Part III – Pushing and the arrival of Nikki

Read Part I and Part II here...

Gradually I started feeling pain and at 4 PM I was ready to P-U-S-H. Michelle supported one of my legs, DH the other and I started pushing : 1-2-3. After 3 or 4 pushes, Michelle told me I am not pushing with the contraction and the intensity of my push was not enough, she asked me to skip 2 of them and do the 3rd one with full force. Only when I tried doing it I realized that I was not feeling pain as a contraction like a wave (increase, reach a peak, decrease, no pain, increase,…). It was paining all the time and it hurt like hell. There was not one second when I was not feeling pain. The way I had envisioned my labor, where I would relax, talk during the pain-free 1-2 mins and push with force when the pain comes back with intensity, flew through the window. I told Michelle that and that I will push when I think the pain was unbearable, and since it felt like that all the time, I was pushing randomly.

One hour passed, still no progress, another nurse was roped in for help. The plan was that Michelle will look at my contraction monitor and tell me when I am having a big contraction and I will push accordingly. The big contractions were occurring very randomly apart, 2 or 3 will come in quick succession, I wouldn’t be able to use all of them and then after a gap of 10 minutes will come another. The new nurse who came in did not like it, she wanted to speed things up. Thus far, I was pushing by holding onto my thighs and thrusting my legs on somebody (one DH and the other with the nurse). She brought in the squat bar, tied one end of a long blanket to it, asked me to hold on to the other end of the blanket, place my soles on the bar and push against it as I curled up. It was C.R.U.E.L to say the least. When I pushed like that, the whole weight of my body will rest on one or two discs of my mid-spine, and the pressure of the baby was unbearable, it was like my pelvic area was crumbling to pieces. I couldn’t have done that kind of stuff even in my non-pregnant state. I was sweating and shouting “ennala mudiyala” (I cannot). It went on for another 1 hour and I told them I don’t have any energy left in me to push like this. I thought of giving it all up and saying yes for a c-section. I told Michelle I needed to rest for 10 minutes at least before continuing with this ordeal. She sensed that this method of pushing was not going down well with me and asked the other nurse to remove the squat bar arrangement. Thoughts of c-section were cropping up in my mind, close to 2 hours of pushing and no progress. What was this boy thinking, why is he taking so long to come out?

We resumed pushing like we were doing before. Dr. A came in for a quick check around 6 PM, she told me she came to deliver the baby and here I was still pushing. She stayed with me this time, talking to me gently and encouraging me that I can do it. She did not talk about c-section at all. In the pushing frenzy, I had even forgotten how to push efficiently and was not drawing in enough air. I pulled my act together and started pushing with renewed vigor. Every time I pushed, I shouted “I cannot take this anymore”, “ I cannot”, “ennala mudila”, “I don’t want to do this”, “ it is unbearable”. She would say “you are strong, you can do it”. Mom also joined her in encouraging me, whenever I pushed Mom was getting very excited, “innum konjam thallu, pappa thalai theriyuthu” (push some more, I can see the baby’s head) and Dr.A would be “I can see the baby’s head, he has lots of hair” (Don’t ask me what DH was saying, he said nothing). Another hour passed, I started thinking that they are lying to me in order to encourage me. It was 3 hours since I started pushing, without any progress I decided that Dr.A would go in for c-section. Surprisingly, she was not talking about it all. I told her that I was feeling the pain without any respite even for a second and that was making it extremely tough for me. She was sympathetic and told me that she is going to cut open my perineum(episiotomy) to help baby come out since his head was also big. It did not matter to her that in my birth plan, I had shown my preference to tear naturally and was not at all for a surgical cut. She did not wait for my response and cut me up. I was fearing these stitches far worse than the c-section stitches.


She asked me to continue pushing and went to attend another delivery. She came back in 15 minutes with vacuum and asked me if she could use it. I asked her to use it only 4 times and if the baby is not able to come out by then, I will agree for a c-section, did not want to put Nikki at any risk. I was completely exhausted, out of breath, sweating, requests for cooling down the room were turned down (they wanted the room to be warm since the baby was expected anytime), thighs, legs, back, arms were aching like hell. I pushed 3 or 4 times more and every time I would say “I cannot do this anymore” and Dr.A would say “shove some more, baby will come out”. Vacuum had been used a couple of times without any result. Things were getting ready around me, baby warmer was being warmed up, one more nurse was called in for helping Dr.A. I was feeling depressed and desperate. Dr.A was paged for attending some other delivery a couple rooms down the corridor. I resigned myself to c-section because it seemed I would never be able to push the baby out. There was nothing left in me. All the efforts I had taken during my pregnancy to have a vaginal delivery, walking everyday (after coming back from work, will do the cooking and other chores and would drive up to the mall however tired I am, even if it is 10 PM and had to go to work early next day), do exercises (I have never ever exercised before or after pregnancy), the antenatal classes, all the pain that I had endured during that day, close to 4 hours of pushing, everything flashed to my mind. I was not willing to give up now. I was determined to give everything (whatever was left in me) and make one last effort in pushing. Dr.A was back by then(10 minutes).

It was about 7.45 PM, I started pushing again. This time I was not pushing by anybody’s directions. I started pushing when I felt I had enough strength, sometimes in quick succession, sometimes 3-4 minutes apart, and out came Nikki at 8:05PM, when I was least expecting him to arrive, after 17 hours of labor and 4 hours of pushing. Within a couple of seconds of Nikki coming out, DH rushed out of the room aghast by the gush of blood and fluid that came following him. No, he did not cut his umbilical cord neither did he click pictures. Dr.A was worried he would faint in the corridor and sent one nurse looking for him. The other nurse was massaging my belly and within couple of minutes placenta came out. I was shouting, “it is still paining, it is not reducing”, Dr. A just smiled at me and continued sewing me up. Apparently the pain doesn’t stop immediately after the baby comes out. I wanted to see Nikki, but they had taken him to the warmer without showing him to me, they wanted to examine him immediately since his scalp had bruises from the application of vacuum. The nurse told me she would give him to me after 10 minutes, so I started picking Dr.A’s head. How many times did you apply vacuum? How many stitches am I having? Is it a 3rd degree or 4th degree tear? When will the pain stop? She told me she had applied vacuum 6 or 7 times, she had expected 4th degree tear because of the weight of the baby, the size of his head and the amount of time we pushed, but it is only 3rd degree, it was about 12 stitches, the thing that was prodding me in the rectal area is a hemorrhoid that had protruded out early that morning because of Nikki’s weight. DH came back within a few minutes, mom and DH did not come to my side at all during those 10 minutes, they were busy checking Nikki out. Nikki was 9 pounds(4.1 kgs) and 21.7 inches, he scored 7 in the 1st Apgar test and 9 in the 2nd. His weight was exactly as predicted by the ultrasound not even an ounce less or more. (7 ½ pounds at 36 weeks, at a rate of ½ pound a week, he should be 9 pounds by the end of 39th week).

He was brought to me wrapped up in warm clothes, he looked like an angel, I couldn’t believe he was mine. He was not looking like a typical newborn baby(tiny, closed eyes, wrinkly skin), he already looked like he was 3 months, skin was angelic (reminded me of roses instantly), eyes wide open and very alert, but tired from the ordeal. I felt for him, it should have been equally tough for him if not more, he had been crying inconsolably for the first 5 minutes. I still can remember his cry as soon as he came out, it was heart-wrenching. Here I am writing about what I endured and everything, he might have endured more pain than me and has no memory of it. He was a little trooper, he did not fail his amma, not once during the delivery did he give her worried moments with reducing heartbeat and the like.

I took him closer and the first thing that occurred to me was that he was DH’s clone(other than eyes) and he had my SIL’s eyes, no resemblance whatsoever to my side of the family. I was disappointed because I wanted him to have my eyes(brown). If not my eyes, at least DH’s, my sister’s, or his own unique eyes, not my SIL’s. I don’t know why I felt so then, now it sounds stupid to me. Anyways, after the customary opening of the milk shop (was not emotional about it at all, actually felt as though I was cheating him because there was nothing there), he was taken to the nursery. I was in no mood to enjoy him, neither did I bond with him instantly. Everything still felt surreal, I could not believe he was mine.

Labor is a different experience for every woman and her perceptions about it before and after it happens will also be different.

In the hindsight these are my perceptions

1. Labor pain is not so hell-like as shown in the movies, it is manageable, it was like very bad menstrual pain for me.

2. Pushing is not comparably(to labor I mean) easy, for me labor was easier and I even could have endured pushing if it was only for 2 hours, but 4 hours was H.E.L.L.

3. Epidural late during labor –helped me with pain only for 2-3 hours. I wonder if it delayed the dilation part and had I been mobile, probably my pushing time also would have reduced. Because of the epidural, catheter was used to remove urine and that gave me urinary infection.

4. If you know your baby is big, it is better to go in for an elective c-section, rather than attempting to have vaginal delivery. C-sect moms may disagree with me, I do not know the pain of c-section and the post-partum woes that come with it, but I know the pain of episiotomy stitches, urinary infection and hemorrhoids occurring together. I could not sit, pee or poop without pain & crying for 8 weeks. Had I known what post-partum had in store for me before, I probably would have opted for c-section. The weird pushing that I did for 1 hour did so much repair to my body, I could not stand straight/walk properly, sometimes I even had trouble breathing because my mid-back and spine hurt like they were going to break. Every cell in my body ached for close to 2 months, apart from having Tylenol every 4-6 hours, I took oxycontin when pain reached unbearable levels(I am a person who hates to take medicine, unless otherwise it is absolutely necessary). My legs swelled up so badly(19 hours of IV and lot of water take) and it took 2-3 weeks for my body to flush everything out. My other post-partum woes that had nothing to do with vaginal delivery: Boils in the armpits sometimes so big that I could not even move my hands(I still get them, I have to stop breastfeeding completely in order to get complete diagnosis & treatment), De Quervain’s syndrome(extreme wrist pain) got so worse that I could not even hold my plate while eating. (imagine having to hold a baby as big as Nikki for breastfeeding n times during the day, Nikki loved to cluster feed during the initial 2 months). I was so depressed(not clinical depression) during the initial 8 weeks, I would just cry, cry and cry because of the physical pain that I was enduring, I hated being sick and would be longing for the days when I can be my usual self. I did not even feel like talking to anyone, the moment the person asked me “how r u doing”, my eyes would start welling up and I will start sobbing over the phone. I was awash with self-pity. I sometimes felt I should not have had Nikki, babies are not for lesser mortals like me. DH did not know what to do, he would take care of feeding Nikki the expressed milk during nights and rock him to sleep. He sometimes would be annoyed with my constant whining and crying. My mum was my rock during those days, I don’t think we would have survived it all without her. I am ETERNALLY indebted to her for having been there by my side, in a foreign land braving the harsh north-east winter, consoling me, encouraging me, taking care of me, Nikki and the home. I really wished I had given birth to Nikki in India because I saw her undergo so many hardships, just for us. She would have had lot of help there, here she was doing everything all by herself in an unknown place with not-so-familiar American ways of bringing up the baby. Amma, I LOVE YOU, YOU ARE THE BESSSTTTTESSSSTTT.


So, that is our story. Nikki is the joy of our lives, he is worth much more than e..v.e.r.y. bit of ordeal I went through, if I had to relive everything allover again, I will try to do it in a more happy way, with less whining and crying.

PS: I have to mention this weird weird dream that I had about 10 days before delivering Nikki. I don’t know if it was intuition or premonition. I did not know what it meant then. In my dream, I opened up my tummy, took Nikki out and showed him to everyone. Everyone was going “uuuhhh”, “aaahhhh” over his looks, I was the only one who noticed that his head is weirdly oblong, it was like somebody had pulled his head from top and there was a very big bump (it was not standing out, it was more like the shape of his head itself was modified), I caressed him and put him back inside my tummy. He was almost similar to how I saw him in my dream, a bump and some bruises at the top of his head because of the vacuum usage, it was not so weirdly oblong though.

PPS: His eyes looked like SIL’s only for a couple of days. As soon as he lost the water weight couple of days after his birth, his eyes started looking bigger unlike the Chinese eyes of his aunt. He now is a complete clone of DH including eyes.

Birth story - Part II - Labor

Read Part I here...

We started from home by 3.15 AM and went to the hospital by 3:35 AM. I was feeling very uncomfortable, but no contractions yet. I don’t know if it was because of the loss of fluid, the car travel felt awful, I couldn’t sit and was feeling strong jabs even when Nikki was not moving and when he moved it was like a sharp-edged rock racing through my belly. Towards the end of the drive, pain symptoms started kicking in - menstrual pain like pain, mild enough to just make me wince every now & then.

DH took the car to the parking garage while my Mom & I walked up to the emergency admission, leaving trail of the fluid everywhere. I informed the front-desk lady and apologized to her, but she did not seem to care about it, probably they see it every other day. I was about to complete the forms, just when DH came in and took over. We finished and DH was wondering which way we should go (we had 2 tours of the hospital in our antenatal classes – the instructor had given step by step instructions for everything, elevator, floor, pre-registration, etc.), I was really angry with him that he did not remember anything from the classes. Earlier during the drive, I had to even tell him the exit he had to take for the hospital, this in spite of traveling to the hospital at least 10 –12 times before. I gave him a glare and started walking to the West elevator(5th floor). The intensity of the pain got a bit stronger(normal menstrual pain) as we waited for the antenatal evaluation. The nurse heard the heart beat, put me on NST and checked my cervix. They do this evaluation to make sure the woman is really in labor before admitting them to a labor suite. Since I was 3+ cms dilated and my water had broken already, I was given ok to proceed to the labor ward. Before that, the nurse started me on penicillin IV because I had tested +ve for Strep B in the tests taken during 36th week. I had De Quervain’s syndrome and already my wrists were paining like hell, I was asking the nurse if she can find a different place to stick the needle. She said wrist is the best place, tried my right one first and then settled for the left. I can still remember how the penicillin felt, like somebody was injecting acid through my veins. The nurse agreed to reduce the flow of penicillin telling me that she would increase it later, once my body gets used to it(?!).

Four labor suites were free at that time and I was happy there was one with Jacuzzi. After a few minutes of wait, around 4:30 AM we were ushered into the labor suite. I asked the nurse for the birthing ball and told her I will be using the tub as well. She gave me the birthing ball and proceeded to fill the tub with warm water. There was no pattern to the pain(5-1-1 was etched into my brain from my antenatal classes), it was like me having late periods – bad pain minus the bleeding. The nurse walked us through the labor suite explaining everything . I was in no mood to listen to her, when she was talking about the usage of the tub, I asked her if I can eat something, she gave me a strange look and said she will check with the doctor and let me know. I came out of the bathroom to the bed thinking I will try sleeping for some time. I just couldn’t get my eyes to close, I was all excited and extremely worried at the same time, so I just lay there thinking how things would enfold from then on. The nurse came and set up the fetal monitor and said she would monitor the baby for 10 – 15 minutes every 30 minutes, since I had lost lot of fluid. Just when Dr. A came in, did the internal exam and told me I am 4 cms dilated. She felt my belly and said that the baby was really big and we better get going with the dilation sooner than later. As though dilation was in my hands, like I could reach up to my cervix and just stretch it. She probably meant in a good way, I was getting irritated with everyone/everything. Anyways, I was happy that I moved from 3 to 4. Dr. A told she will be back in another 2 – 3 hours to check me again. She also told me I cannot eat anything other than ice chips and popsicles. By that time, I was in no mood to eat anything, I was feeling nauseous.

The pain intensity was picking up gradually, still there was no pattern. I was using the tub, birthing ball, heating pad, doing some squats, walking, everything on my own, mom started dozing off sitting in the chair, DH was munching cookies and talking to me. I brushed my teeth and that made me even more nauseous. I vomited(the first time in my entire pregnancy) the poori and potato masal dinner I had had the previous night around 8:30 PM. Close to 12 hours and it was not digested at all, I could see chunks of poori and masal?!!! My body was preparing itself for labor even before I knew it !!!! (when your body prepares for labor or when you are in labor, all the energy in the body will be channelised towards labor and other bodily functions will be ignored, that is why many people vomit or have a bout of diarrhea just before labor or during labor). Was feeling damn tired after the vomiting, so had some water and stretched myself on the bed for some rest. Badly needed some energy, so sent DH for getting popsicles from the fridge. [People who are not for unpleasant graphic details, please refrain from reading the rest of the paragraph]. I felt something prodding around my rectal area and was wondering whether I had pooped without even knowing it. Or have I dilated to 10 cms and this is an indication that I should start pushing? I did not feel the pressure yet, so what was it? Rushed to the bathroom and wiped to find nothing, but the urge to poop was there till I delivered. It was only after delivery I discovered what was causing it. I kept visiting the bathroom every now and then to make sure I don’t create a mess on the bed or elsewhere. Sheesh, that was one embarrassing thing that I never wanted to happen during labor.

When I was having the popsicles, around 8:30 AM, Dr.A made her second visit, checked me again and announced I was 7 – 8 cms dilated. The nurse spoke very highly of me to her, that I was on my own trying out different things without anybody’s help and that too without any crying/shouting/shrieking. (I actually went to the verge of crying many times, somehow did not, don’t know why, I am a person who cries very easily). Dr.A seemed happy with the progress, she patted me, told me I was a strong woman and she would come and check me again in a couple of hours. New nurse came in(shift change) and started me on a new dose of penicillin.

DH went down to the cafeteria to get breakfast for him and my mom. The pain was picking up, without any pattern still, so the nurse put me on NST again to check the contractions. The contractions were very random in the chart, I did not feel them like contractions, it was still like extremely bad menstruation pain for me. It was becoming unbearable, the pressure was building up because of the tummy weight and thighs started aching too. The fluid was leaking lightly all the while, it was colorless till then and it was slowly becoming brown.

DH came in and the smell of the breakfast made me very unbearably nauseous all over again. I asked him not to open it inside the room, but he proceeded to open it telling me he will be done in 5 minutes. I could not take it for one more second, got furious and shouted at him & mom to get out of the room and leave me alone. They went out, had the food and came back in 15 minutes. The pain was spreading to the back and was hurting the sciatic nerves. Went to the tub, some how felt very uncomfortable in it and came back to the bed, heating pads also did not work, pain sometimes made me breathless, but I was in no mood to try the breathing exercises. Dr.A came in around 10 AM, checked me again and told me I was 9 cms dilated. Boy! It was such a relief, I asked her if I can start pushing when I feel the urge, she asked me to wait until she checked me again. She encouraged me to take the epidural, but I refused. She said she will check me again in another 1 hour, if I was not completely dilated by then she would contemplate c-section because there was not much fluid left and what was leaking was brownish red. I was stressed, the pain was excruciating at times, I was not as mobile as I used to be a couple of hours earlier. I was feeling extremely tired, popsicles were not helping me and I was drinking so much of water. I was mumbling “I am not able to bear the pain” every now and then, the nurse was advising me to take the epidural, she said it will relax me and make things easier. I told her I haven’t reached my pain threshold yet, I would like to go natural as much as it is possible for me. The main reason why I wanted to avoid epidural was I wanted to be mobile till the end, “walking-epidural” was not available and I would hate it if I ended up with a c-section because of the epidural.

Dr.A came in again around 11 AM, I was hoping I can push, but she told me I am 9+ cms and we have to wait until it becomes 10 cms. (I wonder how people give birth without the help of doctors, nobody checks the dilation, they push when they feel the urge and out comes the baby). She also told me that she can feel the head of the baby and it is big. By that time, I was tired of hearing the word “BIG”. She once again asked me to go in for epidural because I looked so stressed out and without any diet I wouldn’t have any energy to push. “Epidural will help your pelvic muscles relax and help your baby’s descent, you are stressed and that is what is holding up the full dilation. Take epidural, have some rest and then you can push” – it sounded so tempting. I told her I would wait for another 30 mins to see if I dilate fully and then think about epidural. I was praying frantically and was trying to do some squats during the pain-free intervals. Was checked again at 11.45 AM, no progress. I was reaching my pain threshold and just couldn’t take it anymore. It would have been better if I was allowed to eat, food is a stress-reliever for me. I was bone tired and badly in want of rest, but I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to go for epidural. I asked DH and he was like if you want to, go ahead (I need not have asked him this question, I knew what the answer will be). Going for epidural when I was 9+ cms seemed ridiculous, it was completely against all the instructions given to us in the antenatal classes. But here is my doctor who is encouraging me to go for it and she knows my birth plan very well. Moving (squatting particularly) will help the baby maneuver the birth canal easily than me just lying down. With the epidural the only type of movement that I was allowed was turning sides. There came another contraction that made me absolutely breathless, which made me think about the 2-3 hours of pushing that lay ahead of me, I decided no way I can endure this pain for another 3 hours. Reluctantly I said yes for the epidural. Even now, I do not know if it was the right decision to make, at that time since I was not dilating further, I had to go with the doctor’s advice. The pain I think I could have taken for some more time.

Around 12 PM the anesthesiologist gave me the epidural and instructed me on how to adjust the flow in case the pain increased/decreased. Along with the epidural, they gave me some pitocin to help contractions come faster, so that I will dilate sooner. I was relieved of the pain in 20 minutes, but in half-an-hour, the joys of epidural started kicking in one by one. It started itching like crazy all over my body (side effect of epidural), my legs became numb and I had to get help from DH and nurse to even turn sides, they had the monitor tied to my belly all the time, the nurse was using the catheter to take the urine out of my bladder (all those popsicles, ice chips, water and saline from the IV). I HATED it. I was also started on the 3rd dose of penicillin. There was nothing that I learnt from the antenatal classes that I could try. All that I was doing was turning sides now and then and looking at my pattern of contractions and Nikki’s heartbeat. I started feeling cold, asked the nurse for couple of warm blankets and went to sleep for close to 45 mins.

Dr. A came in again at 2 PM, checked me, no progress. She was worried about the baby, she told me categorically that if I am not going to dilate within the next 1 hour, I will be in for c-section. I was devastated. It was taking me too long to dilate the last .5 cms. There was a nurse change at 2 PM (Ginni went and Michelle came in). I liked Michelle instantly. (Ginni also was good, she was a bit old and matter-of-the-fact-like). I told her I badly wanted to have a vaginal delivery, c-section was something that I was not prepared at all. She nodded to me pleasantly and told me she will do what she can. She looked at my contraction charts, they sometimes were 10 – 15 mins apart, sometimes only 1 min apart, completely random. She told me she is going to reduce and switch off the pitocin and let my body take care of the contractions. Increasing the pitocin dosage earlier had not helped with dilation. She asked me to relax increasing the epidural dosage a little bit. Till that time, I was not completely pain-free, I was adjusting my epidural so that pain was within my endurance limits.

It was 3 PM, Dr.A came in, checked me and “I WAS FULLY DILATED”. Switching off pitocin did the trick (I don’t know if increasing epidural dosage had anything to do with this). I would have kissed Michelle if I could have. At that point, I was completely pain-free, so they wanted me to come off the epidural so I can feel the pressure/pain to push.

Birth story – Part I – Build up of events leading to labor

Nikki (then Nandhan) was due on January 10 2007 (by 6th week ultrasound), actually it should have been January 7 according to my BBT chart. He was expected to arrive a little bit early because I had extremely bad PUPPS during the last 2 months of my pregnancy and his head had engaged 7 weeks before his due date. My bump was very heavy by 8 months itself.

We had an ultrasound at 36 weeks because I had gained only about 1.5 pounds between months 6 to 8 and the doctor was worried about the baby (I gained about 22 pounds in my whole pregnancy). It was found that the baby was indeed BIG, he was already 7 ½ pounds at 36 weeks. I had a suspicion that the baby would be big because my 1 hour glucose levels were high during the 1 hour GT, I had to go in for the 3 hour test which turned out to be normal. (Out of the 4 readings 3 were normal, again the 1 hour level was high). After doing the internal exam, doctor announced that my cervix feels soft and it has started ripening, which means my body is getting ready for labor.

I was happy thinking of the prospects of going into labor soon, at the same time worrying it should go well. It felt like somebody had tied a big rock to my tummy, almost everybody looking at me were asking me if I was already due. If I sat, it will land itself between my legs, turning sides during sleep was a pain, I had to hold my belly with hands, lift it along with my body in order to turn sides or to get up from sleep. 4 trips to the toilet every night, un-controllable itching/scratching, wrist pain so bad that I could not even hold the plate while eating, as much as I loved the baby, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to wait until 37 weeks and no more.

Well, the 37th week checkup gave some good news. I was 3 cms dilated!!! I came home elated, finished packing my half-packed hospital bag thinking I would be going into labor that night. We left for Kohls to do some last minute shopping for winter clothes for my mom. During the visit to the restroom there I lost my mucus plug, a very big thick brownish red mass of mucus. Rushed home immediately and called my OB/GYN to ask her if I have to come in. She asked me to come in only if I start having regular pains. I was walking, walking and walking and even thought of trying romantic ways of kick-starting labor but nothing seemed to work. Not even a slightest hint of any kind of pain. Other than the itching/scratching(which was well controlled by 37 weeks), extremely bad sciatica, carpal tunnel syndrome and feeling heavy, I was physically very much active. I was spotting little bit every now and then, raising my hopes whenever it happened. Everyday I would be dreaming of labor, how would it start for me? Will my water break first? Will I have slowly progressing pains for couple of days? Will I end-up having c-section because the baby is big? Will I have to go through induction? All kinds of possibilities that were discussed in the antenatal classes would run through my mind.

Came the 38th week checkup. I was probably 3.5 cms dilated (I don’t know how they come up with that .5 cm accuracy) was the finding. And I had gained 2 pounds in 1 week! Mom was stuffing me with all the goodies ever since she came from India (she came by the end of 36th week). I expressed my concern of the baby getting bigger(macrosomia) and the doctor was worried too. She sensed my impatience and told me she cannot and will not induce me before at least 39 weeks. She gave me the option of waiting until 40 weeks or starting me on pitocin at 39 weeks. I was so confused. I baddddddly wanted to go the natural way, without any interference other than epidural and that too only if I absolutely cannot bear the pain anymore. I scheduled the induction for January 2nd (39th week completes and 40th week starts) and came back from the doctor’s office in such a confused state of mind. I actually was not comfortable going for induction, I scheduled the appointment thinking I would cancel it after thinking about it for a few days. That was not a decision that can be made within those few minutes that we were at the doctor’s office.

The ensuing week was the most arduous time in the whole of my pregnancy. I was NOT AT ALL comfortable going in for induction, my ideal birth plan was to go the natural way, resorting to epidural itself was reserved to extremely excruciating pain. But the thoughts of a BIG baby maneuvering his way through the birth canal running the risk of shoulder dystocia, birth trauma causing head injuries, me running the risk of c-section, 4th degree tears, hemorrhage and all the other risks that come along with a big baby were weighing very heavily on my mind. DH and mom and left it to me to decide, “whatever you think you will be comfortable with”.

Every waking second, I was completely obsessed and possessed by thoughts of labor. What if I decide to go in for induction and the baby actually turns out to be smaller than predicted? I would regret pushing things on my own, when the baby could have easily gained weight inside his safe haven. Worst, I may end up going in for c-section for a small baby. Ultrasounds are only plus or minus 1 pound accurate. I had even heard about cases where the baby was measured at 9 pounds and the mommy decided to go in for c-section and finally the baby turning out to be 6 pounds. I would freak out thinking of both plus and minus cases. Going exactly by the ultrasound, the baby will be close to 10 pounds at 40 weeks (gaining 1/2 pound a week). Plus case would be a abnormally BIG baby, minus case would be a slightly bigger baby (around 8 pounds) and extremely minus case will be a small baby. Hmm. I was going mad. Something was telling me that the baby would be BIG. I don’t know if it was my eternally worrying mind which always worries about the worst case scenarios or if it was my high 1 hour glucose levels or just simply intuition. What difference will 1 week make to baby’s weight? Why don’t I wait until 40 weeks? The baby might gain probably ½ pound to 3/4th of a pound extra. I did not know then how much difference it will make during the pushing stage. Will induction help kick start labor naturally because I was already 3.5 cms dilated (which means my body is almost ready for labor)? I am thinking all this only because I have options, so why I don’t I wait until nature take it’s own course? But not when I can exercise my choice for the well being of my baby and me. I am such a P.O.O.R. decision maker, I cannot even decide on a restaurant for dinner. I being entrusted with such a significant decision involving 2 lives, how can I? I really felt so inadequate and pathetic.

Since everyone knew that Nikki might come a little early, I would get at least 3-4 calls everyday asking why we are still not at the hospital, not to mention the inquisitive aunties and complete strangers ranging from mail man to passers-by making their “know-it-all” comments. “Looks like the baby will pop out anytime”, “Your tummy is so low, you will deliver anytime”, “It is soooo BIGGG, are you having twins?”, “are you sure you are not having labor pains yet? Drink that kashaayam, false pains will fade off”, “You / your belly looks abc, so xyz will happen”. I hated going out and when I did go out for a walk, I avoided seeing faces. Going for shopping everyday was the only relief, it was therapeutic. Even there I would encounter people who enjoyed passing comments about me (my belly).

It was the New Year’s day in 2007, I and DH went for a walk to Burlington Mall (our walking trail during winter months). I was so disappointed that the baby did not come during December (my birth month, I share the month with both my siblings and a couple of friends). I was at least hoping he would come on January 1st by popular demand. Uhumm. This guy had his own plans we thought. Somehow 1 week passed and I had almost(80%, I doubt if I ever made any decision with 100% commitment) made up my mind to call off the appointment the next day morning, and wait for nature to take it’s own course. I was actually afraid to make such a momentous decision. After walking for about an hour, we decided to go home. We came home by 10 pm, exhausted I did not even feel like having my bedtime snack and went to sleep.

It was 3 AM, felt some pulling sensation, I was confused if it was the urge to pee or poop, whatever I thought and got down from bed. Just when my second leg landed on the floor and I stood straight, I felt something snap around my perineal area and a gush of water came down like somebody broke a pot full of water. I was so relieved, in fact elated, at last my water broke and I shouted at DH “get up get up let us rush to the hospital”. Amniotic fluid was pouring all the way (just 10 steps) from the bed until I reached the bathroom. It kept pouring and pouring while I changed and spoke to the doctor. It was such a huge relief when the doctor asked me get to the hospital. At last, FINALLY, after losing the mucus plug and walking around with 3 cm dilation for 2 weeks, just 6 hours before my scheduled induction, GODS opened their eyes and nature took charge.