Mired in my own thoughts...

let me accept it to myself. I am not as good as I think I am. I don’t like her and I cannot bring myself to forgive her, to be good to her or generally be a BIGGER, magnanimous person. the conflict in my mind is because I am trying to go against what comes naturally to me, to ignore / dislike someone who has caused so much of hurt(hurt is not the word, even trauma wouldn’t do justice). The problem is this is not that kind of relationship that can be ignored. I would feel guilty if I did it. it is very hard for me to be a hypocrite, so it is all the more tougher. It shows in my body language, I just cannot bring myself to feign affection and love. It is so not me. I am not a saint, “inna seithaarai oruthal avar nana nannayam seithu vidal” is very hard for me to do. I am not that kind of a person who wants to avenge either. I want to put IT back and get on with life. But I just am not able to FORGIVE or FORGET. I was OK for about 2 months, but it has come back haunting me again. Making me feel depressed, cry, giving me sleepless nights, extra ugly confrontations with DH, generally spoiling my life, the time I would have spent with Nikki, the time I would have spent reading a good book, cooking a new dish, talking to a good friend, choosing pictures for the collage frames that are lying idle for couple of months, hmm. I know I shouldn’t let this happen to me. She has forgotten everything and is having a good life. It is simply not worth my time. I know what the problem is. Me being the queen of lost moments, missed asking her so many things when IT happened. And I put up with abuse and kept completely quiet for the next 2 months, just because she was a guest at our home and the reason she was here is to look after Nikki so he won’t go to daycare before he is at least 1. Unless I give her a piece of my mind, and respond to everything she said, if not that, at least confront her for the insults that she meted out to my parents, especially my mom, I cannot be at peace. Wait, is this what is called revenge? I don’t know. Probably I am bad.

Do I know myself? Has IT revealed a completely new facet of my personality? I used to be the person who will keep quiet when I had confrontations with my father, sometimes he even has beat me, but I have put up with it calmly, forgiven him and almost forgotten everything. But what he spoke or did, did not hurt me THIS MUCH. It was kind of harmless, something that happened because he is a short-tempered person, he is not vile. I would just keep quiet for a couple of days, that will be my form of protest and ultimately either he or me will take the first step towards peace and everything will become normal. Nothing has haunted me THIS LONG and THIS MUCH in my life. Why it has come back NOW is because I am going to India. And I will have to go to THEIR house. I have no problem talking to THEM over the phone from here. I can manage that. But living in that house, just with the two of them, eating, sleeping, bathing, talking, smiling, listening to their talks, cooking dishes for them, eating food made by her, as though nothing ever happened between us, I simply cannot. I just CANNOT DO IT. But they have a right to enjoy Nikki, their grandson, and Nikki wouldn’t part with me, so I have to go. Do they have the right to enjoy the fruit of my womb whilst they hate me? Just because the seed for the fruit came from their lineage? I can manage being there for a few days or even for a week if DH is with us. I do not want to be there even for an hour when DH wouldn’t be there. There is no pressure for me from anyone. DH is completely cool, everything is upto you is what he says. See this is my problem. If he tells me, please try to stay there for a couple of days, I will fight with him . and if he tells me not to stay there, then I would ask him isn’t it wrong? After all, they are old people, they have some love (why it is only “some” is a big story) for Nikki, Nikki took to her well during her stay and I shouldn’t be denying them their rightful love. And there are these relatives with their endless inquisitive questions – when are you going to your in-laws?, oh you stayed there only for 2 days? Nikki is their property(I have already heard this).

I am making those painful phone calls every week just so we are in touch. With time, the calls have become less painful. But most of the times, something she says will linger on in my mind for a long time and will upset me. A remark that she makes comparing me with her daughter, something she says about DH, or I don’t know if it is me who takes everything in the wrong sense. Hmm. Human relationships are the most complex ones. It is tough to make DH understand where I am coming from in spite of being with him for so many years. Sometimes, I want to sit down with her, explain everything and tell her that she has misunderstood a lott of things, basically tell her that I am not what she thinks I am. And also gently remind her that she has no right whatsoever to insult my parents. And give her a chance to explain her behavior too. DH warns me she will never listen (he knows her better, after all his mother). It is akin starting another fight with her, if you start, it will be only you who will be hurt and do not come to me complaining about anything. She is foul-mouthed, arrogant, too egoistic and vile. (a sample: telling my mom that I do not love her or my family, I just act and talk as though I love them. logic: I don’t put food in her plate and give it to her, give her diabetes tablets on time, offer her snacks every now & then, generally take care of her).

DH thinks she has gone insane, so there is no point talking to her. Or else why anyone in their right mind would go to neighbors after I go to work and gossip about me, my parents, how I am torturing her at home, insulting her, give them her gold bangles and ask them to arrange tickets to India(her return tickets were already booked and she had the eticket with her), I shudder at the thought of somebody from DSS visiting us on complaints from our neighbors. Other than taking care of Nikki at home when we went to work (I used to telecommute on 3 days when she was here, so that lessened her burden), she was never asked by us to do ANY household work. She could not stand that her son’s house was run by me and she had no say whatsoever in lot of things (Back in India, FIL does all household work, she does only cooking – once a day, and spends all her time outside home(neighbors, window shopping). And she is an extremely dominant personality, arrogant often, FIL has no say whatsoever in anything, once he told me “I cannot spend even 5 paise without her approval”).

I think she also got lonely here when both of us went to work and that made her depressed. There was no Indian TV available in our area and we were not allowed to have satellite dishes. I did not have many tamil books for her to read, and she accused me for that too. “Idle mind is a devil’s workshop” – she misunderstood every little thing I spoke / did. If I shout at DH for not helping me clean the bathroom because there is tough stain and it hurts my wrists (I have a very bad case of De Quervain’s), she would understand that I am passing an insinuating comment at her that she made that stain and I am indirectly insulting her by asking DH to complete the cleaning. I am a v.e.r.y. absentminded person, misplace and will be searching for my rubber band(I have a couple that I use every other day) and cell phone almost everyday in the morning rush. One day I said “I don’t see any of my rubber-bands” while searching, apparently MIL was using some of mine, she thought I am insulting her, but she did not say anything to me or DH then. Instead she went to the neighbors after I went to work, cried to them telling them that I called her thief, got some rubber bands from them and used them. These are just samples, I can go on and on and on. Even if I try to brush off all these thinking that she really was depressed at that time, I cannot forgive her for the things she spoke to my mom. I am sure she was out of depression by then, having shouted at me, calling me names, accusing me of every possible mean thing, giving me curses in movie style(slapping her stomach with hands), threatening suicide when DH was not home, she did everything possible to hurt me other than hitting me. She tortured my mom with insults every single day(1 full month) that she lived with her. It really kills me when I think of that. And it is just 4 months since she left us. The wounds are still raw, I was almost into clinical depression, but for my mom’s presence here, I wouldn’t have survived it.

In the hindsight, I think I could have done a few things to avert this situation. I should have spoken to her more (DH doesn’t talk other than the mandatory conversations), got her books, arranged for some TV at least from the internet. She had gone to the neighbors (1 telegu, 1 tamil) and started comparing them with us and I think that is where the major problem started. This I don’t think I could have done anything. Neither could I have changed how things were at our home. I had lot of postpartum problems, without DH’s help I cannot run the home and also work full time. I can only make breakfast for him, cannot make sure he has it. Fruits are there for everyone to eat, I cannot feed him with fruits, milk and everything. And also attend to her, in spite of her showing a long face to me. Dynamics of every home is different, comparing will only add to the problems. This has taught me many lessons:
1. ILs can be mean just for the heck of it, no rhyme or reason.
2. Education and Age are not in anyway directly proportional to wisdom and maturity. They can very well be other way round.
3. Without knowing a person’s nature, do not get favours from them, do not invite them home for long stays, just because they are RELATED. Do not underestimate IL’s vileness.
4. Do not be so naïve (I did not know my MIL gossiping to neighbors about me for 2.5 months, until the day fight erupted and she told it to me herself. Never thought she HATED me so much, she was calling up her(ISD calls) relatives back in India and complaining about me. And the stupid me was talking to them nicely not knowing about all this, can quote lot of things from marriage days)

Now, I don’t know why I want to maintain relationship with them. Why am I against shunning them? Why do I want to keep peace with them? Because they are OLD? Because DH is their only son? Because they have fought with their daughter family as well and are not even in talking terms with them either? Because I want to be good? Because Nikki needs 2 sets of loving grandparents unlike me who had love from only one? Because I do not want to regret in the future that, had I given it a chance, things could have gotten better. Because it will be easier for me to “maintain” relationship since I am in the US? Is it because of a sense of duty towards them? Because they have some love for DH and Nikki? Because there were some faults on my side too? Little bit of everything I think. One thing is for sure, I just do not have it in me to undergo one more episode like this. It will break our marriage. This one already tested the strength of our marriage.

Hmmm. I go mad thinking how I should react to them in various hypothetical situations that might happen when I go visit. I should tell them this, that, what not. One part of me says, keep mum, do not start anything by yourself. Another part of me says, she cannot get away with what she has done. Another voice says, who am I to punish? She will not be able to bear it if I give her a piece of my mind. And it will only deteriorate things further. That is not what I want, so should I act as though nothing ever happened between us? What if she brings up something again? Endless questions. God, let me have the mental clarity to take things day by day, one at a time. Do not confuse my already confused mind with so many questions, hypothetical situations, what-ifs and whys. Let my mind imagine only positive things that I can look forward to. The time that I am going to spend with my family, my cutey naughty niece, my sister, my paati, uncles and aunts, seeing Nikki pampered with love, getting myself pampered, shopping with my mom and sister, seeing my friends and their kids, showing off Nikki to them, there are so many good things to look forward to. I need this break. Let nothing mar my vacation. PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE.