only make breakfast for him, cannot make sure he has it. Fruits are there for everyone to eat, I cannot feed him with fruits, milk and everything. And also attend to her, in spite of her showing a long face to me. Dynamics of every home is different, comparing will only add to the problems. This has taught me many lessons:
1. ILs can be mean just for the heck of it, no rhyme or reason.
2. Education and Age are not in anyway directly proportional to wisdom and maturity. They can very well be other way round.
3. Without knowing a person’s nature, do not get favours from them, do not invite them home for long stays, just because they are RELATED. Do not underestimate IL’s vileness.
4. Do not be so naïve (I did not know my MIL gossiping to neighbors about me for 2.5 months, until the day fight erupted and she told it to me herself. Never thought she HATED me so much, she was calling up her(ISD calls) relatives back in India and complaining about me. And the stupid me was talking to them nicely not knowing about all this, can quote lot of things from marriage days)

Now, I don’t know why I want to maintain relationship with them. Why am I against shunning them? Why do I want to keep peace with them? Because they are OLD? Because DH is their only son? Because they have fought with their daughter family as well and are not even in talking terms with them either? Because I want to be good? Because Nikki needs 2 sets of loving grandparents unlike me who had love from only one? Because I do not want to regret in the future that, had I given it a chance, things could have gotten better. Because it will be easier for me to “maintain” relationship since I am in the US? Is it because of a sense of duty towards them? Because they have some love for DH and Nikki? Because there were some faults on my side too? Little bit of everything I think. One thing is for sure, I just do not have it in me to undergo one more episode like this. It will break our marriage. This one already tested the strength of our marriage.

Hmmm. I go mad thinking how I should react to them in various hypothetical situations that might happen when I go visit. I should tell them this, that, what not. One part of me says, keep mum, do not start anything by yourself. Another part of me says, she cannot get away with what she has done. Another voice says, who am I to punish? She will not be able to bear it if I give her a piece of my mind. And it will only deteriorate things further. That is not what I want, so should I act as though nothing ever happened between us? What if she brings up something again? Endless questions. God, let me have the mental clarity to take things day by day, one at a time. Do not confuse my already confused mind with so many questions, hypothetical situations, what-ifs and whys. Let my mind imagine only positive things that I can look forward to. The time that I am going to spend with my family, my cutey naughty niece, my sister, my paati, uncles and aunts, seeing Nikki pampered with love, getting myself pampered, shopping with my mom and sister, seeing my friends and their kids, showing off Nikki to them, there are so many good things to look forward to. I need this break. Let nothing mar my vacation. PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE.

weaning

Girls, I have some questions on weaning:

• How long does it take for your body to stop milk production? It is close to 1 month since I weaned Nikki, my body still has not got the message. When we stopped, I was hardly producing 2 ounces a day.

• Can you resume breastfeeding after 3+ weeks of abstinence? (mum is advising against it, she says milk inside would have gone stale, I don't buy it, but just wanted to be sure because it was salty when I tasted it)

• Will there be any long term health problems if your milk stays in your breasts for a long time? (not mastitis)

PS: was thinking about posting this a couple of days ago, with all the privacy issues I was holding it back a bit. Heck, this is a mommy blog and we are here to discuss these things

Part III – Pushing and the arrival of Nikki

Read Part I and Part II here...

Gradually I started feeling pain and at 4 PM I was ready to P-U-S-H. Michelle supported one of my legs, DH the other and I started pushing : 1-2-3. After 3 or 4 pushes, Michelle told me I am not pushing with the contraction and the intensity of my push was not enough, she asked me to skip 2 of them and do the 3rd one with full force. Only when I tried doing it I realized that I was not feeling pain as a contraction like a wave (increase, reach a peak, decrease, no pain, increase,…). It was paining all the time and it hurt like hell. There was not one second when I was not feeling pain. The way I had envisioned my labor, where I would relax, talk during the pain-free 1-2 mins and push with force when the pain comes back with intensity, flew through the window. I told Michelle that and that I will push when I think the pain was unbearable, and since it felt like that all the time, I was pushing randomly.

One hour passed, still no progress, another nurse was roped in for help. The plan was that Michelle will look at my contraction monitor and tell me when I am having a big contraction and I will push accordingly. The big contractions were occurring very randomly apart, 2 or 3 will come in quick succession, I wouldn’t be able to use all of them and then after a gap of 10 minutes will come another. The new nurse who came in did not like it, she wanted to speed things up. Thus far, I was pushing by holding onto my thighs and thrusting my legs on somebody (one DH and the other with the nurse). She brought in the squat bar, tied one end of a long blanket to it, asked me to hold on to the other end of the blanket, place my soles on the bar and push against it as I curled up. It was C.R.U.E.L to say the least. When I pushed like that, the whole weight of my body will rest on one or two discs of my mid-spine, and the pressure of the baby was unbearable, it was like my pelvic area was crumbling to pieces. I couldn’t have done that kind of stuff even in my non-pregnant state. I was sweating and shouting “ennala mudiyala” (I cannot). It went on for another 1 hour and I told them I don’t have any energy left in me to push like this. I thought of giving it all up and saying yes for a c-section. I told Michelle I needed to rest for 10 minutes at least before continuing with this ordeal. She sensed that this method of pushing was not going down well with me and asked the other nurse to remove the squat bar arrangement. Thoughts of c-section were cropping up in my mind, close to 2 hours of pushing and no progress. What was this boy thinking, why is he taking so long to come out?

We resumed pushing like we were doing before. Dr. A came in for a quick check around 6 PM, she told me she came to deliver the baby and here I was still pushing. She stayed with me this time, talking to me gently and encouraging me that I can do it. She did not talk about c-section at all. In the pushing frenzy, I had even forgotten how to push efficiently and was not drawing in enough air. I pulled my act together and started pushing with renewed vigor. Every time I pushed, I shouted “I cannot take this anymore”, “ I cannot”, “ennala mudila”, “I don’t want to do this”, “ it is unbearable”. She would say “you are strong, you can do it”. Mom also joined her in encouraging me, whenever I pushed Mom was getting very excited, “innum konjam thallu, pappa thalai theriyuthu” (push some more, I can see the baby’s head) and Dr.A would be “I can see the baby’s head, he has lots of hair” (Don’t ask me what DH was saying, he said nothing). Another hour passed, I started thinking that they are lying to me in order to encourage me. It was 3 hours since I started pushing, without any progress I decided that Dr.A would go in for c-section. Surprisingly, she was not talking about it all. I told her that I was feeling the pain without any respite even for a second and that was making it extremely tough for me. She was sympathetic and told me that she is going to cut open my perineum(episiotomy) to help baby come out since his head was also big. It did not matter to her that in my birth plan, I had shown my preference to tear naturally and was not at all for a surgical cut. She did not wait for my response and cut me up. I was fearing these stitches far worse than the c-section stitches.


She asked me to continue pushing and went to attend another delivery. She came back in 15 minutes with vacuum and asked me if she could use it. I asked her to use it only 4 times and if the baby is not able to come out by then, I will agree for a c-section, did not want to put Nikki at any risk. I was completely exhausted, out of breath, sweating, requests for cooling down the room were turned down (they wanted the room to be warm since the baby was expected anytime), thighs, legs, back, arms were aching like hell. I pushed 3 or 4 times more and every time I would say “I cannot do this anymore” and Dr.A would say “shove some more, baby will come out”. Vacuum had been used a couple of times without any result. Things were getting ready around me, baby warmer was being warmed up, one more nurse was called in for helping Dr.A. I was feeling depressed and desperate. Dr.A was paged for attending some other delivery a couple rooms down the corridor. I resigned myself to c-section because it seemed I would never be able to push the baby out. There was nothing left in me. All the efforts I had taken during my pregnancy to have a vaginal delivery, walking everyday (after coming back from work, will do the cooking and other chores and would drive up to the mall however tired I am, even if it is 10 PM and had to go to work early next day), do exercises (I have never ever exercised before or after pregnancy), the antenatal classes, all the pain that I had endured during that day, close to 4 hours of pushing, everything flashed to my mind. I was not willing to give up now. I was determined to give everything (whatever was left in me) and make one last effort in pushing. Dr.A was back by then(10 minutes).

It was about 7.45 PM, I started pushing again. This time I was not pushing by anybody’s directions. I started pushing when I felt I had enough strength, sometimes in quick succession, sometimes 3-4 minutes apart, and out came Nikki at 8:05PM, when I was least expecting him to arrive, after 17 hours of labor and 4 hours of pushing. Within a couple of seconds of Nikki coming out, DH rushed out of the room aghast by the gush of blood and fluid that came following him. No, he did not cut his umbilical cord neither did he click pictures. Dr.A was worried he would faint in the corridor and sent one nurse looking for him. The other nurse was massaging my belly and within couple of minutes placenta came out. I was shouting, “it is still paining, it is not reducing”, Dr. A just smiled at me and continued sewing me up. Apparently the pain doesn’t stop immediately after the baby comes out. I wanted to see Nikki, but they had taken him to the warmer without showing him to me, they wanted to examine him immediately since his scalp had bruises from the application of vacuum. The nurse told me she would give him to me after 10 minutes, so I started picking Dr.A’s head. How many times did you apply vacuum? How many stitches am I having? Is it a 3rd degree or 4th degree tear? When will the pain stop? She told me she had applied vacuum 6 or 7 times, she had expected 4th degree tear because of the weight of the baby, the size of his head and the amount of time we pushed, but it is only 3rd degree, it was about 12 stitches, the thing that was prodding me in the rectal area is a hemorrhoid that had protruded out early that morning because of Nikki’s weight. DH came back within a few minutes, mom and DH did not come to my side at all during those 10 minutes, they were busy checking Nikki out. Nikki was 9 pounds(4.1 kgs) and 21.7 inches, he scored 7 in the 1st Apgar test and 9 in the 2nd. His weight was exactly as predicted by the ultrasound not even an ounce less or more. (7 ½ pounds at 36 weeks, at a rate of ½ pound a week, he should be 9 pounds by the end of 39th week).

He was brought to me wrapped up in warm clothes, he looked like an angel, I couldn’t believe he was mine. He was not looking like a typical newborn baby(tiny, closed eyes, wrinkly skin), he already looked like he was 3 months, skin was angelic (reminded me of roses instantly), eyes wide open and very alert, but tired from the ordeal. I felt for him, it should have been equally tough for him if not more, he had been crying inconsolably for the first 5 minutes. I still can remember his cry as soon as he came out, it was heart-wrenching. Here I am writing about what I endured and everything, he might have endured more pain than me and has no memory of it. He was a little trooper, he did not fail his amma, not once during the delivery did he give her worried moments with reducing heartbeat and the like.

I took him closer and the first thing that occurred to me was that he was DH’s clone(other than eyes) and he had my SIL’s eyes, no resemblance whatsoever to my side of the family. I was disappointed because I wanted him to have my eyes(brown). If not my eyes, at least DH’s, my sister’s, or his own unique eyes, not my SIL’s. I don’t know why I felt so then, now it sounds stupid to me. Anyways, after the customary opening of the milk shop (was not emotional about it at all, actually felt as though I was cheating him because there was nothing there), he was taken to the nursery. I was in no mood to enjoy him, neither did I bond with him instantly. Everything still felt surreal, I could not believe he was mine.

Labor is a different experience for every woman and her perceptions about it before and after it happens will also be different.

In the hindsight these are my perceptions

1. Labor pain is not so hell-like as shown in the movies, it is manageable, it was like very bad menstrual pain for me.

2. Pushing is not comparably(to labor I mean) easy, for me labor was easier and I even could have endured pushing if it was only for 2 hours, but 4 hours was H.E.L.L.

3. Epidural late during labor –helped me with pain only for 2-3 hours. I wonder if it delayed the dilation part and had I been mobile, probably my pushing time also would have reduced. Because of the epidural, catheter was used to remove urine and that gave me urinary infection.

4. If you know your baby is big, it is better to go in for an elective c-section, rather than attempting to have vaginal delivery. C-sect moms may disagree with me, I do not know the pain of c-section and the post-partum woes that come with it, but I know the pain of episiotomy stitches, urinary infection and hemorrhoids occurring together. I could not sit, pee or poop without pain & crying for 8 weeks. Had I known what post-partum had in store for me before, I probably would have opted for c-section. The weird pushing that I did for 1 hour did so much repair to my body, I could not stand straight/walk properly, sometimes I even had trouble breathing because my mid-back and spine hurt like they were going to break. Every cell in my body ached for close to 2 months, apart from having Tylenol every 4-6 hours, I took oxycontin when pain reached unbearable levels(I am a person who hates to take medicine, unless otherwise it is absolutely necessary). My legs swelled up so badly(19 hours of IV and lot of water take) and it took 2-3 weeks for my body to flush everything out. My other post-partum woes that had nothing to do with vaginal delivery: Boils in the armpits sometimes so big that I could not even move my hands(I still get them, I have to stop breastfeeding completely in order to get complete diagnosis & treatment), De Quervain’s syndrome(extreme wrist pain) got so worse that I could not even hold my plate while eating. (imagine having to hold a baby as big as Nikki for breastfeeding n times during the day, Nikki loved to cluster feed during the initial 2 months). I was so depressed(not clinical depression) during the initial 8 weeks, I would just cry, cry and cry because of the physical pain that I was enduring, I hated being sick and would be longing for the days when I can be my usual self. I did not even feel like talking to anyone, the moment the person asked me “how r u doing”, my eyes would start welling up and I will start sobbing over the phone. I was awash with self-pity. I sometimes felt I should not have had Nikki, babies are not for lesser mortals like me. DH did not know what to do, he would take care of feeding Nikki the expressed milk during nights and rock him to sleep. He sometimes would be annoyed with my constant whining and crying. My mum was my rock during those days, I don’t think we would have survived it all without her. I am ETERNALLY indebted to her for having been there by my side, in a foreign land braving the harsh north-east winter, consoling me, encouraging me, taking care of me, Nikki and the home. I really wished I had given birth to Nikki in India because I saw her undergo so many hardships, just for us. She would have had lot of help there, here she was doing everything all by herself in an unknown place with not-so-familiar American ways of bringing up the baby. Amma, I LOVE YOU, YOU ARE THE BESSSTTTTESSSSTTT.


So, that is our story. Nikki is the joy of our lives, he is worth much more than e..v.e.r.y. bit of ordeal I went through, if I had to relive everything allover again, I will try to do it in a more happy way, with less whining and crying.

PS: I have to mention this weird weird dream that I had about 10 days before delivering Nikki. I don’t know if it was intuition or premonition. I did not know what it meant then. In my dream, I opened up my tummy, took Nikki out and showed him to everyone. Everyone was going “uuuhhh”, “aaahhhh” over his looks, I was the only one who noticed that his head is weirdly oblong, it was like somebody had pulled his head from top and there was a very big bump (it was not standing out, it was more like the shape of his head itself was modified), I caressed him and put him back inside my tummy. He was almost similar to how I saw him in my dream, a bump and some bruises at the top of his head because of the vacuum usage, it was not so weirdly oblong though.

PPS: His eyes looked like SIL’s only for a couple of days. As soon as he lost the water weight couple of days after his birth, his eyes started looking bigger unlike the Chinese eyes of his aunt. He now is a complete clone of DH including eyes.

Birth story - Part II - Labor

Read Part I here...

We started from home by 3.15 AM and went to the hospital by 3:35 AM. I was feeling very uncomfortable, but no contractions yet. I don’t know if it was because of the loss of fluid, the car travel felt awful, I couldn’t sit and was feeling strong jabs even when Nikki was not moving and when he moved it was like a sharp-edged rock racing through my belly. Towards the end of the drive, pain symptoms started kicking in - menstrual pain like pain, mild enough to just make me wince every now & then.

DH took the car to the parking garage while my Mom & I walked up to the emergency admission, leaving trail of the fluid everywhere. I informed the front-desk lady and apologized to her, but she did not seem to care about it, probably they see it every other day. I was about to complete the forms, just when DH came in and took over. We finished and DH was wondering which way we should go (we had 2 tours of the hospital in our antenatal classes – the instructor had given step by step instructions for everything, elevator, floor, pre-registration, etc.), I was really angry with him that he did not remember anything from the classes. Earlier during the drive, I had to even tell him the exit he had to take for the hospital, this in spite of traveling to the hospital at least 10 –12 times before. I gave him a glare and started walking to the West elevator(5th floor). The intensity of the pain got a bit stronger(normal menstrual pain) as we waited for the antenatal evaluation. The nurse heard the heart beat, put me on NST and checked my cervix. They do this evaluation to make sure the woman is really in labor before admitting them to a labor suite. Since I was 3+ cms dilated and my water had broken already, I was given ok to proceed to the labor ward. Before that, the nurse started me on penicillin IV because I had tested +ve for Strep B in the tests taken during 36th week. I had De Quervain’s syndrome and already my wrists were paining like hell, I was asking the nurse if she can find a different place to stick the needle. She said wrist is the best place, tried my right one first and then settled for the left. I can still remember how the penicillin felt, like somebody was injecting acid through my veins. The nurse agreed to reduce the flow of penicillin telling me that she would increase it later, once my body gets used to it(?!).

Four labor suites were free at that time and I was happy there was one with Jacuzzi. After a few minutes of wait, around 4:30 AM we were ushered into the labor suite. I asked the nurse for the birthing ball and told her I will be using the tub as well. She gave me the birthing ball and proceeded to fill the tub with warm water. There was no pattern to the pain(5-1-1 was etched into my brain from my antenatal classes), it was like me having late periods – bad pain minus the bleeding. The nurse walked us through the labor suite explaining everything . I was in no mood to listen to her, when she was talking about the usage of the tub, I asked her if I can eat something, she gave me a strange look and said she will check with the doctor and let me know. I came out of the bathroom to the bed thinking I will try sleeping for some time. I just couldn’t get my eyes to close, I was all excited and extremely worried at the same time, so I just lay there thinking how things would enfold from then on. The nurse came and set up the fetal monitor and said she would monitor the baby for 10 – 15 minutes every 30 minutes, since I had lost lot of fluid. Just when Dr. A came in, did the internal exam and told me I am 4 cms dilated. She felt my belly and said that the baby was really big and we better get going with the dilation sooner than later. As though dilation was in my hands, like I could reach up to my cervix and just stretch it. She probably meant in a good way, I was getting irritated with everyone/everything. Anyways, I was happy that I moved from 3 to 4. Dr. A told she will be back in another 2 – 3 hours to check me again. She also told me I cannot eat anything other than ice chips and popsicles. By that time, I was in no mood to eat anything, I was feeling nauseous.

The pain intensity was picking up gradually, still there was no pattern. I was using the tub, birthing ball, heating pad, doing some squats, walking, everything on my own, mom started dozing off sitting in the chair, DH was munching cookies and talking to me. I brushed my teeth and that made me even more nauseous. I vomited(the first time in my entire pregnancy) the poori and potato masal dinner I had had the previous night around 8:30 PM. Close to 12 hours and it was not digested at all, I could see chunks of poori and masal?!!! My body was preparing itself for labor even before I knew it !!!! (when your body prepares for labor or when you are in labor, all the energy in the body will be channelised towards labor and other bodily functions will be ignored, that is why many people vomit or have a bout of diarrhea just before labor or during labor). Was feeling damn tired after the vomiting, so had some water and stretched myself on the bed for some rest. Badly needed some energy, so sent DH for getting popsicles from the fridge. [People who are not for unpleasant graphic details, please refrain from reading the rest of the paragraph]. I felt something prodding around my rectal area and was wondering whether I had pooped without even knowing it. Or have I dilated to 10 cms and this is an indication that I should start pushing? I did not feel the pressure yet, so what was it? Rushed to the bathroom and wiped to find nothing, but the urge to poop was there till I delivered. It was only after delivery I discovered what was causing it. I kept visiting the bathroom every now and then to make sure I don’t create a mess on the bed or elsewhere. Sheesh, that was one embarrassing thing that I never wanted to happen during labor.

When I was having the popsicles, around 8:30 AM, Dr.A made her second visit, checked me again and announced I was 7 – 8 cms dilated. The nurse spoke very highly of me to her, that I was on my own trying out different things without anybody’s help and that too without any crying/shouting/shrieking. (I actually went to the verge of crying many times, somehow did not, don’t know why, I am a person who cries very easily). Dr.A seemed happy with the progress, she patted me, told me I was a strong woman and she would come and check me again in a couple of hours. New nurse came in(shift change) and started me on a new dose of penicillin.

DH went down to the cafeteria to get breakfast for him and my mom. The pain was picking up, without any pattern still, so the nurse put me on NST again to check the contractions. The contractions were very random in the chart, I did not feel them like contractions, it was still like extremely bad menstruation pain for me. It was becoming unbearable, the pressure was building up because of the tummy weight and thighs started aching too. The fluid was leaking lightly all the while, it was colorless till then and it was slowly becoming brown.

DH came in and the smell of the breakfast made me very unbearably nauseous all over again. I asked him not to open it inside the room, but he proceeded to open it telling me he will be done in 5 minutes. I could not take it for one more second, got furious and shouted at him & mom to get out of the room and leave me alone. They went out, had the food and came back in 15 minutes. The pain was spreading to the back and was hurting the sciatic nerves. Went to the tub, some how felt very uncomfortable in it and came back to the bed, heating pads also did not work, pain sometimes made me breathless, but I was in no mood to try the breathing exercises. Dr.A came in around 10 AM, checked me again and told me I was 9 cms dilated. Boy! It was such a relief, I asked her if I can start pushing when I feel the urge, she asked me to wait until she checked me again. She encouraged me to take the epidural, but I refused. She said she will check me again in another 1 hour, if I was not completely dilated by then she would contemplate c-section because there was not much fluid left and what was leaking was brownish red. I was stressed, the pain was excruciating at times, I was not as mobile as I used to be a couple of hours earlier. I was feeling extremely tired, popsicles were not helping me and I was drinking so much of water. I was mumbling “I am not able to bear the pain” every now and then, the nurse was advising me to take the epidural, she said it will relax me and make things easier. I told her I haven’t reached my pain threshold yet, I would like to go natural as much as it is possible for me. The main reason why I wanted to avoid epidural was I wanted to be mobile till the end, “walking-epidural” was not available and I would hate it if I ended up with a c-section because of the epidural.

Dr.A came in again around 11 AM, I was hoping I can push, but she told me I am 9+ cms and we have to wait until it becomes 10 cms. (I wonder how people give birth without the help of doctors, nobody checks the dilation, they push when they feel the urge and out comes the baby). She also told me that she can feel the head of the baby and it is big. By that time, I was tired of hearing the word “BIG”. She once again asked me to go in for epidural because I looked so stressed out and without any diet I wouldn’t have any energy to push. “Epidural will help your pelvic muscles relax and help your baby’s descent, you are stressed and that is what is holding up the full dilation. Take epidural, have some rest and then you can push” – it sounded so tempting. I told her I would wait for another 30 mins to see if I dilate fully and then think about epidural. I was praying frantically and was trying to do some squats during the pain-free intervals. Was checked again at 11.45 AM, no progress. I was reaching my pain threshold and just couldn’t take it anymore. It would have been better if I was allowed to eat, food is a stress-reliever for me. I was bone tired and badly in want of rest, but I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to go for epidural. I asked DH and he was like if you want to, go ahead (I need not have asked him this question, I knew what the answer will be). Going for epidural when I was 9+ cms seemed ridiculous, it was completely against all the instructions given to us in the antenatal classes. But here is my doctor who is encouraging me to go for it and she knows my birth plan very well. Moving (squatting particularly) will help the baby maneuver the birth canal easily than me just lying down. With the epidural the only type of movement that I was allowed was turning sides. There came another contraction that made me absolutely breathless, which made me think about the 2-3 hours of pushing that lay ahead of me, I decided no way I can endure this pain for another 3 hours. Reluctantly I said yes for the epidural. Even now, I do not know if it was the right decision to make, at that time since I was not dilating further, I had to go with the doctor’s advice. The pain I think I could have taken for some more time.

Around 12 PM the anesthesiologist gave me the epidural and instructed me on how to adjust the flow in case the pain increased/decreased. Along with the epidural, they gave me some pitocin to help contractions come faster, so that I will dilate sooner. I was relieved of the pain in 20 minutes, but in half-an-hour, the joys of epidural started kicking in one by one. It started itching like crazy all over my body (side effect of epidural), my legs became numb and I had to get help from DH and nurse to even turn sides, they had the monitor tied to my belly all the time, the nurse was using the catheter to take the urine out of my bladder (all those popsicles, ice chips, water and saline from the IV). I HATED it. I was also started on the 3rd dose of penicillin. There was nothing that I learnt from the antenatal classes that I could try. All that I was doing was turning sides now and then and looking at my pattern of contractions and Nikki’s heartbeat. I started feeling cold, asked the nurse for couple of warm blankets and went to sleep for close to 45 mins.

Dr. A came in again at 2 PM, checked me, no progress. She was worried about the baby, she told me categorically that if I am not going to dilate within the next 1 hour, I will be in for c-section. I was devastated. It was taking me too long to dilate the last .5 cms. There was a nurse change at 2 PM (Ginni went and Michelle came in). I liked Michelle instantly. (Ginni also was good, she was a bit old and matter-of-the-fact-like). I told her I badly wanted to have a vaginal delivery, c-section was something that I was not prepared at all. She nodded to me pleasantly and told me she will do what she can. She looked at my contraction charts, they sometimes were 10 – 15 mins apart, sometimes only 1 min apart, completely random. She told me she is going to reduce and switch off the pitocin and let my body take care of the contractions. Increasing the pitocin dosage earlier had not helped with dilation. She asked me to relax increasing the epidural dosage a little bit. Till that time, I was not completely pain-free, I was adjusting my epidural so that pain was within my endurance limits.

It was 3 PM, Dr.A came in, checked me and “I WAS FULLY DILATED”. Switching off pitocin did the trick (I don’t know if increasing epidural dosage had anything to do with this). I would have kissed Michelle if I could have. At that point, I was completely pain-free, so they wanted me to come off the epidural so I can feel the pressure/pain to push.

Quote that I loved...

Read it somewhere today.

"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings"

How true.

Thanksgiving weekend

We had a very nice Thanksgiving weekend with one of our close friends(S & S) coming in from New Jersey for the weekend. Their son V is 3 months elder than Nikki and this is the first time Nikki had an opportunity to spend time with somebody around his age for longer than 2-3 hours. All of us had a very good time, eating, talking and having fun with the kids. The first day, he did not seem to notice V at all and was interacting only with the elders. From the second day, he was going wherever V was going, wanting to play with the same toys that V was playing with, trying to pull his hair, poke his eyes, put fingers into his mouth, both of them talking to each other in their own language, it was real fun watching them interact.

Coming to what the elders did: eat good food, chat, shop and watch movies
Here is the menu on Thanksgiving:

Breakfast:
Idli, Onion Uthappam, coconut chutney, kaara chutney

Lunch:
Veg noodles (Chinese), Gobi-manchurian, Rice, Murungakka sambar, Avarakaai poriyal, Thakkali rasam, Curd rice, Potato fry and Mango milkshake.
(everything cooked from scratch other than the milkshake. I used store bought mango pulp to make it)

We watched Devar Magan(one of my all time favs) in the evening munching the murukkus made by my mom earlier that week.

Dinner:
Paav Bhaji and Idli uppuma (made from the leftover ones from the breakfast)

Other than that, the day was spent chatting, browsing online and checking the flyers for deals. I had zeroed in on a Corningware Bakeware set on sale at Macys for 19.99, some toys and some more kitchen stuff(chopper, handmixer etc.) and DH had lot of electronic items on his list.

Black Friday

The plan was that DH and Mr.S will head out early in the morning for LCD TVs and the like and I, Mrs.S and V will start around 7.30 AM after feeding our kids. I had informed DH to take the old car(his and not used frequently these days because he is taking public transport for work) and leave mine to me. He promptly forgot(I have a strong suspicion that he did it intentionally to stop me from shopping) and took the new one. The old car does not have the car seat base, so I was stranded home. From 8 AM, I called him up every 30 mins asking him to rush home, but he came home only around 12 PM. By the time we reached Macys it was 12.30 and since Corningware was a doorbuster, I did not get it. Bought a stainless steel set instead. Took a portrait with the 2 kids at the Picture People at the Mall. Shopped for winter clothes for Nikki at the Children’s place and picked some clothes for the adults at Eddie Bauer. Had lunch at the food court in the mall and headed to Kohls. Just when another friend P called us and said she would like to drop in to see us that evening because it had been long time since we met, I asked her to stay around for dinner. We were tired by the shopping anyway, so hurriedly bought some toys, some more dresses and reached home by 7 PM. Saturday was Mr.S’s birthday, we had planned to throw him a surprise Bday party, I & DH headed out for shopping again under the pretext of grocery shopping. Went to BJ’s, bought a cake, dresses for the S family, milk and fruits(we had to buy grocery). Came home by 8 PM, mom and Mrs.S had made Arisi-paruppu sadham(rice cooked with dhal and spices), I made some uthappams with coconut chutney. P left around 9.30 PM and then we all sat down on the floor in the living room chatting and opening up the purchases we made that day (I love this part more than the shopping experience itself). Every cell in my body was aching, but we were determined to stay up unitl 12 AM to celebrate S’s bday. We sent S to bed around 11 PM, got the cake from the car and took it to the attic, found the candles and had everything ready to go by 12 PM. S was really surprised and happy, he told us this is the first time ever he is blowing candles and cutting cake for his birthday. Wow! and it was us who made him do it! After having cakes and another little chat, all of us went to bed by 12.45 AM.

Woke up late on Saturday morning. Mom prepared semiya payasam and medhu vadai and I made rava kichadi(Uppuma made in biriyani style) for breakfast. That afternoon S threw his birthday party at a wonderful Punjabi restaurant at Cambridge, all of us had a sumptuous meal. Bhel puri, Bhindi masala and Tandoori roti were ultimate. Saturday evening was spent chatting. S family left for NJ early on Sunday morning. I & DH had our breakfasts earlier than usual on Sunday morning and joined Nikki for his early afternoon nap. Woke up refreshed after 2 hours, did some cleaning around the house and by evening Monday blues started kicking in. Do I really hate work that much?

This and That...

Not in the best of my moods now. USCIS is playing football with my vacation plans, I am FED UP of following up and trying to expedite my Advance parole. Am completely pissed off (I do not write these kind of words unless my spirits are at their nadir). I do not want to get started on this. Just poured my heart out in the immigration forums.


Was watching a talk show on Vijay TV (Neeya? Naana?) where the host picks a debatable topic and moderates the arguments between the 2 sides. Yesterday, the topic was marriage and the relevance of the customs(thaali, kanchivaram pattu, caste etc.) to the younger and elder generations. I do not want to go into details.

Good:
When the host posed a question to the elder generation about the relevance of caste in marriages, most of them said they would accept if their son/daughter chose someone from a different caste if they think the choice is good.


Bad:
There was a young woman who said she does not believe in Thaali(mangal sutra), she sees it as a metal, but she would wear it if her in-laws insisted on she wearing it. When the host asked the elders on the show if any of them would consider this girl as their daughter-in-law, NO ONE, not even one RAISED THEIR HANDS. I was flabbergasted. I thought the staunch belief in Thaali was gone with my generation. I wear it only when I feel like it, no strict rules. I see many of my friends who wear it only during festivals or when their in-laws visit them. The girl who spoke out against it is still in college.

WORRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTT:
When the relevance of caste in marriage was posed to the younger generation, all but 2 said they will not choose a partner from different caste. The reason one girl told was "she wants to be accepted by her parents and all her relatives and do not want to hurt them" - fair enough. The reason the 2nd girl told was unbelieavable. I mean outright disgusting. Here is what she said : " I feel proud and superior of the caste that I am born into. I am a brahmin and an Iyengar at that. I feel I have done lot of punniyam(good deeds & hence good karma) in my past life, that is why I am blessed to be born as an Iyengar in this life. I will choose only an Iyengar groom." I cannot believe this.

What is culture

I first wrote this as a comment in Ammani's post, but liked it so much after reading that I am posting it here also:

Culture is what is injected inside you from birth, practised for years by the community you were born into (and/or the community you grow up in, if both are different), more or less shapes your approach to everything you do(what & how) in life, without you consciously realizing it.

What you eat, how you dress, how you react to death(oppari,just crying, silence), how you greet people(folded hands, shake hands, rub noses), how you treat children/elders, how much importance you give to time, what you gift on specific occasions & how u gift it(writing in a specific color of pen is bad omen to Chinese - don't remember what), your attitude towards work, how you marry, expectations in married life, what you celebrate or don't, how you bury the dead, how you remember them... I can go on and on and on. In general, what a community considers good/bad ...

I attended a workshop on cross-cultural awareness sponsored by my company when I first traveled to US(about 4 years back). I wish I had kept the material that they distributed then. It was very interesting. The guy (actually old uncle - see I am calling him uncle it is my culture :) ) was well traveled and had lived abroad for more than 25 years. He classified world culture into 3 types: Active (american, most of european), Reactive(south east, India, few european - italy, spain) and I forgot the name of the 3rd one, that is practised in Japan and some of mid-east, it was the best. I was amazed about a lot of things he said. That Indians, Italians and Spaniards have lot in common(punctuality rather lack of it, siesta,work ethics, etc.). The importance Japanese give to elders, family, work(working 16 hrs a day is not really hardwork), country(patriotism is part of their culture), how they react to shame(suicide for this is common), meeting room etiquettes(hardly anybody speaks much in the open) etc... I forgot lot of stuff. The impression it left in my mind is :there is good and bad in every culture, Japanese(hope I remember the term, i am breaking my head) is best, no matter the culture you were born into or brought up in, it is important to know the culture of the place you are living in or traveling to, so you don't feel out of place/awkward in public situations and most importantly, DON'T INADVERTENTLY CAUSE HURT TO THEIR VALUES/SENTIMENTS.

A lot of us have adopted some good values from the active(American) culture, we are already a cross-culture breed, our children will be more, it is actually good because they are going to travel more than us.

Migration and Cultural assimilation – my thoughts

This is in response to DotMom’s post that triggered these posts from Poppin’s mom and Tharini.
(DotMom traces it back to Sujatha’s post that discussed Shobha Narayan’s journey back to the motherland).

Cultural assimilation is a very complex multi-layered thing. I don’t think there is a definite black and white picture, not even grey, it is a canvas with lots of hues, sunset is what comes to my mind when I think of this potpourri of cultures.

I for one is a Telegu-tamilian but never felt that hyphen troubling because I never had any questions about my identity. I see myself as a Tamil who knows to speak the fractured telegu spoken in our family/community. As far as traditions, festivals, rituals go, we follow what is followed in our community, it is not radically different from what others follow. We have some extra / different rituals and festivals, the difference is something that you can find between 2 different castes( or sub-sects within the same caste) of tamil origin, I don’t think the difference is solely because of our telegu origin. I have visited Andhra only twice in my life time and that was for our 2 Tirupathi visits. Our ancestors migrated from Andhra to Coimbatore at least 400 years ago, when Mughals came conquering the South and were plundering wealth and abducting women all their way. There is a wonderful wonderful book written by Ki.Rajanarayanan - Gopalla gramam (Village of Gopalla) that tells our story. I think it won Sahithya Academy award. It is one of my all time favorites, not only because it is our story, but also because it so vividly captures the story of a migrated generation from the eyes of a Octogenarian grandmother who saw it all.

I was a Tamil fanatic during my school and college days (the zeal is less now) to an extent that I used to idolize Prabhakaran and had a soft corner for the Tamil eelam cause. None of my family(to at least great-grandfather level if not much more) can identify Telegu from Urdu. I can identify Telegu alphabets (not to say this is “ka” that is “cha”, only to say this looks like telegu), thanks for the 2 years that I lived and worked in Bangalore. I used to lived in a Paying Guest accommodation and there were some native Kannadigas & Andhrites who l became friends with. I learnt to speak some Kannada, even attempted to learn alphabets, became familiar with names of Kannada heroes, which lot of Kannadigas found surprisingly different. Though I hated the sweet sambars, ubiquitous peanuts and kind of sweet heavy cuisine, I loved and learnt recipes for Bisibelabhath, vangibhath, peanut chutney and akki roti. (Ragi mudhdhe & obbattu are not alien to me, my grandmother makes them so well).

I don’t identify myself with telegu speaking people from Andhra, but we celebrate “Ugadi” (as well as “Chithirai kani”). When I was younger when somebody asked what my mother tongue was, I would say “Telegu”, because that is what I was taught at home. I grew up watching Tamil movies, reading Tamil books, having Tamil friends (there were few friends from different backgrounds, but Tamil was the common thread between all of us), tamil surroundings, tamil everything that, when I was 14 or 15 I started thinking tamil as my mother tongue. Even though I identify myself as Tamil, I have no qualms associating myself with my community and have a very good sense of belonging. I feel proud about my roots without feeling superior or inferior about others. That I think is what I want to inculcate in Nikki too.

When I tell my mother, I am tamil, she will give me a questioning look, but she has learnt to accept it. We don’t even speak in telegu in our family, Telegu now is reserved to elders and to other relatives who prefer to talk to us in Telegu. I and DH have never spoken a word in Telegu between us. I am a little sad that Nikki will not learn Telegu from us, but he will know a few words here and there because the grandparents, aunts & uncles converse with him in Telegu. I am sure he will talk Tamil, planning to teach him to read & write it as well. I want him to be able to read tamil books and appreciate them. Especially the ones that I love.

Have our parents failed in preserving our roots? Does it mean our grandparents, great grandparents, their ancestors failed to inculcate the telegu culture in us? I don’t think so. We are nth generation, the dilution (of the local with the ancestral) process happened very gradually with every passing generation, there was a little some thing that was lost, without anyone consciously realizing it. Even if someone realized it, it did not matter to them then because it would have been something negligible and they would have probably blamed “generation gap” for it. As long as the changes are subtle and are at a acceptable level to parents, there is no need to fret about anything.

Now I know I cannot extend this to a cultural disparity that is as wide as is between India and the US. I have been here only 3+ years but I think I have assimilated more than those who have lived here for 10 years. We celebrate Halloween & Thanksgiving understanding it's spirit fully. Thanksgiving is exactly similar to Pongal that we celebrate back in India, thanking Gods for the bountiful harvest. Our Thanksgiving feast did not have a Turkey though, we had a store bought chicken on our table. I am planning to throw a vegetarian Thanks giving feast this year, adapting it to my style of living (I am a vegetarian, but cook non-veg for DH's sake, this year I don't feel like making non-veg). I have not chosen to celebrate July 4th and Christmas as they don't mean anything to me yet(other than vacation time & shopping deals). As Nikki grows and has American friends, I will start celebrating them too, because it is his country and I do not want him to feel alienated here. He is an American by birth and if he grows up here I will let him be an American, but one with Indian roots. American to the extent that it does not conflict with the ethics and values of our family. I don’t subscribe to the general desi view point that Indian culture is better than US. And I don’t see anything that is so wrong with the American culture. What am I worried about? Drinking, dating? Do you think it is not happening in India now? I wouldn’t mind having non-indian grandchildren (I cannot escape this possibility even if he is brought up in India, I am sure he will go abroad for studies or to work, or people might migrate to India for better prospects).

There are so many Indians here that I see who do not even know the Governor of the state (Thank God they know Bush is their President), name of their City Mayor, know nothing about their local baseball teams, take no interest at all in watching the local news, but religiously watch Sun TV news everyday, read Indian news portals and keep themselves abreast about the gossip columns better than Indians living in India. I don’t see anything wrong in the latter part, but being completely oblivious to the society that you are living in gets me. Recently Red Sox (our baseball team) won the World series for the 2nd time in 5 years and celebration was in the air wherever you went, I could not but help feel happy & proud. I bought a Red Sox tee for Nikki, when most desi moms around me think Red Sox as red coloured socks. Actually it is not just the moms, even the guys are like that, people will be surprised when something like this comes up in a conversation : listening to NPR, pumpkin painting for Halloween, contribution to local charities(St.Jude’s hospital), blah blah blah. And these are guys who have been here for the past 7 – 8 years and well on their way to become citizens.

As things stand now, US is a better country in terms of education, opportunities and I think the American dream is still very much possible. I.e. With sheer hard work you can go from rags to riches. I know it is not so easy in India. I did not want to deny it to Nikki when I had a chance to offer that to him on a platter. All of us strive to give what we think is the best to our children.

Now, I want to view US-India cultural assimilation from two perspectives:

1. From Anitha's view point - who was 25 years, educated, employed, married, had a fully developed personality with her own thoughts, opinions, dreams, likes and dislikes when she landed in the US of A.

2. From Nikki’s view point – who was born here, will be brought up here for quite some time and probably may end up living here as well.

(DH is exactly similar to Shobha's husband, given a chance he would like to live here, at least Shobha's husband was close to his parents and that was one reason that tilted him towards to India, DH is not close to his family, so that is ruled out. The only thing that MIGHT make him come to India is me leaving him and going back to India :-))

Scenario 1 – We going back to India when Nikki is 6 or 7:

I am thinking 6-7 years is when children start developing strong personalities, uprooting him after that will make the transition tough for him is what I feel.

Anitha’s view: I will be HOME and can see my family when I want to. Do whatever I am dreaming of : organic farming, open a restaurant that serves Coimbatore cuisine, pursue my masters in literature, do some NGO work, open a Montessori school, archeology, the list is endless. I have always dreamt of my life in India and no where else. I am too old to change my dreams. There are lot of other things too, living close to my sis & hence my niece V( I luvvvvv her like my own daughter), Nikki developing strong ties with his extended family, etc.

Nikki’s view: Nikki will have some tough time initially during transitioning, but I guess he will quickly grow over it. When he becomes 18, he will have the option to choose the country he wants to be a citizen of. If he chooses US because he thinks he has a better future there, he is absolutely free of all the immigration hassles (hassle is not the word) that we are going through now. If he chooses India, let it be. It is his life and I will be happy for him.

Scenario 2 – Nikki growing up here and I going back to India when he starts college:

Anitha’s view: There are so many things that I like in the US.(read Shobha’s pros), there are some things that I don’t like, but there are so many things that I like and don’t like in India as well. But I think what is more important is the feeling of being at home. I don’t feel I belong here YET. I don’t understand lot of their jokes, don’t feel comfortable in a mostly American gathering, don’t understand lot of anecdotes that they quote from their past, but I find them incredibly friendly and polite and when I ask questions they enjoy explaining the context of the joke. It is still an on-going journey for me, I learn something new everyday. I would enjoy living here for some more time, but no doubt in the long term, it is going to be tough on me. Not a single day passes without me feeling home sick / nostalgic, but I think it is mainly because it is 3+ years since I went to India.

Nikki’s view:
I would like Nikki to get best of the both. I don’t think he will have a problem assimilating himself here. Getting Indian-ness into him will also not be a big deal because that is how we are at home. I cook Indian meals, wear Indian dresses, celebrate Indian festivals, talk Indian language, and socialize with lot of Indians. He will grow up understanding that he is an American but his roots are in India, he has some things in common with his American friends, he has also a few things that are unique to his culture. It is not a tough thing to do. I am sure a lot of his American friends will also be sailing the same boat. There are very few American-Americans, almost every other person is a Some-American, an Indian-American, Chinese-American, African-American, Hispanic-American, Irish-American, I can go on and on and on. It is the land of immigrants, almost every other kid will have something that is unique to their culture, that they practise at their home.

I am an Indian, DH calls himself a global citizen (he would live in any country where he thinks life is better), Nikki should grow up and decide what he wants to be. It need not always be one or the other it can be a mixture of many cultures as long as it does not cause pain to himself or others around him. I am sure I can bring him up as a sensible man who knows to respect basic human ethics.

I don’t know if I would start thinking about myself as a global citizen 10 – 15 years from now. I have surprised myself many a times in my life. A rebellious teenager who thought love is just hormonal gush and marriage as a license to sex to a twenty-something who fell in love and got married, change is the only constant thing that is happening with me, I keep evolving. As of now, I can plan for only next 4-5 years of my life and that will be here in the US.

World is becoming smaller and smaller and smaller that, I think in a century or less, books and movies will be the only place that will be the culture keepers, while the whole world would have adopted kind of a universal culture with subtle differences to suit their countries. Do you know the feeling you get when you read historic novels (Ponniyin Selvan & the like) or black & white movies?

Till then, "Thirisangu lokam" will be the one word that will describe our lives. Neither here, nor there, somewhere in between as long as you can make peace with yourself (not our children’s, they will be clear, it is we who uprooted ourselves from our homes after we became adults). Whether it is a decision to go back to your homeland or to live in the migrated land, as long as you are comfortable with your decision and not confused, you should be good. How this decision plays into one’s life in another 25 years, only time will tell. Till then, I hope we keep this our little community going, so we can come back and start another thread on this topic.

Birth story – Part I – Build up of events leading to labor

Nikki (then Nandhan) was due on January 10 2007 (by 6th week ultrasound), actually it should have been January 7 according to my BBT chart. He was expected to arrive a little bit early because I had extremely bad PUPPS during the last 2 months of my pregnancy and his head had engaged 7 weeks before his due date. My bump was very heavy by 8 months itself.

We had an ultrasound at 36 weeks because I had gained only about 1.5 pounds between months 6 to 8 and the doctor was worried about the baby (I gained about 22 pounds in my whole pregnancy). It was found that the baby was indeed BIG, he was already 7 ½ pounds at 36 weeks. I had a suspicion that the baby would be big because my 1 hour glucose levels were high during the 1 hour GT, I had to go in for the 3 hour test which turned out to be normal. (Out of the 4 readings 3 were normal, again the 1 hour level was high). After doing the internal exam, doctor announced that my cervix feels soft and it has started ripening, which means my body is getting ready for labor.

I was happy thinking of the prospects of going into labor soon, at the same time worrying it should go well. It felt like somebody had tied a big rock to my tummy, almost everybody looking at me were asking me if I was already due. If I sat, it will land itself between my legs, turning sides during sleep was a pain, I had to hold my belly with hands, lift it along with my body in order to turn sides or to get up from sleep. 4 trips to the toilet every night, un-controllable itching/scratching, wrist pain so bad that I could not even hold the plate while eating, as much as I loved the baby, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to wait until 37 weeks and no more.

Well, the 37th week checkup gave some good news. I was 3 cms dilated!!! I came home elated, finished packing my half-packed hospital bag thinking I would be going into labor that night. We left for Kohls to do some last minute shopping for winter clothes for my mom. During the visit to the restroom there I lost my mucus plug, a very big thick brownish red mass of mucus. Rushed home immediately and called my OB/GYN to ask her if I have to come in. She asked me to come in only if I start having regular pains. I was walking, walking and walking and even thought of trying romantic ways of kick-starting labor but nothing seemed to work. Not even a slightest hint of any kind of pain. Other than the itching/scratching(which was well controlled by 37 weeks), extremely bad sciatica, carpal tunnel syndrome and feeling heavy, I was physically very much active. I was spotting little bit every now and then, raising my hopes whenever it happened. Everyday I would be dreaming of labor, how would it start for me? Will my water break first? Will I have slowly progressing pains for couple of days? Will I end-up having c-section because the baby is big? Will I have to go through induction? All kinds of possibilities that were discussed in the antenatal classes would run through my mind.

Came the 38th week checkup. I was probably 3.5 cms dilated (I don’t know how they come up with that .5 cm accuracy) was the finding. And I had gained 2 pounds in 1 week! Mom was stuffing me with all the goodies ever since she came from India (she came by the end of 36th week). I expressed my concern of the baby getting bigger(macrosomia) and the doctor was worried too. She sensed my impatience and told me she cannot and will not induce me before at least 39 weeks. She gave me the option of waiting until 40 weeks or starting me on pitocin at 39 weeks. I was so confused. I baddddddly wanted to go the natural way, without any interference other than epidural and that too only if I absolutely cannot bear the pain anymore. I scheduled the induction for January 2nd (39th week completes and 40th week starts) and came back from the doctor’s office in such a confused state of mind. I actually was not comfortable going for induction, I scheduled the appointment thinking I would cancel it after thinking about it for a few days. That was not a decision that can be made within those few minutes that we were at the doctor’s office.

The ensuing week was the most arduous time in the whole of my pregnancy. I was NOT AT ALL comfortable going in for induction, my ideal birth plan was to go the natural way, resorting to epidural itself was reserved to extremely excruciating pain. But the thoughts of a BIG baby maneuvering his way through the birth canal running the risk of shoulder dystocia, birth trauma causing head injuries, me running the risk of c-section, 4th degree tears, hemorrhage and all the other risks that come along with a big baby were weighing very heavily on my mind. DH and mom and left it to me to decide, “whatever you think you will be comfortable with”.

Every waking second, I was completely obsessed and possessed by thoughts of labor. What if I decide to go in for induction and the baby actually turns out to be smaller than predicted? I would regret pushing things on my own, when the baby could have easily gained weight inside his safe haven. Worst, I may end up going in for c-section for a small baby. Ultrasounds are only plus or minus 1 pound accurate. I had even heard about cases where the baby was measured at 9 pounds and the mommy decided to go in for c-section and finally the baby turning out to be 6 pounds. I would freak out thinking of both plus and minus cases. Going exactly by the ultrasound, the baby will be close to 10 pounds at 40 weeks (gaining 1/2 pound a week). Plus case would be a abnormally BIG baby, minus case would be a slightly bigger baby (around 8 pounds) and extremely minus case will be a small baby. Hmm. I was going mad. Something was telling me that the baby would be BIG. I don’t know if it was my eternally worrying mind which always worries about the worst case scenarios or if it was my high 1 hour glucose levels or just simply intuition. What difference will 1 week make to baby’s weight? Why don’t I wait until 40 weeks? The baby might gain probably ½ pound to 3/4th of a pound extra. I did not know then how much difference it will make during the pushing stage. Will induction help kick start labor naturally because I was already 3.5 cms dilated (which means my body is almost ready for labor)? I am thinking all this only because I have options, so why I don’t I wait until nature take it’s own course? But not when I can exercise my choice for the well being of my baby and me. I am such a P.O.O.R. decision maker, I cannot even decide on a restaurant for dinner. I being entrusted with such a significant decision involving 2 lives, how can I? I really felt so inadequate and pathetic.

Since everyone knew that Nikki might come a little early, I would get at least 3-4 calls everyday asking why we are still not at the hospital, not to mention the inquisitive aunties and complete strangers ranging from mail man to passers-by making their “know-it-all” comments. “Looks like the baby will pop out anytime”, “Your tummy is so low, you will deliver anytime”, “It is soooo BIGGG, are you having twins?”, “are you sure you are not having labor pains yet? Drink that kashaayam, false pains will fade off”, “You / your belly looks abc, so xyz will happen”. I hated going out and when I did go out for a walk, I avoided seeing faces. Going for shopping everyday was the only relief, it was therapeutic. Even there I would encounter people who enjoyed passing comments about me (my belly).

It was the New Year’s day in 2007, I and DH went for a walk to Burlington Mall (our walking trail during winter months). I was so disappointed that the baby did not come during December (my birth month, I share the month with both my siblings and a couple of friends). I was at least hoping he would come on January 1st by popular demand. Uhumm. This guy had his own plans we thought. Somehow 1 week passed and I had almost(80%, I doubt if I ever made any decision with 100% commitment) made up my mind to call off the appointment the next day morning, and wait for nature to take it’s own course. I was actually afraid to make such a momentous decision. After walking for about an hour, we decided to go home. We came home by 10 pm, exhausted I did not even feel like having my bedtime snack and went to sleep.

It was 3 AM, felt some pulling sensation, I was confused if it was the urge to pee or poop, whatever I thought and got down from bed. Just when my second leg landed on the floor and I stood straight, I felt something snap around my perineal area and a gush of water came down like somebody broke a pot full of water. I was so relieved, in fact elated, at last my water broke and I shouted at DH “get up get up let us rush to the hospital”. Amniotic fluid was pouring all the way (just 10 steps) from the bed until I reached the bathroom. It kept pouring and pouring while I changed and spoke to the doctor. It was such a huge relief when the doctor asked me get to the hospital. At last, FINALLY, after losing the mucus plug and walking around with 3 cm dilation for 2 weeks, just 6 hours before my scheduled induction, GODS opened their eyes and nature took charge.

Nikki at 10 months

Nikki has grown leaps and bounds in the past 2 months. Not in terms of height/weight, but in terms of his development. The only physical growth happening with Nikki is his hair growth, he has lots of bouncy, silky, soft hair. Paati and Amma are more than happy to dress up his hair in pig tails everyday. I tried my hand at plaiting once too. [Itching to post pictures, DH not relenting yet.]

He was manageably mobile until about last month, he used to roll around and swim to reach for things. He has learnt to crawl on all fours, something I thought he would never do, because he was such a lazy ass. He can very easily pull himself up to a stand, and walk by himself holding onto the sectional in the living room. Sometimes he would just cruise with one hand on the sofa. He would never sit on his bottoms, will be mostly on his knees(vajrasana). He can climb up the stairs on his own, it happened about 10 days back. I was sitting on the stairs leading upto attic from the living room and he was trying to come to me, I thought he would just pull himself up to a stand holding onto the steps. He started climbing as though he has been doing it for years. He took 3 steps and started looking back for security, just when Paati came behind him. He climbed all the 15 steps on his own with Paati just escorting him from the behind.

He continues to babble, babble and babble non-stop. He used to call me “andha”, the past couple of weeks he calls me “annththa”, that is very close to Anitha, almost there. My heart just swells with pride whenever he calls me like this, the first couple of times I had tears. Paati is called “ambaa” or “imbaa”. Dad is called out for in loud shrieks of “yayy…”. Sometimes “dei” too. Oft repeated words: “amma”, “drriinttrraaa”, “dhinthaa”, “boommbbaa”, “thathaatha”, “tirrra”. As usual, when he is frustrated, he will go “yayyaayayaaaaa” and “ammammamamama”.

He will start saying and waving “tata” on his own without any initiation when he thinks that we are going out/ he is being taken out. This does not happen always though. And you cannot make him say/wave “tata” by force. For that matter, you cannot force him to do anything, cannot shove down an extra spoon of cereal, not an extra sip of formula, wont wave bye on demand, wont say antha on demand. The way he babbles will be almost like talking, replete with animated expressions, raising/lowering of voice and arm movements. Half the time, he does not talk/babble softly, he will be yelling at the top of his voice, you can see veins on his temples protruding out. None of us shout or scream like the way he does, don’t know where he learnt it, probably gets it from his gene pool (you know where). If you have seen the movie Baasha, imagine Rajini saying “oru thadavai sonna 100 thadavai sonna mathiri” spinning index fingers of both hands. He would keep doing that raising his voice with every “aaiii”,” yeeyyy”, any attempt to make a conversation with him during those times will be met with more yelling. He will be standing his legs well parted like a warrior ready for a sword fight, wagging his fingers and hands up & down, frowning his eyebrows, yelling at the top of his voice while tightening his face muscles and stiffening his whole body, as though he wants to scare the hell out of us. It is so much fun to watch. If we try to raise our voice more than his, he would stamp down his feet with a big thud and will raise his voice more. I will stop, fearing he will hurt his throat. Going by all this, I am not sure what future holds out for him: 1) “Nattamai” (the village chief seen in Tamil movies, pronouncing final verdicts on unsuspecting citizens), 2) speaker in one of the tamil talk shows (mainly pattimandrams), 3) if he gets to learn some civility probably he can become a lawyer.

He drools, drools and drools non-stop. I don’t know where he manufactures all that drool, his liquid intake is nowhere near his drool output. The white beds for the teeth can be seen clearly and the gums feel hard, guess he will sprout teeth in couple of weeks. You know what, the BESTest thing that happened in the past 2 months, he kissing sometimes on demand, but mostly I will be caught unawares. Amma was the only soul for whom this BESTest treat was reserved, recently paati was added to the list. Daddy has not been blessed yet, he should spend more time with him. It is not just a wet sloppy kiss, he will say “uvvvvaa” while planting his kiss and then look at you and smile while pulling your hair in all directions. If your day was blessed, when you ask him “umma kudu”, His Highness will readily oblige, melting and taking you to heaven instantly.

These days it is such a pain dressing him up after a bath. The moment you seal his diapers and reach for his shirt, he will promptly pull his diaper open and will give you a broad smile, so instead of feeling like shouting at him, you will start cuddling him. And you will spend 20 minutes dressing him up.

And he can clap, started about a week back, not on demand again. Been teaching him body parts, no luck yet I think. He sometimes pokes my eyes sometime after I say “kannu”, so not sure if he knows them. There is so much going on, I don’t think any amount of words can do justice to what is happening in our lives. He can stand on his own for about 30 seconds, the scared look on his face when he does it is absolutely priceless. I want to write more, but this has been in my drafts for nearly 10 days now, the longer it sits there, the lengthier it is going to become. So I am stopping here, anything interesting will be published as a new post.

I love you da my chella kutti, more than anything in this world. As I write this, you are sleeping with your Daddy. You are being virtually hugged, kissed and bitten by me. Sometimes I feel like running you through the blender, gulp down every drop of your juice and have you recreated in my womb, just for myself. I don’t want to share you with anyone. UMMMA.

News...

Really bad news: Looks like our India trip might get postponed anywhere between couple of weeks to couple of months due to many unforeseen reasons. ** sob ** ** sob**.

Bad news: We are down to the 3rd from the 5th percentile for his weight.

Good news: Ped says "she is not unhappy with his growth". Despite the drop in the percentile, he has gained weight(few ounces). His height is still hovering around 50-60 th percentile. Stool test results so far are good, there is one more blood work she wants to have done to rule out malabsorption. Slow weight gain is attributed to his activeness (the rolling paper on the exam table was completely crumpled up by the time we left), genes and allergy.

First Halloween...

Pumpkin costume was bought 2 weeks back, cute portraits were taken at Picture People, chocolates were stocked 1 week before, on the D-day Amma finished work early, Daddy came home early, but there was NO trick/treat. It turned out to be a big bummer. I was cursing our condo community so much yesterday and blaming ourselves on the choice for our new home.

This is our first home, we bought it only 3 months back and are pretty new to the community. We know only 2 couples (thanks to my mother who is willing to even talk to the dogs, cats, birds, trees when both of us leave for work). I thought it was because of the as-usual-us who never in our 5 years of living together have ever been neighborhood friendly. Previously we used to live in apartments, so we would definitely bump into people when walking down the corridor, at the laundry, in the elevator, in the parking lot and in the other common areas. In spite of all this, I used to know about 3 families in that apartment, and only after my mother came down to our home for the 1st time(we were in apartment then) did we start making more friends(?!). We did not even know there was an Indian family living right across from ours. So much for our neighborhood networking skills.

Now here at the new place, there is no such thing as a common area. You have to either knock somebody’s door to strike a conversation or should wait on the porch for someone to walk by with their dogs/cats in tow. Not my type at all. I was looking forward to Halloween, partly due to the networking opportunities it presents, strangers can knock your door and you can go knocking stranger’s doors. (Now this is the NEW me post-Nikki, looking forward to networking, rather schmoozing I should say. It is not that we are non-friendly creatures, but we are always hard-pressed for time, week days go by in a haze and we hang out with non-neighbor friends during most weekends, and some weekends we keep it for ourselves). I & DH cannot afford to be like this anymore. We have to get friendly with our neighbors at least for Nikki’s sake, so he will get playmates and develop some social skills. I was waiting for the first person to knock the door, so we can set out going knocking others. Nobody, not even ONE SINGLE SOUL turned up. Probably they were scared away by my pumpkin painting that was placed on the porch.

I saw Halloween decorations in front of many of the houses and thought there will be celebrations. Heck, I have seen at least about 3-4 kids when I went for a walk once with Nikki around the condo. Where were they? In my 3+ years of being in the US, I haven’t seen a Halloween pass by so uneventful. I bought a big pumpkin a month ago, spent 2 hours painting it, got a few more decorations for the porch not heeding(when did I?) to DH’s protests, all in vain. I had hopes until 7.30 PM and started ranting after that. DH was happy that he can eat all the chocolates, he did not go trick/treating with Nikki in spite of me prodding him so much to take the first step. I will email the Condo association asking if there are so many heart patients in the condo, that they decided to ban trick/treating. That is the only reason I can think of.


Hmmm… ** BIG SIGHHH ***. Next Halloween, hopefully Nikki will have fun at least at his day care. We cannot obviously sell this and buy a new house just so we can celebrate Halloween.

First Fall...

Nikki had his first fall last night, actually wee hours of today morning around 2:30 AM. I was away in the kitchen, mixing formula for him. His Daddy who was prodded by Mommy before she went off to the kitchen, said “hmm” and went right back to sleep. Nikki was crying out for Amma and was trying to reach her, he crossed over 2 pillows and fell down with a big thud. Daddy woke up and rushed to his rescue, Grandma came shouting & running and Amma followed suit from the kitchen with her heart pounding. Thank God for the thick carpet on the floor, nothing serious happened. My worst fear as I was running from kitchen to the bedroom was, what if he had hit the bed railings. Ours is a heavy wooden bed and the railings have rather sharp edges. The thought of it gives me shudders. Poor thing he cried and cried and finally went to sleep, slurping down his milk. I apologized so much to him for having left him there in peril’s way, it was actually DH’s fault, but I should be extra-precautious henceforth. I wouldn’t blame DH too, poor guy came to bed very late after doing lot of bill payments, sorting out bills/documents, all that stuff.

Nikki, sorry’da chellam.

Need some wisdom…

We are undertaking our first major trip across continents in about a month from now. And I am writing down the shopping list and a checklist of things that has to be packed up for Nikki. Even for a 2 hour trip that we make over the weekend to visit the temple, I pack up 2 bags for Nikki, 1 diaper bag and other a supply bag.
Diaper bag will have

· Epi-pen (injection for anaphylaxis – life threatening allergy attack)
· 5-6 diapers, wet-wipe box, diaper mat
· Formula supply that would last for a couple of days
· 3-4 of gerber/beechnut fruits / veggies (Nikki does not ever have them)
· 2 servings of ½ cup cereals (what if he doesn’t like rice and wants oats and vice versa)
· 1 serving of snack variety that is in vogue during that week
· 2 bottles, 3 spoons, sipper, 2 cups
· A flask with hot water
· 5 sets of clothes
· 3 pairs of socks, gloves, hats (even during hot summer, what if it suddenly gets cold)
· Infant Tylenol (what if …)
· Pedialyte (what if, you know what…)
· Moisturizers
· Hand sanitizer
· Pacifier (he has never had one, it MIGHT come to rescue if he cries inconsolably)
· Teethers, 1 or 2 toys (these will be taken in hand if the diaper bag overflows, which it does most of the times)
· Baby Comb (you won’t believe the amount of hair Nikki has, I can plait his hair. Will try posting his pictures soon, DH is not willing to make them public yet)
· Nursing pads for self (I stopped nursing him during the day 2 months back, what if?)
· My mobile and wallet if I don’t wear pants with pockets

Supply bag:

· flask with lukewarm water
· dozen diapers, one more box of wipe
· more toys
· towel
· blanket
· more food supplies depending upon the duration of the trip

My mom calls the diaper bag pudhayal (treasure trove), you will uncover lotsa stuff other than those mentioned above. Some examples: coupons, brochures from Ped’s office, prescriptions, pens, let me stop here, I am digressing from the point of this post. I think this must have given you guys an idea of the level of preparedness I am in for Nikki in normal circumstances, where I have access to all of these stuff in less than 30 minutes, even if I forget to take them along.

All of you travel-wise moms out there, please provide your 2 cents on what WILL BE, MIGHT BE required and WHAT YOU WISHED YOU HAD TAKEN while traveling to India. I am advised to even pack diapers, wipes and the like from here. I am not sure if I really have to, diapers & wipes that you get in India should be good enough I guess. But with Nikki, I want to be on the safer side, I would rather go overboard than regret after going there.

We are having a Ped visit coming up in a week, she said she would be immunizing him against Measles (he is close to 10 months now) and nothing else. One of my neighbor here said her Ped gave her daughter some pills to treat Malaria. Should I ask for anything from my Ped? Any wisdom on this account will be greatly appreciated. We are taking Lufthansa via Frankfurt, so any experiences, travel restrictions you have come across, heard about recently, please let me know.

Now, I don’t want to sound like a hyper-protective mom who thinks of India (rather coimbatore, my home town) as a disease ridden place. I want Nikki to be exposed to all kinds of environments, but reasonably so, I want to be enjoying our vacation there, not to let Nikki get sick and suffer along with him. Despite warnings of having a weakened immune system, I and DH are NOT taking any vaccines or tablets, just planning to be careful with water and outside food. The latter I don’t think I can, I am just waiting to devour all junk food from the street shops. The thought of having to vaccinate myself to be at MY HOME is unthinkable. I cannot even think like that.