What is culture

I first wrote this as a comment in Ammani's post, but liked it so much after reading that I am posting it here also:

Culture is what is injected inside you from birth, practised for years by the community you were born into (and/or the community you grow up in, if both are different), more or less shapes your approach to everything you do(what & how) in life, without you consciously realizing it.

What you eat, how you dress, how you react to death(oppari,just crying, silence), how you greet people(folded hands, shake hands, rub noses), how you treat children/elders, how much importance you give to time, what you gift on specific occasions & how u gift it(writing in a specific color of pen is bad omen to Chinese - don't remember what), your attitude towards work, how you marry, expectations in married life, what you celebrate or don't, how you bury the dead, how you remember them... I can go on and on and on. In general, what a community considers good/bad ...

I attended a workshop on cross-cultural awareness sponsored by my company when I first traveled to US(about 4 years back). I wish I had kept the material that they distributed then. It was very interesting. The guy (actually old uncle - see I am calling him uncle it is my culture :) ) was well traveled and had lived abroad for more than 25 years. He classified world culture into 3 types: Active (american, most of european), Reactive(south east, India, few european - italy, spain) and I forgot the name of the 3rd one, that is practised in Japan and some of mid-east, it was the best. I was amazed about a lot of things he said. That Indians, Italians and Spaniards have lot in common(punctuality rather lack of it, siesta,work ethics, etc.). The importance Japanese give to elders, family, work(working 16 hrs a day is not really hardwork), country(patriotism is part of their culture), how they react to shame(suicide for this is common), meeting room etiquettes(hardly anybody speaks much in the open) etc... I forgot lot of stuff. The impression it left in my mind is :there is good and bad in every culture, Japanese(hope I remember the term, i am breaking my head) is best, no matter the culture you were born into or brought up in, it is important to know the culture of the place you are living in or traveling to, so you don't feel out of place/awkward in public situations and most importantly, DON'T INADVERTENTLY CAUSE HURT TO THEIR VALUES/SENTIMENTS.

A lot of us have adopted some good values from the active(American) culture, we are already a cross-culture breed, our children will be more, it is actually good because they are going to travel more than us.

Migration and Cultural assimilation – my thoughts

This is in response to DotMom’s post that triggered these posts from Poppin’s mom and Tharini.
(DotMom traces it back to Sujatha’s post that discussed Shobha Narayan’s journey back to the motherland).

Cultural assimilation is a very complex multi-layered thing. I don’t think there is a definite black and white picture, not even grey, it is a canvas with lots of hues, sunset is what comes to my mind when I think of this potpourri of cultures.

I for one is a Telegu-tamilian but never felt that hyphen troubling because I never had any questions about my identity. I see myself as a Tamil who knows to speak the fractured telegu spoken in our family/community. As far as traditions, festivals, rituals go, we follow what is followed in our community, it is not radically different from what others follow. We have some extra / different rituals and festivals, the difference is something that you can find between 2 different castes( or sub-sects within the same caste) of tamil origin, I don’t think the difference is solely because of our telegu origin. I have visited Andhra only twice in my life time and that was for our 2 Tirupathi visits. Our ancestors migrated from Andhra to Coimbatore at least 400 years ago, when Mughals came conquering the South and were plundering wealth and abducting women all their way. There is a wonderful wonderful book written by Ki.Rajanarayanan - Gopalla gramam (Village of Gopalla) that tells our story. I think it won Sahithya Academy award. It is one of my all time favorites, not only because it is our story, but also because it so vividly captures the story of a migrated generation from the eyes of a Octogenarian grandmother who saw it all.

I was a Tamil fanatic during my school and college days (the zeal is less now) to an extent that I used to idolize Prabhakaran and had a soft corner for the Tamil eelam cause. None of my family(to at least great-grandfather level if not much more) can identify Telegu from Urdu. I can identify Telegu alphabets (not to say this is “ka” that is “cha”, only to say this looks like telegu), thanks for the 2 years that I lived and worked in Bangalore. I used to lived in a Paying Guest accommodation and there were some native Kannadigas & Andhrites who l became friends with. I learnt to speak some Kannada, even attempted to learn alphabets, became familiar with names of Kannada heroes, which lot of Kannadigas found surprisingly different. Though I hated the sweet sambars, ubiquitous peanuts and kind of sweet heavy cuisine, I loved and learnt recipes for Bisibelabhath, vangibhath, peanut chutney and akki roti. (Ragi mudhdhe & obbattu are not alien to me, my grandmother makes them so well).

I don’t identify myself with telegu speaking people from Andhra, but we celebrate “Ugadi” (as well as “Chithirai kani”). When I was younger when somebody asked what my mother tongue was, I would say “Telegu”, because that is what I was taught at home. I grew up watching Tamil movies, reading Tamil books, having Tamil friends (there were few friends from different backgrounds, but Tamil was the common thread between all of us), tamil surroundings, tamil everything that, when I was 14 or 15 I started thinking tamil as my mother tongue. Even though I identify myself as Tamil, I have no qualms associating myself with my community and have a very good sense of belonging. I feel proud about my roots without feeling superior or inferior about others. That I think is what I want to inculcate in Nikki too.

When I tell my mother, I am tamil, she will give me a questioning look, but she has learnt to accept it. We don’t even speak in telegu in our family, Telegu now is reserved to elders and to other relatives who prefer to talk to us in Telegu. I and DH have never spoken a word in Telegu between us. I am a little sad that Nikki will not learn Telegu from us, but he will know a few words here and there because the grandparents, aunts & uncles converse with him in Telegu. I am sure he will talk Tamil, planning to teach him to read & write it as well. I want him to be able to read tamil books and appreciate them. Especially the ones that I love.

Have our parents failed in preserving our roots? Does it mean our grandparents, great grandparents, their ancestors failed to inculcate the telegu culture in us? I don’t think so. We are nth generation, the dilution (of the local with the ancestral) process happened very gradually with every passing generation, there was a little some thing that was lost, without anyone consciously realizing it. Even if someone realized it, it did not matter to them then because it would have been something negligible and they would have probably blamed “generation gap” for it. As long as the changes are subtle and are at a acceptable level to parents, there is no need to fret about anything.

Now I know I cannot extend this to a cultural disparity that is as wide as is between India and the US. I have been here only 3+ years but I think I have assimilated more than those who have lived here for 10 years. We celebrate Halloween & Thanksgiving understanding it's spirit fully. Thanksgiving is exactly similar to Pongal that we celebrate back in India, thanking Gods for the bountiful harvest. Our Thanksgiving feast did not have a Turkey though, we had a store bought chicken on our table. I am planning to throw a vegetarian Thanks giving feast this year, adapting it to my style of living (I am a vegetarian, but cook non-veg for DH's sake, this year I don't feel like making non-veg). I have not chosen to celebrate July 4th and Christmas as they don't mean anything to me yet(other than vacation time & shopping deals). As Nikki grows and has American friends, I will start celebrating them too, because it is his country and I do not want him to feel alienated here. He is an American by birth and if he grows up here I will let him be an American, but one with Indian roots. American to the extent that it does not conflict with the ethics and values of our family. I don’t subscribe to the general desi view point that Indian culture is better than US. And I don’t see anything that is so wrong with the American culture. What am I worried about? Drinking, dating? Do you think it is not happening in India now? I wouldn’t mind having non-indian grandchildren (I cannot escape this possibility even if he is brought up in India, I am sure he will go abroad for studies or to work, or people might migrate to India for better prospects).

There are so many Indians here that I see who do not even know the Governor of the state (Thank God they know Bush is their President), name of their City Mayor, know nothing about their local baseball teams, take no interest at all in watching the local news, but religiously watch Sun TV news everyday, read Indian news portals and keep themselves abreast about the gossip columns better than Indians living in India. I don’t see anything wrong in the latter part, but being completely oblivious to the society that you are living in gets me. Recently Red Sox (our baseball team) won the World series for the 2nd time in 5 years and celebration was in the air wherever you went, I could not but help feel happy & proud. I bought a Red Sox tee for Nikki, when most desi moms around me think Red Sox as red coloured socks. Actually it is not just the moms, even the guys are like that, people will be surprised when something like this comes up in a conversation : listening to NPR, pumpkin painting for Halloween, contribution to local charities(St.Jude’s hospital), blah blah blah. And these are guys who have been here for the past 7 – 8 years and well on their way to become citizens.

As things stand now, US is a better country in terms of education, opportunities and I think the American dream is still very much possible. I.e. With sheer hard work you can go from rags to riches. I know it is not so easy in India. I did not want to deny it to Nikki when I had a chance to offer that to him on a platter. All of us strive to give what we think is the best to our children.

Now, I want to view US-India cultural assimilation from two perspectives:

1. From Anitha's view point - who was 25 years, educated, employed, married, had a fully developed personality with her own thoughts, opinions, dreams, likes and dislikes when she landed in the US of A.

2. From Nikki’s view point – who was born here, will be brought up here for quite some time and probably may end up living here as well.

(DH is exactly similar to Shobha's husband, given a chance he would like to live here, at least Shobha's husband was close to his parents and that was one reason that tilted him towards to India, DH is not close to his family, so that is ruled out. The only thing that MIGHT make him come to India is me leaving him and going back to India :-))

Scenario 1 – We going back to India when Nikki is 6 or 7:

I am thinking 6-7 years is when children start developing strong personalities, uprooting him after that will make the transition tough for him is what I feel.

Anitha’s view: I will be HOME and can see my family when I want to. Do whatever I am dreaming of : organic farming, open a restaurant that serves Coimbatore cuisine, pursue my masters in literature, do some NGO work, open a Montessori school, archeology, the list is endless. I have always dreamt of my life in India and no where else. I am too old to change my dreams. There are lot of other things too, living close to my sis & hence my niece V( I luvvvvv her like my own daughter), Nikki developing strong ties with his extended family, etc.

Nikki’s view: Nikki will have some tough time initially during transitioning, but I guess he will quickly grow over it. When he becomes 18, he will have the option to choose the country he wants to be a citizen of. If he chooses US because he thinks he has a better future there, he is absolutely free of all the immigration hassles (hassle is not the word) that we are going through now. If he chooses India, let it be. It is his life and I will be happy for him.

Scenario 2 – Nikki growing up here and I going back to India when he starts college:

Anitha’s view: There are so many things that I like in the US.(read Shobha’s pros), there are some things that I don’t like, but there are so many things that I like and don’t like in India as well. But I think what is more important is the feeling of being at home. I don’t feel I belong here YET. I don’t understand lot of their jokes, don’t feel comfortable in a mostly American gathering, don’t understand lot of anecdotes that they quote from their past, but I find them incredibly friendly and polite and when I ask questions they enjoy explaining the context of the joke. It is still an on-going journey for me, I learn something new everyday. I would enjoy living here for some more time, but no doubt in the long term, it is going to be tough on me. Not a single day passes without me feeling home sick / nostalgic, but I think it is mainly because it is 3+ years since I went to India.

Nikki’s view:
I would like Nikki to get best of the both. I don’t think he will have a problem assimilating himself here. Getting Indian-ness into him will also not be a big deal because that is how we are at home. I cook Indian meals, wear Indian dresses, celebrate Indian festivals, talk Indian language, and socialize with lot of Indians. He will grow up understanding that he is an American but his roots are in India, he has some things in common with his American friends, he has also a few things that are unique to his culture. It is not a tough thing to do. I am sure a lot of his American friends will also be sailing the same boat. There are very few American-Americans, almost every other person is a Some-American, an Indian-American, Chinese-American, African-American, Hispanic-American, Irish-American, I can go on and on and on. It is the land of immigrants, almost every other kid will have something that is unique to their culture, that they practise at their home.

I am an Indian, DH calls himself a global citizen (he would live in any country where he thinks life is better), Nikki should grow up and decide what he wants to be. It need not always be one or the other it can be a mixture of many cultures as long as it does not cause pain to himself or others around him. I am sure I can bring him up as a sensible man who knows to respect basic human ethics.

I don’t know if I would start thinking about myself as a global citizen 10 – 15 years from now. I have surprised myself many a times in my life. A rebellious teenager who thought love is just hormonal gush and marriage as a license to sex to a twenty-something who fell in love and got married, change is the only constant thing that is happening with me, I keep evolving. As of now, I can plan for only next 4-5 years of my life and that will be here in the US.

World is becoming smaller and smaller and smaller that, I think in a century or less, books and movies will be the only place that will be the culture keepers, while the whole world would have adopted kind of a universal culture with subtle differences to suit their countries. Do you know the feeling you get when you read historic novels (Ponniyin Selvan & the like) or black & white movies?

Till then, "Thirisangu lokam" will be the one word that will describe our lives. Neither here, nor there, somewhere in between as long as you can make peace with yourself (not our children’s, they will be clear, it is we who uprooted ourselves from our homes after we became adults). Whether it is a decision to go back to your homeland or to live in the migrated land, as long as you are comfortable with your decision and not confused, you should be good. How this decision plays into one’s life in another 25 years, only time will tell. Till then, I hope we keep this our little community going, so we can come back and start another thread on this topic.