Part III – Pushing and the arrival of Nikki

Read Part I and Part II here...

Gradually I started feeling pain and at 4 PM I was ready to P-U-S-H. Michelle supported one of my legs, DH the other and I started pushing : 1-2-3. After 3 or 4 pushes, Michelle told me I am not pushing with the contraction and the intensity of my push was not enough, she asked me to skip 2 of them and do the 3rd one with full force. Only when I tried doing it I realized that I was not feeling pain as a contraction like a wave (increase, reach a peak, decrease, no pain, increase,…). It was paining all the time and it hurt like hell. There was not one second when I was not feeling pain. The way I had envisioned my labor, where I would relax, talk during the pain-free 1-2 mins and push with force when the pain comes back with intensity, flew through the window. I told Michelle that and that I will push when I think the pain was unbearable, and since it felt like that all the time, I was pushing randomly.

One hour passed, still no progress, another nurse was roped in for help. The plan was that Michelle will look at my contraction monitor and tell me when I am having a big contraction and I will push accordingly. The big contractions were occurring very randomly apart, 2 or 3 will come in quick succession, I wouldn’t be able to use all of them and then after a gap of 10 minutes will come another. The new nurse who came in did not like it, she wanted to speed things up. Thus far, I was pushing by holding onto my thighs and thrusting my legs on somebody (one DH and the other with the nurse). She brought in the squat bar, tied one end of a long blanket to it, asked me to hold on to the other end of the blanket, place my soles on the bar and push against it as I curled up. It was C.R.U.E.L to say the least. When I pushed like that, the whole weight of my body will rest on one or two discs of my mid-spine, and the pressure of the baby was unbearable, it was like my pelvic area was crumbling to pieces. I couldn’t have done that kind of stuff even in my non-pregnant state. I was sweating and shouting “ennala mudiyala” (I cannot). It went on for another 1 hour and I told them I don’t have any energy left in me to push like this. I thought of giving it all up and saying yes for a c-section. I told Michelle I needed to rest for 10 minutes at least before continuing with this ordeal. She sensed that this method of pushing was not going down well with me and asked the other nurse to remove the squat bar arrangement. Thoughts of c-section were cropping up in my mind, close to 2 hours of pushing and no progress. What was this boy thinking, why is he taking so long to come out?

We resumed pushing like we were doing before. Dr. A came in for a quick check around 6 PM, she told me she came to deliver the baby and here I was still pushing. She stayed with me this time, talking to me gently and encouraging me that I can do it. She did not talk about c-section at all. In the pushing frenzy, I had even forgotten how to push efficiently and was not drawing in enough air. I pulled my act together and started pushing with renewed vigor. Every time I pushed, I shouted “I cannot take this anymore”, “ I cannot”, “ennala mudila”, “I don’t want to do this”, “ it is unbearable”. She would say “you are strong, you can do it”. Mom also joined her in encouraging me, whenever I pushed Mom was getting very excited, “innum konjam thallu, pappa thalai theriyuthu” (push some more, I can see the baby’s head) and Dr.A would be “I can see the baby’s head, he has lots of hair” (Don’t ask me what DH was saying, he said nothing). Another hour passed, I started thinking that they are lying to me in order to encourage me. It was 3 hours since I started pushing, without any progress I decided that Dr.A would go in for c-section. Surprisingly, she was not talking about it all. I told her that I was feeling the pain without any respite even for a second and that was making it extremely tough for me. She was sympathetic and told me that she is going to cut open my perineum(episiotomy) to help baby come out since his head was also big. It did not matter to her that in my birth plan, I had shown my preference to tear naturally and was not at all for a surgical cut. She did not wait for my response and cut me up. I was fearing these stitches far worse than the c-section stitches.


She asked me to continue pushing and went to attend another delivery. She came back in 15 minutes with vacuum and asked me if she could use it. I asked her to use it only 4 times and if the baby is not able to come out by then, I will agree for a c-section, did not want to put Nikki at any risk. I was completely exhausted, out of breath, sweating, requests for cooling down the room were turned down (they wanted the room to be warm since the baby was expected anytime), thighs, legs, back, arms were aching like hell. I pushed 3 or 4 times more and every time I would say “I cannot do this anymore” and Dr.A would say “shove some more, baby will come out”. Vacuum had been used a couple of times without any result. Things were getting ready around me, baby warmer was being warmed up, one more nurse was called in for helping Dr.A. I was feeling depressed and desperate. Dr.A was paged for attending some other delivery a couple rooms down the corridor. I resigned myself to c-section because it seemed I would never be able to push the baby out. There was nothing left in me. All the efforts I had taken during my pregnancy to have a vaginal delivery, walking everyday (after coming back from work, will do the cooking and other chores and would drive up to the mall however tired I am, even if it is 10 PM and had to go to work early next day), do exercises (I have never ever exercised before or after pregnancy), the antenatal classes, all the pain that I had endured during that day, close to 4 hours of pushing, everything flashed to my mind. I was not willing to give up now. I was determined to give everything (whatever was left in me) and make one last effort in pushing. Dr.A was back by then(10 minutes).

It was about 7.45 PM, I started pushing again. This time I was not pushing by anybody’s directions. I started pushing when I felt I had enough strength, sometimes in quick succession, sometimes 3-4 minutes apart, and out came Nikki at 8:05PM, when I was least expecting him to arrive, after 17 hours of labor and 4 hours of pushing. Within a couple of seconds of Nikki coming out, DH rushed out of the room aghast by the gush of blood and fluid that came following him. No, he did not cut his umbilical cord neither did he click pictures. Dr.A was worried he would faint in the corridor and sent one nurse looking for him. The other nurse was massaging my belly and within couple of minutes placenta came out. I was shouting, “it is still paining, it is not reducing”, Dr. A just smiled at me and continued sewing me up. Apparently the pain doesn’t stop immediately after the baby comes out. I wanted to see Nikki, but they had taken him to the warmer without showing him to me, they wanted to examine him immediately since his scalp had bruises from the application of vacuum. The nurse told me she would give him to me after 10 minutes, so I started picking Dr.A’s head. How many times did you apply vacuum? How many stitches am I having? Is it a 3rd degree or 4th degree tear? When will the pain stop? She told me she had applied vacuum 6 or 7 times, she had expected 4th degree tear because of the weight of the baby, the size of his head and the amount of time we pushed, but it is only 3rd degree, it was about 12 stitches, the thing that was prodding me in the rectal area is a hemorrhoid that had protruded out early that morning because of Nikki’s weight. DH came back within a few minutes, mom and DH did not come to my side at all during those 10 minutes, they were busy checking Nikki out. Nikki was 9 pounds(4.1 kgs) and 21.7 inches, he scored 7 in the 1st Apgar test and 9 in the 2nd. His weight was exactly as predicted by the ultrasound not even an ounce less or more. (7 ½ pounds at 36 weeks, at a rate of ½ pound a week, he should be 9 pounds by the end of 39th week).

He was brought to me wrapped up in warm clothes, he looked like an angel, I couldn’t believe he was mine. He was not looking like a typical newborn baby(tiny, closed eyes, wrinkly skin), he already looked like he was 3 months, skin was angelic (reminded me of roses instantly), eyes wide open and very alert, but tired from the ordeal. I felt for him, it should have been equally tough for him if not more, he had been crying inconsolably for the first 5 minutes. I still can remember his cry as soon as he came out, it was heart-wrenching. Here I am writing about what I endured and everything, he might have endured more pain than me and has no memory of it. He was a little trooper, he did not fail his amma, not once during the delivery did he give her worried moments with reducing heartbeat and the like.

I took him closer and the first thing that occurred to me was that he was DH’s clone(other than eyes) and he had my SIL’s eyes, no resemblance whatsoever to my side of the family. I was disappointed because I wanted him to have my eyes(brown). If not my eyes, at least DH’s, my sister’s, or his own unique eyes, not my SIL’s. I don’t know why I felt so then, now it sounds stupid to me. Anyways, after the customary opening of the milk shop (was not emotional about it at all, actually felt as though I was cheating him because there was nothing there), he was taken to the nursery. I was in no mood to enjoy him, neither did I bond with him instantly. Everything still felt surreal, I could not believe he was mine.

Labor is a different experience for every woman and her perceptions about it before and after it happens will also be different.

In the hindsight these are my perceptions

1. Labor pain is not so hell-like as shown in the movies, it is manageable, it was like very bad menstrual pain for me.

2. Pushing is not comparably(to labor I mean) easy, for me labor was easier and I even could have endured pushing if it was only for 2 hours, but 4 hours was H.E.L.L.

3. Epidural late during labor –helped me with pain only for 2-3 hours. I wonder if it delayed the dilation part and had I been mobile, probably my pushing time also would have reduced. Because of the epidural, catheter was used to remove urine and that gave me urinary infection.

4. If you know your baby is big, it is better to go in for an elective c-section, rather than attempting to have vaginal delivery. C-sect moms may disagree with me, I do not know the pain of c-section and the post-partum woes that come with it, but I know the pain of episiotomy stitches, urinary infection and hemorrhoids occurring together. I could not sit, pee or poop without pain & crying for 8 weeks. Had I known what post-partum had in store for me before, I probably would have opted for c-section. The weird pushing that I did for 1 hour did so much repair to my body, I could not stand straight/walk properly, sometimes I even had trouble breathing because my mid-back and spine hurt like they were going to break. Every cell in my body ached for close to 2 months, apart from having Tylenol every 4-6 hours, I took oxycontin when pain reached unbearable levels(I am a person who hates to take medicine, unless otherwise it is absolutely necessary). My legs swelled up so badly(19 hours of IV and lot of water take) and it took 2-3 weeks for my body to flush everything out. My other post-partum woes that had nothing to do with vaginal delivery: Boils in the armpits sometimes so big that I could not even move my hands(I still get them, I have to stop breastfeeding completely in order to get complete diagnosis & treatment), De Quervain’s syndrome(extreme wrist pain) got so worse that I could not even hold my plate while eating. (imagine having to hold a baby as big as Nikki for breastfeeding n times during the day, Nikki loved to cluster feed during the initial 2 months). I was so depressed(not clinical depression) during the initial 8 weeks, I would just cry, cry and cry because of the physical pain that I was enduring, I hated being sick and would be longing for the days when I can be my usual self. I did not even feel like talking to anyone, the moment the person asked me “how r u doing”, my eyes would start welling up and I will start sobbing over the phone. I was awash with self-pity. I sometimes felt I should not have had Nikki, babies are not for lesser mortals like me. DH did not know what to do, he would take care of feeding Nikki the expressed milk during nights and rock him to sleep. He sometimes would be annoyed with my constant whining and crying. My mum was my rock during those days, I don’t think we would have survived it all without her. I am ETERNALLY indebted to her for having been there by my side, in a foreign land braving the harsh north-east winter, consoling me, encouraging me, taking care of me, Nikki and the home. I really wished I had given birth to Nikki in India because I saw her undergo so many hardships, just for us. She would have had lot of help there, here she was doing everything all by herself in an unknown place with not-so-familiar American ways of bringing up the baby. Amma, I LOVE YOU, YOU ARE THE BESSSTTTTESSSSTTT.


So, that is our story. Nikki is the joy of our lives, he is worth much more than e..v.e.r.y. bit of ordeal I went through, if I had to relive everything allover again, I will try to do it in a more happy way, with less whining and crying.

PS: I have to mention this weird weird dream that I had about 10 days before delivering Nikki. I don’t know if it was intuition or premonition. I did not know what it meant then. In my dream, I opened up my tummy, took Nikki out and showed him to everyone. Everyone was going “uuuhhh”, “aaahhhh” over his looks, I was the only one who noticed that his head is weirdly oblong, it was like somebody had pulled his head from top and there was a very big bump (it was not standing out, it was more like the shape of his head itself was modified), I caressed him and put him back inside my tummy. He was almost similar to how I saw him in my dream, a bump and some bruises at the top of his head because of the vacuum usage, it was not so weirdly oblong though.

PPS: His eyes looked like SIL’s only for a couple of days. As soon as he lost the water weight couple of days after his birth, his eyes started looking bigger unlike the Chinese eyes of his aunt. He now is a complete clone of DH including eyes.