Writing - the long-forgotten, rediscovered therapy...

Some History:

Writing is like catharsis for me. I have been writing ever since I came of age (not literally , but around the time I started thinking on my own and became an individual. Guess around 8th grade). My diary used to be my best friend (will explain the past-tense later). My college days was when the writing frenzy hit its' peak, I wrote poems, stories for my college magazine. I wrote in my diary everyday, even the day before the semester exam when I was cramming 6 months worth of stuff(?) into my mind to vomit it on the answer paper the next day. Writing was like downloading my feelings and thoughts from my heart/mind. In the introspection process, I dissected what I thought, what I felt and went into psycho-analysis trying to reason why I chose to do something over the other, why I felt this way and not that way, etc. I wrote about my dreams, ambitions, my thoughts about God (I became an atheist then, now I am not sure what I am,probably agnostic), Marriage (I hated this for all the same reasons tamilpunkster says, and had some more reasons too. Vowed never to get married, only to fall in love after a couple of years, that is a story worth a series of posts), Babies, Life, Happiness and lot more. More than anything, it was a medium for me to vent out all negative feelings out of my system. When I finished writing, it always made me a better person, the anger inside my heart melted away as I wrote about it. I had clarity in my thought, I was a strong individual with very strong beliefs and dis-beliefs.

How I lost it:
As I moved out of my home and started working(around the sametime I fell in love),somehow this habit was forgotten. I don't know if it was lack of time, or I was afraid to put my feelings in writing (in case someone gets to read it), or I was buried too deep in love that I had no time to think/feel anything else, this habit gradually stopped. My writings were limited to emails that I wrote to friends and DH.

Over the years, the marriage took its' toll on me(as a person) and now with my little one I absolutely find no time for anything. I have become a short-tempered, less tolerant, non-thinking person who is always under stress. I blame DH for what I have become (and for lot of other things :D).

Why I re-discovered it:

There was a major problem with my MIL about a month ago. Though in the hind-sight, I think I have contributed to it knowlingly or un-knowingly, when she started bullying me into a fight, I easily fell into the trap, and let my tongue spit a little bit of venom from the poison tree that had been growing in my mind ever since our marriage. My heart just couldn't take it anymore. All the insults that were meted out to my parents, every incident when we were we are neglected (even our little one), absolute lack of love and affection towards us,everything flashed to my mind. When she started accusing me of all nonsense that I couldn't even think of, I lost it. I went down to her level, and barrage of words were fired at each other. All the while DH was asking me to keep quiet, which I was not able to do. Seething and raging with anger, I told her a couple of things which hurt her more. The next day, she picked upon what I said the previous day and it grew into another petty fight.

I realised that it is taking us nowhere, and out of sheer courtesy towards her age and the reason she is at our home is to look after our son when I went to work, I apologised to her for the hurt that I had caused her. I REALLY DID MEAN MY APOLOGY. It was not just mere words. I really couldn't bear seeing someone so hurt, that too by my words, and that too when she was a guest in our home. She never did feel a little teeny bit for what she had done. She stood her ground and kept yelling all nonsense about me. The hurt I felt was immense. I am still feeling it. The net effect is my lactation dropping drastically, my milk production went down to a mere 3-4 ounces from 12 ounces when I pumped every morning. I can neither forgive her nor forget all that she said and did. For the past few weeks, I am not able to do anything properly. I did not even feel hunger for few days. I would have taken off from work, but since it would mean being home with her, I went to work merely to escape from her. I am taking the next week off to complete my work.

I have been thinking and thinking and thinking about it. Only to feel depressed one moment, thinking about my sweetie-pie and trying to be happy the next moment, my mind is still in a turmoil. My mom is here and things are a bit better. Probably that is why I am feeling better too. If only I had left the channel for venting i.e. writing, open, probably it would not have affected me this badly. Probably I would have learnt to ignore her, or deal with her in a better way. Writing means a lot of introspection and reasoning. I am still mulling about the whole episode. I will write a detailed post, on the actual problem, and the solutions that I think might work. Unlike my diary which is read only by me, my blog is open to lot of sensible people who can understand me.

I am off to Niagara this weekend (with MIL!), because according to her, her US trip is not complete without one and people back home will laugh at her if she goes back without seeing it. Will get back and do the post I am talking about. And about the trip ofcourse. This is the first long road-trip that we are making with our littleone. Looking forward to all the adventures.

Happy weekend guys! Off we go!