Birth story - Part II - Labor

Read Part I here...

We started from home by 3.15 AM and went to the hospital by 3:35 AM. I was feeling very uncomfortable, but no contractions yet. I don’t know if it was because of the loss of fluid, the car travel felt awful, I couldn’t sit and was feeling strong jabs even when Nikki was not moving and when he moved it was like a sharp-edged rock racing through my belly. Towards the end of the drive, pain symptoms started kicking in - menstrual pain like pain, mild enough to just make me wince every now & then.

DH took the car to the parking garage while my Mom & I walked up to the emergency admission, leaving trail of the fluid everywhere. I informed the front-desk lady and apologized to her, but she did not seem to care about it, probably they see it every other day. I was about to complete the forms, just when DH came in and took over. We finished and DH was wondering which way we should go (we had 2 tours of the hospital in our antenatal classes – the instructor had given step by step instructions for everything, elevator, floor, pre-registration, etc.), I was really angry with him that he did not remember anything from the classes. Earlier during the drive, I had to even tell him the exit he had to take for the hospital, this in spite of traveling to the hospital at least 10 –12 times before. I gave him a glare and started walking to the West elevator(5th floor). The intensity of the pain got a bit stronger(normal menstrual pain) as we waited for the antenatal evaluation. The nurse heard the heart beat, put me on NST and checked my cervix. They do this evaluation to make sure the woman is really in labor before admitting them to a labor suite. Since I was 3+ cms dilated and my water had broken already, I was given ok to proceed to the labor ward. Before that, the nurse started me on penicillin IV because I had tested +ve for Strep B in the tests taken during 36th week. I had De Quervain’s syndrome and already my wrists were paining like hell, I was asking the nurse if she can find a different place to stick the needle. She said wrist is the best place, tried my right one first and then settled for the left. I can still remember how the penicillin felt, like somebody was injecting acid through my veins. The nurse agreed to reduce the flow of penicillin telling me that she would increase it later, once my body gets used to it(?!).

Four labor suites were free at that time and I was happy there was one with Jacuzzi. After a few minutes of wait, around 4:30 AM we were ushered into the labor suite. I asked the nurse for the birthing ball and told her I will be using the tub as well. She gave me the birthing ball and proceeded to fill the tub with warm water. There was no pattern to the pain(5-1-1 was etched into my brain from my antenatal classes), it was like me having late periods – bad pain minus the bleeding. The nurse walked us through the labor suite explaining everything . I was in no mood to listen to her, when she was talking about the usage of the tub, I asked her if I can eat something, she gave me a strange look and said she will check with the doctor and let me know. I came out of the bathroom to the bed thinking I will try sleeping for some time. I just couldn’t get my eyes to close, I was all excited and extremely worried at the same time, so I just lay there thinking how things would enfold from then on. The nurse came and set up the fetal monitor and said she would monitor the baby for 10 – 15 minutes every 30 minutes, since I had lost lot of fluid. Just when Dr. A came in, did the internal exam and told me I am 4 cms dilated. She felt my belly and said that the baby was really big and we better get going with the dilation sooner than later. As though dilation was in my hands, like I could reach up to my cervix and just stretch it. She probably meant in a good way, I was getting irritated with everyone/everything. Anyways, I was happy that I moved from 3 to 4. Dr. A told she will be back in another 2 – 3 hours to check me again. She also told me I cannot eat anything other than ice chips and popsicles. By that time, I was in no mood to eat anything, I was feeling nauseous.

The pain intensity was picking up gradually, still there was no pattern. I was using the tub, birthing ball, heating pad, doing some squats, walking, everything on my own, mom started dozing off sitting in the chair, DH was munching cookies and talking to me. I brushed my teeth and that made me even more nauseous. I vomited(the first time in my entire pregnancy) the poori and potato masal dinner I had had the previous night around 8:30 PM. Close to 12 hours and it was not digested at all, I could see chunks of poori and masal?!!! My body was preparing itself for labor even before I knew it !!!! (when your body prepares for labor or when you are in labor, all the energy in the body will be channelised towards labor and other bodily functions will be ignored, that is why many people vomit or have a bout of diarrhea just before labor or during labor). Was feeling damn tired after the vomiting, so had some water and stretched myself on the bed for some rest. Badly needed some energy, so sent DH for getting popsicles from the fridge. [People who are not for unpleasant graphic details, please refrain from reading the rest of the paragraph]. I felt something prodding around my rectal area and was wondering whether I had pooped without even knowing it. Or have I dilated to 10 cms and this is an indication that I should start pushing? I did not feel the pressure yet, so what was it? Rushed to the bathroom and wiped to find nothing, but the urge to poop was there till I delivered. It was only after delivery I discovered what was causing it. I kept visiting the bathroom every now and then to make sure I don’t create a mess on the bed or elsewhere. Sheesh, that was one embarrassing thing that I never wanted to happen during labor.

When I was having the popsicles, around 8:30 AM, Dr.A made her second visit, checked me again and announced I was 7 – 8 cms dilated. The nurse spoke very highly of me to her, that I was on my own trying out different things without anybody’s help and that too without any crying/shouting/shrieking. (I actually went to the verge of crying many times, somehow did not, don’t know why, I am a person who cries very easily). Dr.A seemed happy with the progress, she patted me, told me I was a strong woman and she would come and check me again in a couple of hours. New nurse came in(shift change) and started me on a new dose of penicillin.

DH went down to the cafeteria to get breakfast for him and my mom. The pain was picking up, without any pattern still, so the nurse put me on NST again to check the contractions. The contractions were very random in the chart, I did not feel them like contractions, it was still like extremely bad menstruation pain for me. It was becoming unbearable, the pressure was building up because of the tummy weight and thighs started aching too. The fluid was leaking lightly all the while, it was colorless till then and it was slowly becoming brown.

DH came in and the smell of the breakfast made me very unbearably nauseous all over again. I asked him not to open it inside the room, but he proceeded to open it telling me he will be done in 5 minutes. I could not take it for one more second, got furious and shouted at him & mom to get out of the room and leave me alone. They went out, had the food and came back in 15 minutes. The pain was spreading to the back and was hurting the sciatic nerves. Went to the tub, some how felt very uncomfortable in it and came back to the bed, heating pads also did not work, pain sometimes made me breathless, but I was in no mood to try the breathing exercises. Dr.A came in around 10 AM, checked me again and told me I was 9 cms dilated. Boy! It was such a relief, I asked her if I can start pushing when I feel the urge, she asked me to wait until she checked me again. She encouraged me to take the epidural, but I refused. She said she will check me again in another 1 hour, if I was not completely dilated by then she would contemplate c-section because there was not much fluid left and what was leaking was brownish red. I was stressed, the pain was excruciating at times, I was not as mobile as I used to be a couple of hours earlier. I was feeling extremely tired, popsicles were not helping me and I was drinking so much of water. I was mumbling “I am not able to bear the pain” every now and then, the nurse was advising me to take the epidural, she said it will relax me and make things easier. I told her I haven’t reached my pain threshold yet, I would like to go natural as much as it is possible for me. The main reason why I wanted to avoid epidural was I wanted to be mobile till the end, “walking-epidural” was not available and I would hate it if I ended up with a c-section because of the epidural.

Dr.A came in again around 11 AM, I was hoping I can push, but she told me I am 9+ cms and we have to wait until it becomes 10 cms. (I wonder how people give birth without the help of doctors, nobody checks the dilation, they push when they feel the urge and out comes the baby). She also told me that she can feel the head of the baby and it is big. By that time, I was tired of hearing the word “BIG”. She once again asked me to go in for epidural because I looked so stressed out and without any diet I wouldn’t have any energy to push. “Epidural will help your pelvic muscles relax and help your baby’s descent, you are stressed and that is what is holding up the full dilation. Take epidural, have some rest and then you can push” – it sounded so tempting. I told her I would wait for another 30 mins to see if I dilate fully and then think about epidural. I was praying frantically and was trying to do some squats during the pain-free intervals. Was checked again at 11.45 AM, no progress. I was reaching my pain threshold and just couldn’t take it anymore. It would have been better if I was allowed to eat, food is a stress-reliever for me. I was bone tired and badly in want of rest, but I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to go for epidural. I asked DH and he was like if you want to, go ahead (I need not have asked him this question, I knew what the answer will be). Going for epidural when I was 9+ cms seemed ridiculous, it was completely against all the instructions given to us in the antenatal classes. But here is my doctor who is encouraging me to go for it and she knows my birth plan very well. Moving (squatting particularly) will help the baby maneuver the birth canal easily than me just lying down. With the epidural the only type of movement that I was allowed was turning sides. There came another contraction that made me absolutely breathless, which made me think about the 2-3 hours of pushing that lay ahead of me, I decided no way I can endure this pain for another 3 hours. Reluctantly I said yes for the epidural. Even now, I do not know if it was the right decision to make, at that time since I was not dilating further, I had to go with the doctor’s advice. The pain I think I could have taken for some more time.

Around 12 PM the anesthesiologist gave me the epidural and instructed me on how to adjust the flow in case the pain increased/decreased. Along with the epidural, they gave me some pitocin to help contractions come faster, so that I will dilate sooner. I was relieved of the pain in 20 minutes, but in half-an-hour, the joys of epidural started kicking in one by one. It started itching like crazy all over my body (side effect of epidural), my legs became numb and I had to get help from DH and nurse to even turn sides, they had the monitor tied to my belly all the time, the nurse was using the catheter to take the urine out of my bladder (all those popsicles, ice chips, water and saline from the IV). I HATED it. I was also started on the 3rd dose of penicillin. There was nothing that I learnt from the antenatal classes that I could try. All that I was doing was turning sides now and then and looking at my pattern of contractions and Nikki’s heartbeat. I started feeling cold, asked the nurse for couple of warm blankets and went to sleep for close to 45 mins.

Dr. A came in again at 2 PM, checked me, no progress. She was worried about the baby, she told me categorically that if I am not going to dilate within the next 1 hour, I will be in for c-section. I was devastated. It was taking me too long to dilate the last .5 cms. There was a nurse change at 2 PM (Ginni went and Michelle came in). I liked Michelle instantly. (Ginni also was good, she was a bit old and matter-of-the-fact-like). I told her I badly wanted to have a vaginal delivery, c-section was something that I was not prepared at all. She nodded to me pleasantly and told me she will do what she can. She looked at my contraction charts, they sometimes were 10 – 15 mins apart, sometimes only 1 min apart, completely random. She told me she is going to reduce and switch off the pitocin and let my body take care of the contractions. Increasing the pitocin dosage earlier had not helped with dilation. She asked me to relax increasing the epidural dosage a little bit. Till that time, I was not completely pain-free, I was adjusting my epidural so that pain was within my endurance limits.

It was 3 PM, Dr.A came in, checked me and “I WAS FULLY DILATED”. Switching off pitocin did the trick (I don’t know if increasing epidural dosage had anything to do with this). I would have kissed Michelle if I could have. At that point, I was completely pain-free, so they wanted me to come off the epidural so I can feel the pressure/pain to push.

Quote that I loved...

Read it somewhere today.

"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings"

How true.

Thanksgiving weekend

We had a very nice Thanksgiving weekend with one of our close friends(S & S) coming in from New Jersey for the weekend. Their son V is 3 months elder than Nikki and this is the first time Nikki had an opportunity to spend time with somebody around his age for longer than 2-3 hours. All of us had a very good time, eating, talking and having fun with the kids. The first day, he did not seem to notice V at all and was interacting only with the elders. From the second day, he was going wherever V was going, wanting to play with the same toys that V was playing with, trying to pull his hair, poke his eyes, put fingers into his mouth, both of them talking to each other in their own language, it was real fun watching them interact.

Coming to what the elders did: eat good food, chat, shop and watch movies
Here is the menu on Thanksgiving:

Breakfast:
Idli, Onion Uthappam, coconut chutney, kaara chutney

Lunch:
Veg noodles (Chinese), Gobi-manchurian, Rice, Murungakka sambar, Avarakaai poriyal, Thakkali rasam, Curd rice, Potato fry and Mango milkshake.
(everything cooked from scratch other than the milkshake. I used store bought mango pulp to make it)

We watched Devar Magan(one of my all time favs) in the evening munching the murukkus made by my mom earlier that week.

Dinner:
Paav Bhaji and Idli uppuma (made from the leftover ones from the breakfast)

Other than that, the day was spent chatting, browsing online and checking the flyers for deals. I had zeroed in on a Corningware Bakeware set on sale at Macys for 19.99, some toys and some more kitchen stuff(chopper, handmixer etc.) and DH had lot of electronic items on his list.

Black Friday

The plan was that DH and Mr.S will head out early in the morning for LCD TVs and the like and I, Mrs.S and V will start around 7.30 AM after feeding our kids. I had informed DH to take the old car(his and not used frequently these days because he is taking public transport for work) and leave mine to me. He promptly forgot(I have a strong suspicion that he did it intentionally to stop me from shopping) and took the new one. The old car does not have the car seat base, so I was stranded home. From 8 AM, I called him up every 30 mins asking him to rush home, but he came home only around 12 PM. By the time we reached Macys it was 12.30 and since Corningware was a doorbuster, I did not get it. Bought a stainless steel set instead. Took a portrait with the 2 kids at the Picture People at the Mall. Shopped for winter clothes for Nikki at the Children’s place and picked some clothes for the adults at Eddie Bauer. Had lunch at the food court in the mall and headed to Kohls. Just when another friend P called us and said she would like to drop in to see us that evening because it had been long time since we met, I asked her to stay around for dinner. We were tired by the shopping anyway, so hurriedly bought some toys, some more dresses and reached home by 7 PM. Saturday was Mr.S’s birthday, we had planned to throw him a surprise Bday party, I & DH headed out for shopping again under the pretext of grocery shopping. Went to BJ’s, bought a cake, dresses for the S family, milk and fruits(we had to buy grocery). Came home by 8 PM, mom and Mrs.S had made Arisi-paruppu sadham(rice cooked with dhal and spices), I made some uthappams with coconut chutney. P left around 9.30 PM and then we all sat down on the floor in the living room chatting and opening up the purchases we made that day (I love this part more than the shopping experience itself). Every cell in my body was aching, but we were determined to stay up unitl 12 AM to celebrate S’s bday. We sent S to bed around 11 PM, got the cake from the car and took it to the attic, found the candles and had everything ready to go by 12 PM. S was really surprised and happy, he told us this is the first time ever he is blowing candles and cutting cake for his birthday. Wow! and it was us who made him do it! After having cakes and another little chat, all of us went to bed by 12.45 AM.

Woke up late on Saturday morning. Mom prepared semiya payasam and medhu vadai and I made rava kichadi(Uppuma made in biriyani style) for breakfast. That afternoon S threw his birthday party at a wonderful Punjabi restaurant at Cambridge, all of us had a sumptuous meal. Bhel puri, Bhindi masala and Tandoori roti were ultimate. Saturday evening was spent chatting. S family left for NJ early on Sunday morning. I & DH had our breakfasts earlier than usual on Sunday morning and joined Nikki for his early afternoon nap. Woke up refreshed after 2 hours, did some cleaning around the house and by evening Monday blues started kicking in. Do I really hate work that much?

This and That...

Not in the best of my moods now. USCIS is playing football with my vacation plans, I am FED UP of following up and trying to expedite my Advance parole. Am completely pissed off (I do not write these kind of words unless my spirits are at their nadir). I do not want to get started on this. Just poured my heart out in the immigration forums.


Was watching a talk show on Vijay TV (Neeya? Naana?) where the host picks a debatable topic and moderates the arguments between the 2 sides. Yesterday, the topic was marriage and the relevance of the customs(thaali, kanchivaram pattu, caste etc.) to the younger and elder generations. I do not want to go into details.

Good:
When the host posed a question to the elder generation about the relevance of caste in marriages, most of them said they would accept if their son/daughter chose someone from a different caste if they think the choice is good.


Bad:
There was a young woman who said she does not believe in Thaali(mangal sutra), she sees it as a metal, but she would wear it if her in-laws insisted on she wearing it. When the host asked the elders on the show if any of them would consider this girl as their daughter-in-law, NO ONE, not even one RAISED THEIR HANDS. I was flabbergasted. I thought the staunch belief in Thaali was gone with my generation. I wear it only when I feel like it, no strict rules. I see many of my friends who wear it only during festivals or when their in-laws visit them. The girl who spoke out against it is still in college.

WORRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTT:
When the relevance of caste in marriage was posed to the younger generation, all but 2 said they will not choose a partner from different caste. The reason one girl told was "she wants to be accepted by her parents and all her relatives and do not want to hurt them" - fair enough. The reason the 2nd girl told was unbelieavable. I mean outright disgusting. Here is what she said : " I feel proud and superior of the caste that I am born into. I am a brahmin and an Iyengar at that. I feel I have done lot of punniyam(good deeds & hence good karma) in my past life, that is why I am blessed to be born as an Iyengar in this life. I will choose only an Iyengar groom." I cannot believe this.

What is culture

I first wrote this as a comment in Ammani's post, but liked it so much after reading that I am posting it here also:

Culture is what is injected inside you from birth, practised for years by the community you were born into (and/or the community you grow up in, if both are different), more or less shapes your approach to everything you do(what & how) in life, without you consciously realizing it.

What you eat, how you dress, how you react to death(oppari,just crying, silence), how you greet people(folded hands, shake hands, rub noses), how you treat children/elders, how much importance you give to time, what you gift on specific occasions & how u gift it(writing in a specific color of pen is bad omen to Chinese - don't remember what), your attitude towards work, how you marry, expectations in married life, what you celebrate or don't, how you bury the dead, how you remember them... I can go on and on and on. In general, what a community considers good/bad ...

I attended a workshop on cross-cultural awareness sponsored by my company when I first traveled to US(about 4 years back). I wish I had kept the material that they distributed then. It was very interesting. The guy (actually old uncle - see I am calling him uncle it is my culture :) ) was well traveled and had lived abroad for more than 25 years. He classified world culture into 3 types: Active (american, most of european), Reactive(south east, India, few european - italy, spain) and I forgot the name of the 3rd one, that is practised in Japan and some of mid-east, it was the best. I was amazed about a lot of things he said. That Indians, Italians and Spaniards have lot in common(punctuality rather lack of it, siesta,work ethics, etc.). The importance Japanese give to elders, family, work(working 16 hrs a day is not really hardwork), country(patriotism is part of their culture), how they react to shame(suicide for this is common), meeting room etiquettes(hardly anybody speaks much in the open) etc... I forgot lot of stuff. The impression it left in my mind is :there is good and bad in every culture, Japanese(hope I remember the term, i am breaking my head) is best, no matter the culture you were born into or brought up in, it is important to know the culture of the place you are living in or traveling to, so you don't feel out of place/awkward in public situations and most importantly, DON'T INADVERTENTLY CAUSE HURT TO THEIR VALUES/SENTIMENTS.

A lot of us have adopted some good values from the active(American) culture, we are already a cross-culture breed, our children will be more, it is actually good because they are going to travel more than us.

Migration and Cultural assimilation – my thoughts

This is in response to DotMom’s post that triggered these posts from Poppin’s mom and Tharini.
(DotMom traces it back to Sujatha’s post that discussed Shobha Narayan’s journey back to the motherland).

Cultural assimilation is a very complex multi-layered thing. I don’t think there is a definite black and white picture, not even grey, it is a canvas with lots of hues, sunset is what comes to my mind when I think of this potpourri of cultures.

I for one is a Telegu-tamilian but never felt that hyphen troubling because I never had any questions about my identity. I see myself as a Tamil who knows to speak the fractured telegu spoken in our family/community. As far as traditions, festivals, rituals go, we follow what is followed in our community, it is not radically different from what others follow. We have some extra / different rituals and festivals, the difference is something that you can find between 2 different castes( or sub-sects within the same caste) of tamil origin, I don’t think the difference is solely because of our telegu origin. I have visited Andhra only twice in my life time and that was for our 2 Tirupathi visits. Our ancestors migrated from Andhra to Coimbatore at least 400 years ago, when Mughals came conquering the South and were plundering wealth and abducting women all their way. There is a wonderful wonderful book written by Ki.Rajanarayanan - Gopalla gramam (Village of Gopalla) that tells our story. I think it won Sahithya Academy award. It is one of my all time favorites, not only because it is our story, but also because it so vividly captures the story of a migrated generation from the eyes of a Octogenarian grandmother who saw it all.

I was a Tamil fanatic during my school and college days (the zeal is less now) to an extent that I used to idolize Prabhakaran and had a soft corner for the Tamil eelam cause. None of my family(to at least great-grandfather level if not much more) can identify Telegu from Urdu. I can identify Telegu alphabets (not to say this is “ka” that is “cha”, only to say this looks like telegu), thanks for the 2 years that I lived and worked in Bangalore. I used to lived in a Paying Guest accommodation and there were some native Kannadigas & Andhrites who l became friends with. I learnt to speak some Kannada, even attempted to learn alphabets, became familiar with names of Kannada heroes, which lot of Kannadigas found surprisingly different. Though I hated the sweet sambars, ubiquitous peanuts and kind of sweet heavy cuisine, I loved and learnt recipes for Bisibelabhath, vangibhath, peanut chutney and akki roti. (Ragi mudhdhe & obbattu are not alien to me, my grandmother makes them so well).

I don’t identify myself with telegu speaking people from Andhra, but we celebrate “Ugadi” (as well as “Chithirai kani”). When I was younger when somebody asked what my mother tongue was, I would say “Telegu”, because that is what I was taught at home. I grew up watching Tamil movies, reading Tamil books, having Tamil friends (there were few friends from different backgrounds, but Tamil was the common thread between all of us), tamil surroundings, tamil everything that, when I was 14 or 15 I started thinking tamil as my mother tongue. Even though I identify myself as Tamil, I have no qualms associating myself with my community and have a very good sense of belonging. I feel proud about my roots without feeling superior or inferior about others. That I think is what I want to inculcate in Nikki too.

When I tell my mother, I am tamil, she will give me a questioning look, but she has learnt to accept it. We don’t even speak in telegu in our family, Telegu now is reserved to elders and to other relatives who prefer to talk to us in Telegu. I and DH have never spoken a word in Telegu between us. I am a little sad that Nikki will not learn Telegu from us, but he will know a few words here and there because the grandparents, aunts & uncles converse with him in Telegu. I am sure he will talk Tamil, planning to teach him to read & write it as well. I want him to be able to read tamil books and appreciate them. Especially the ones that I love.

Have our parents failed in preserving our roots? Does it mean our grandparents, great grandparents, their ancestors failed to inculcate the telegu culture in us? I don’t think so. We are nth generation, the dilution (of the local with the ancestral) process happened very gradually with every passing generation, there was a little some thing that was lost, without anyone consciously realizing it. Even if someone realized it, it did not matter to them then because it would have been something negligible and they would have probably blamed “generation gap” for it. As long as the changes are subtle and are at a acceptable level to parents, there is no need to fret about anything.

Now I know I cannot extend this to a cultural disparity that is as wide as is between India and the US. I have been here only 3+ years but I think I have assimilated more than those who have lived here for 10 years. We celebrate Halloween & Thanksgiving understanding it's spirit fully. Thanksgiving is exactly similar to Pongal that we celebrate back in India, thanking Gods for the bountiful harvest. Our Thanksgiving feast did not have a Turkey though, we had a store bought chicken on our table. I am planning to throw a vegetarian Thanks giving feast this year, adapting it to my style of living (I am a vegetarian, but cook non-veg for DH's sake, this year I don't feel like making non-veg). I have not chosen to celebrate July 4th and Christmas as they don't mean anything to me yet(other than vacation time & shopping deals). As Nikki grows and has American friends, I will start celebrating them too, because it is his country and I do not want him to feel alienated here. He is an American by birth and if he grows up here I will let him be an American, but one with Indian roots. American to the extent that it does not conflict with the ethics and values of our family. I don’t subscribe to the general desi view point that Indian culture is better than US. And I don’t see anything that is so wrong with the American culture. What am I worried about? Drinking, dating? Do you think it is not happening in India now? I wouldn’t mind having non-indian grandchildren (I cannot escape this possibility even if he is brought up in India, I am sure he will go abroad for studies or to work, or people might migrate to India for better prospects).

There are so many Indians here that I see who do not even know the Governor of the state (Thank God they know Bush is their President), name of their City Mayor, know nothing about their local baseball teams, take no interest at all in watching the local news, but religiously watch Sun TV news everyday, read Indian news portals and keep themselves abreast about the gossip columns better than Indians living in India. I don’t see anything wrong in the latter part, but being completely oblivious to the society that you are living in gets me. Recently Red Sox (our baseball team) won the World series for the 2nd time in 5 years and celebration was in the air wherever you went, I could not but help feel happy & proud. I bought a Red Sox tee for Nikki, when most desi moms around me think Red Sox as red coloured socks. Actually it is not just the moms, even the guys are like that, people will be surprised when something like this comes up in a conversation : listening to NPR, pumpkin painting for Halloween, contribution to local charities(St.Jude’s hospital), blah blah blah. And these are guys who have been here for the past 7 – 8 years and well on their way to become citizens.

As things stand now, US is a better country in terms of education, opportunities and I think the American dream is still very much possible. I.e. With sheer hard work you can go from rags to riches. I know it is not so easy in India. I did not want to deny it to Nikki when I had a chance to offer that to him on a platter. All of us strive to give what we think is the best to our children.

Now, I want to view US-India cultural assimilation from two perspectives:

1. From Anitha's view point - who was 25 years, educated, employed, married, had a fully developed personality with her own thoughts, opinions, dreams, likes and dislikes when she landed in the US of A.

2. From Nikki’s view point – who was born here, will be brought up here for quite some time and probably may end up living here as well.

(DH is exactly similar to Shobha's husband, given a chance he would like to live here, at least Shobha's husband was close to his parents and that was one reason that tilted him towards to India, DH is not close to his family, so that is ruled out. The only thing that MIGHT make him come to India is me leaving him and going back to India :-))

Scenario 1 – We going back to India when Nikki is 6 or 7:

I am thinking 6-7 years is when children start developing strong personalities, uprooting him after that will make the transition tough for him is what I feel.

Anitha’s view: I will be HOME and can see my family when I want to. Do whatever I am dreaming of : organic farming, open a restaurant that serves Coimbatore cuisine, pursue my masters in literature, do some NGO work, open a Montessori school, archeology, the list is endless. I have always dreamt of my life in India and no where else. I am too old to change my dreams. There are lot of other things too, living close to my sis & hence my niece V( I luvvvvv her like my own daughter), Nikki developing strong ties with his extended family, etc.

Nikki’s view: Nikki will have some tough time initially during transitioning, but I guess he will quickly grow over it. When he becomes 18, he will have the option to choose the country he wants to be a citizen of. If he chooses US because he thinks he has a better future there, he is absolutely free of all the immigration hassles (hassle is not the word) that we are going through now. If he chooses India, let it be. It is his life and I will be happy for him.

Scenario 2 – Nikki growing up here and I going back to India when he starts college:

Anitha’s view: There are so many things that I like in the US.(read Shobha’s pros), there are some things that I don’t like, but there are so many things that I like and don’t like in India as well. But I think what is more important is the feeling of being at home. I don’t feel I belong here YET. I don’t understand lot of their jokes, don’t feel comfortable in a mostly American gathering, don’t understand lot of anecdotes that they quote from their past, but I find them incredibly friendly and polite and when I ask questions they enjoy explaining the context of the joke. It is still an on-going journey for me, I learn something new everyday. I would enjoy living here for some more time, but no doubt in the long term, it is going to be tough on me. Not a single day passes without me feeling home sick / nostalgic, but I think it is mainly because it is 3+ years since I went to India.

Nikki’s view:
I would like Nikki to get best of the both. I don’t think he will have a problem assimilating himself here. Getting Indian-ness into him will also not be a big deal because that is how we are at home. I cook Indian meals, wear Indian dresses, celebrate Indian festivals, talk Indian language, and socialize with lot of Indians. He will grow up understanding that he is an American but his roots are in India, he has some things in common with his American friends, he has also a few things that are unique to his culture. It is not a tough thing to do. I am sure a lot of his American friends will also be sailing the same boat. There are very few American-Americans, almost every other person is a Some-American, an Indian-American, Chinese-American, African-American, Hispanic-American, Irish-American, I can go on and on and on. It is the land of immigrants, almost every other kid will have something that is unique to their culture, that they practise at their home.

I am an Indian, DH calls himself a global citizen (he would live in any country where he thinks life is better), Nikki should grow up and decide what he wants to be. It need not always be one or the other it can be a mixture of many cultures as long as it does not cause pain to himself or others around him. I am sure I can bring him up as a sensible man who knows to respect basic human ethics.

I don’t know if I would start thinking about myself as a global citizen 10 – 15 years from now. I have surprised myself many a times in my life. A rebellious teenager who thought love is just hormonal gush and marriage as a license to sex to a twenty-something who fell in love and got married, change is the only constant thing that is happening with me, I keep evolving. As of now, I can plan for only next 4-5 years of my life and that will be here in the US.

World is becoming smaller and smaller and smaller that, I think in a century or less, books and movies will be the only place that will be the culture keepers, while the whole world would have adopted kind of a universal culture with subtle differences to suit their countries. Do you know the feeling you get when you read historic novels (Ponniyin Selvan & the like) or black & white movies?

Till then, "Thirisangu lokam" will be the one word that will describe our lives. Neither here, nor there, somewhere in between as long as you can make peace with yourself (not our children’s, they will be clear, it is we who uprooted ourselves from our homes after we became adults). Whether it is a decision to go back to your homeland or to live in the migrated land, as long as you are comfortable with your decision and not confused, you should be good. How this decision plays into one’s life in another 25 years, only time will tell. Till then, I hope we keep this our little community going, so we can come back and start another thread on this topic.

Birth story – Part I – Build up of events leading to labor

Nikki (then Nandhan) was due on January 10 2007 (by 6th week ultrasound), actually it should have been January 7 according to my BBT chart. He was expected to arrive a little bit early because I had extremely bad PUPPS during the last 2 months of my pregnancy and his head had engaged 7 weeks before his due date. My bump was very heavy by 8 months itself.

We had an ultrasound at 36 weeks because I had gained only about 1.5 pounds between months 6 to 8 and the doctor was worried about the baby (I gained about 22 pounds in my whole pregnancy). It was found that the baby was indeed BIG, he was already 7 ½ pounds at 36 weeks. I had a suspicion that the baby would be big because my 1 hour glucose levels were high during the 1 hour GT, I had to go in for the 3 hour test which turned out to be normal. (Out of the 4 readings 3 were normal, again the 1 hour level was high). After doing the internal exam, doctor announced that my cervix feels soft and it has started ripening, which means my body is getting ready for labor.

I was happy thinking of the prospects of going into labor soon, at the same time worrying it should go well. It felt like somebody had tied a big rock to my tummy, almost everybody looking at me were asking me if I was already due. If I sat, it will land itself between my legs, turning sides during sleep was a pain, I had to hold my belly with hands, lift it along with my body in order to turn sides or to get up from sleep. 4 trips to the toilet every night, un-controllable itching/scratching, wrist pain so bad that I could not even hold the plate while eating, as much as I loved the baby, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to wait until 37 weeks and no more.

Well, the 37th week checkup gave some good news. I was 3 cms dilated!!! I came home elated, finished packing my half-packed hospital bag thinking I would be going into labor that night. We left for Kohls to do some last minute shopping for winter clothes for my mom. During the visit to the restroom there I lost my mucus plug, a very big thick brownish red mass of mucus. Rushed home immediately and called my OB/GYN to ask her if I have to come in. She asked me to come in only if I start having regular pains. I was walking, walking and walking and even thought of trying romantic ways of kick-starting labor but nothing seemed to work. Not even a slightest hint of any kind of pain. Other than the itching/scratching(which was well controlled by 37 weeks), extremely bad sciatica, carpal tunnel syndrome and feeling heavy, I was physically very much active. I was spotting little bit every now and then, raising my hopes whenever it happened. Everyday I would be dreaming of labor, how would it start for me? Will my water break first? Will I have slowly progressing pains for couple of days? Will I end-up having c-section because the baby is big? Will I have to go through induction? All kinds of possibilities that were discussed in the antenatal classes would run through my mind.

Came the 38th week checkup. I was probably 3.5 cms dilated (I don’t know how they come up with that .5 cm accuracy) was the finding. And I had gained 2 pounds in 1 week! Mom was stuffing me with all the goodies ever since she came from India (she came by the end of 36th week). I expressed my concern of the baby getting bigger(macrosomia) and the doctor was worried too. She sensed my impatience and told me she cannot and will not induce me before at least 39 weeks. She gave me the option of waiting until 40 weeks or starting me on pitocin at 39 weeks. I was so confused. I baddddddly wanted to go the natural way, without any interference other than epidural and that too only if I absolutely cannot bear the pain anymore. I scheduled the induction for January 2nd (39th week completes and 40th week starts) and came back from the doctor’s office in such a confused state of mind. I actually was not comfortable going for induction, I scheduled the appointment thinking I would cancel it after thinking about it for a few days. That was not a decision that can be made within those few minutes that we were at the doctor’s office.

The ensuing week was the most arduous time in the whole of my pregnancy. I was NOT AT ALL comfortable going in for induction, my ideal birth plan was to go the natural way, resorting to epidural itself was reserved to extremely excruciating pain. But the thoughts of a BIG baby maneuvering his way through the birth canal running the risk of shoulder dystocia, birth trauma causing head injuries, me running the risk of c-section, 4th degree tears, hemorrhage and all the other risks that come along with a big baby were weighing very heavily on my mind. DH and mom and left it to me to decide, “whatever you think you will be comfortable with”.

Every waking second, I was completely obsessed and possessed by thoughts of labor. What if I decide to go in for induction and the baby actually turns out to be smaller than predicted? I would regret pushing things on my own, when the baby could have easily gained weight inside his safe haven. Worst, I may end up going in for c-section for a small baby. Ultrasounds are only plus or minus 1 pound accurate. I had even heard about cases where the baby was measured at 9 pounds and the mommy decided to go in for c-section and finally the baby turning out to be 6 pounds. I would freak out thinking of both plus and minus cases. Going exactly by the ultrasound, the baby will be close to 10 pounds at 40 weeks (gaining 1/2 pound a week). Plus case would be a abnormally BIG baby, minus case would be a slightly bigger baby (around 8 pounds) and extremely minus case will be a small baby. Hmm. I was going mad. Something was telling me that the baby would be BIG. I don’t know if it was my eternally worrying mind which always worries about the worst case scenarios or if it was my high 1 hour glucose levels or just simply intuition. What difference will 1 week make to baby’s weight? Why don’t I wait until 40 weeks? The baby might gain probably ½ pound to 3/4th of a pound extra. I did not know then how much difference it will make during the pushing stage. Will induction help kick start labor naturally because I was already 3.5 cms dilated (which means my body is almost ready for labor)? I am thinking all this only because I have options, so why I don’t I wait until nature take it’s own course? But not when I can exercise my choice for the well being of my baby and me. I am such a P.O.O.R. decision maker, I cannot even decide on a restaurant for dinner. I being entrusted with such a significant decision involving 2 lives, how can I? I really felt so inadequate and pathetic.

Since everyone knew that Nikki might come a little early, I would get at least 3-4 calls everyday asking why we are still not at the hospital, not to mention the inquisitive aunties and complete strangers ranging from mail man to passers-by making their “know-it-all” comments. “Looks like the baby will pop out anytime”, “Your tummy is so low, you will deliver anytime”, “It is soooo BIGGG, are you having twins?”, “are you sure you are not having labor pains yet? Drink that kashaayam, false pains will fade off”, “You / your belly looks abc, so xyz will happen”. I hated going out and when I did go out for a walk, I avoided seeing faces. Going for shopping everyday was the only relief, it was therapeutic. Even there I would encounter people who enjoyed passing comments about me (my belly).

It was the New Year’s day in 2007, I and DH went for a walk to Burlington Mall (our walking trail during winter months). I was so disappointed that the baby did not come during December (my birth month, I share the month with both my siblings and a couple of friends). I was at least hoping he would come on January 1st by popular demand. Uhumm. This guy had his own plans we thought. Somehow 1 week passed and I had almost(80%, I doubt if I ever made any decision with 100% commitment) made up my mind to call off the appointment the next day morning, and wait for nature to take it’s own course. I was actually afraid to make such a momentous decision. After walking for about an hour, we decided to go home. We came home by 10 pm, exhausted I did not even feel like having my bedtime snack and went to sleep.

It was 3 AM, felt some pulling sensation, I was confused if it was the urge to pee or poop, whatever I thought and got down from bed. Just when my second leg landed on the floor and I stood straight, I felt something snap around my perineal area and a gush of water came down like somebody broke a pot full of water. I was so relieved, in fact elated, at last my water broke and I shouted at DH “get up get up let us rush to the hospital”. Amniotic fluid was pouring all the way (just 10 steps) from the bed until I reached the bathroom. It kept pouring and pouring while I changed and spoke to the doctor. It was such a huge relief when the doctor asked me get to the hospital. At last, FINALLY, after losing the mucus plug and walking around with 3 cm dilation for 2 weeks, just 6 hours before my scheduled induction, GODS opened their eyes and nature took charge.

Nikki at 10 months

Nikki has grown leaps and bounds in the past 2 months. Not in terms of height/weight, but in terms of his development. The only physical growth happening with Nikki is his hair growth, he has lots of bouncy, silky, soft hair. Paati and Amma are more than happy to dress up his hair in pig tails everyday. I tried my hand at plaiting once too. [Itching to post pictures, DH not relenting yet.]

He was manageably mobile until about last month, he used to roll around and swim to reach for things. He has learnt to crawl on all fours, something I thought he would never do, because he was such a lazy ass. He can very easily pull himself up to a stand, and walk by himself holding onto the sectional in the living room. Sometimes he would just cruise with one hand on the sofa. He would never sit on his bottoms, will be mostly on his knees(vajrasana). He can climb up the stairs on his own, it happened about 10 days back. I was sitting on the stairs leading upto attic from the living room and he was trying to come to me, I thought he would just pull himself up to a stand holding onto the steps. He started climbing as though he has been doing it for years. He took 3 steps and started looking back for security, just when Paati came behind him. He climbed all the 15 steps on his own with Paati just escorting him from the behind.

He continues to babble, babble and babble non-stop. He used to call me “andha”, the past couple of weeks he calls me “annththa”, that is very close to Anitha, almost there. My heart just swells with pride whenever he calls me like this, the first couple of times I had tears. Paati is called “ambaa” or “imbaa”. Dad is called out for in loud shrieks of “yayy…”. Sometimes “dei” too. Oft repeated words: “amma”, “drriinttrraaa”, “dhinthaa”, “boommbbaa”, “thathaatha”, “tirrra”. As usual, when he is frustrated, he will go “yayyaayayaaaaa” and “ammammamamama”.

He will start saying and waving “tata” on his own without any initiation when he thinks that we are going out/ he is being taken out. This does not happen always though. And you cannot make him say/wave “tata” by force. For that matter, you cannot force him to do anything, cannot shove down an extra spoon of cereal, not an extra sip of formula, wont wave bye on demand, wont say antha on demand. The way he babbles will be almost like talking, replete with animated expressions, raising/lowering of voice and arm movements. Half the time, he does not talk/babble softly, he will be yelling at the top of his voice, you can see veins on his temples protruding out. None of us shout or scream like the way he does, don’t know where he learnt it, probably gets it from his gene pool (you know where). If you have seen the movie Baasha, imagine Rajini saying “oru thadavai sonna 100 thadavai sonna mathiri” spinning index fingers of both hands. He would keep doing that raising his voice with every “aaiii”,” yeeyyy”, any attempt to make a conversation with him during those times will be met with more yelling. He will be standing his legs well parted like a warrior ready for a sword fight, wagging his fingers and hands up & down, frowning his eyebrows, yelling at the top of his voice while tightening his face muscles and stiffening his whole body, as though he wants to scare the hell out of us. It is so much fun to watch. If we try to raise our voice more than his, he would stamp down his feet with a big thud and will raise his voice more. I will stop, fearing he will hurt his throat. Going by all this, I am not sure what future holds out for him: 1) “Nattamai” (the village chief seen in Tamil movies, pronouncing final verdicts on unsuspecting citizens), 2) speaker in one of the tamil talk shows (mainly pattimandrams), 3) if he gets to learn some civility probably he can become a lawyer.

He drools, drools and drools non-stop. I don’t know where he manufactures all that drool, his liquid intake is nowhere near his drool output. The white beds for the teeth can be seen clearly and the gums feel hard, guess he will sprout teeth in couple of weeks. You know what, the BESTest thing that happened in the past 2 months, he kissing sometimes on demand, but mostly I will be caught unawares. Amma was the only soul for whom this BESTest treat was reserved, recently paati was added to the list. Daddy has not been blessed yet, he should spend more time with him. It is not just a wet sloppy kiss, he will say “uvvvvaa” while planting his kiss and then look at you and smile while pulling your hair in all directions. If your day was blessed, when you ask him “umma kudu”, His Highness will readily oblige, melting and taking you to heaven instantly.

These days it is such a pain dressing him up after a bath. The moment you seal his diapers and reach for his shirt, he will promptly pull his diaper open and will give you a broad smile, so instead of feeling like shouting at him, you will start cuddling him. And you will spend 20 minutes dressing him up.

And he can clap, started about a week back, not on demand again. Been teaching him body parts, no luck yet I think. He sometimes pokes my eyes sometime after I say “kannu”, so not sure if he knows them. There is so much going on, I don’t think any amount of words can do justice to what is happening in our lives. He can stand on his own for about 30 seconds, the scared look on his face when he does it is absolutely priceless. I want to write more, but this has been in my drafts for nearly 10 days now, the longer it sits there, the lengthier it is going to become. So I am stopping here, anything interesting will be published as a new post.

I love you da my chella kutti, more than anything in this world. As I write this, you are sleeping with your Daddy. You are being virtually hugged, kissed and bitten by me. Sometimes I feel like running you through the blender, gulp down every drop of your juice and have you recreated in my womb, just for myself. I don’t want to share you with anyone. UMMMA.

News...

Really bad news: Looks like our India trip might get postponed anywhere between couple of weeks to couple of months due to many unforeseen reasons. ** sob ** ** sob**.

Bad news: We are down to the 3rd from the 5th percentile for his weight.

Good news: Ped says "she is not unhappy with his growth". Despite the drop in the percentile, he has gained weight(few ounces). His height is still hovering around 50-60 th percentile. Stool test results so far are good, there is one more blood work she wants to have done to rule out malabsorption. Slow weight gain is attributed to his activeness (the rolling paper on the exam table was completely crumpled up by the time we left), genes and allergy.

First Halloween...

Pumpkin costume was bought 2 weeks back, cute portraits were taken at Picture People, chocolates were stocked 1 week before, on the D-day Amma finished work early, Daddy came home early, but there was NO trick/treat. It turned out to be a big bummer. I was cursing our condo community so much yesterday and blaming ourselves on the choice for our new home.

This is our first home, we bought it only 3 months back and are pretty new to the community. We know only 2 couples (thanks to my mother who is willing to even talk to the dogs, cats, birds, trees when both of us leave for work). I thought it was because of the as-usual-us who never in our 5 years of living together have ever been neighborhood friendly. Previously we used to live in apartments, so we would definitely bump into people when walking down the corridor, at the laundry, in the elevator, in the parking lot and in the other common areas. In spite of all this, I used to know about 3 families in that apartment, and only after my mother came down to our home for the 1st time(we were in apartment then) did we start making more friends(?!). We did not even know there was an Indian family living right across from ours. So much for our neighborhood networking skills.

Now here at the new place, there is no such thing as a common area. You have to either knock somebody’s door to strike a conversation or should wait on the porch for someone to walk by with their dogs/cats in tow. Not my type at all. I was looking forward to Halloween, partly due to the networking opportunities it presents, strangers can knock your door and you can go knocking stranger’s doors. (Now this is the NEW me post-Nikki, looking forward to networking, rather schmoozing I should say. It is not that we are non-friendly creatures, but we are always hard-pressed for time, week days go by in a haze and we hang out with non-neighbor friends during most weekends, and some weekends we keep it for ourselves). I & DH cannot afford to be like this anymore. We have to get friendly with our neighbors at least for Nikki’s sake, so he will get playmates and develop some social skills. I was waiting for the first person to knock the door, so we can set out going knocking others. Nobody, not even ONE SINGLE SOUL turned up. Probably they were scared away by my pumpkin painting that was placed on the porch.

I saw Halloween decorations in front of many of the houses and thought there will be celebrations. Heck, I have seen at least about 3-4 kids when I went for a walk once with Nikki around the condo. Where were they? In my 3+ years of being in the US, I haven’t seen a Halloween pass by so uneventful. I bought a big pumpkin a month ago, spent 2 hours painting it, got a few more decorations for the porch not heeding(when did I?) to DH’s protests, all in vain. I had hopes until 7.30 PM and started ranting after that. DH was happy that he can eat all the chocolates, he did not go trick/treating with Nikki in spite of me prodding him so much to take the first step. I will email the Condo association asking if there are so many heart patients in the condo, that they decided to ban trick/treating. That is the only reason I can think of.


Hmmm… ** BIG SIGHHH ***. Next Halloween, hopefully Nikki will have fun at least at his day care. We cannot obviously sell this and buy a new house just so we can celebrate Halloween.

First Fall...

Nikki had his first fall last night, actually wee hours of today morning around 2:30 AM. I was away in the kitchen, mixing formula for him. His Daddy who was prodded by Mommy before she went off to the kitchen, said “hmm” and went right back to sleep. Nikki was crying out for Amma and was trying to reach her, he crossed over 2 pillows and fell down with a big thud. Daddy woke up and rushed to his rescue, Grandma came shouting & running and Amma followed suit from the kitchen with her heart pounding. Thank God for the thick carpet on the floor, nothing serious happened. My worst fear as I was running from kitchen to the bedroom was, what if he had hit the bed railings. Ours is a heavy wooden bed and the railings have rather sharp edges. The thought of it gives me shudders. Poor thing he cried and cried and finally went to sleep, slurping down his milk. I apologized so much to him for having left him there in peril’s way, it was actually DH’s fault, but I should be extra-precautious henceforth. I wouldn’t blame DH too, poor guy came to bed very late after doing lot of bill payments, sorting out bills/documents, all that stuff.

Nikki, sorry’da chellam.

Need some wisdom…

We are undertaking our first major trip across continents in about a month from now. And I am writing down the shopping list and a checklist of things that has to be packed up for Nikki. Even for a 2 hour trip that we make over the weekend to visit the temple, I pack up 2 bags for Nikki, 1 diaper bag and other a supply bag.
Diaper bag will have

· Epi-pen (injection for anaphylaxis – life threatening allergy attack)
· 5-6 diapers, wet-wipe box, diaper mat
· Formula supply that would last for a couple of days
· 3-4 of gerber/beechnut fruits / veggies (Nikki does not ever have them)
· 2 servings of ½ cup cereals (what if he doesn’t like rice and wants oats and vice versa)
· 1 serving of snack variety that is in vogue during that week
· 2 bottles, 3 spoons, sipper, 2 cups
· A flask with hot water
· 5 sets of clothes
· 3 pairs of socks, gloves, hats (even during hot summer, what if it suddenly gets cold)
· Infant Tylenol (what if …)
· Pedialyte (what if, you know what…)
· Moisturizers
· Hand sanitizer
· Pacifier (he has never had one, it MIGHT come to rescue if he cries inconsolably)
· Teethers, 1 or 2 toys (these will be taken in hand if the diaper bag overflows, which it does most of the times)
· Baby Comb (you won’t believe the amount of hair Nikki has, I can plait his hair. Will try posting his pictures soon, DH is not willing to make them public yet)
· Nursing pads for self (I stopped nursing him during the day 2 months back, what if?)
· My mobile and wallet if I don’t wear pants with pockets

Supply bag:

· flask with lukewarm water
· dozen diapers, one more box of wipe
· more toys
· towel
· blanket
· more food supplies depending upon the duration of the trip

My mom calls the diaper bag pudhayal (treasure trove), you will uncover lotsa stuff other than those mentioned above. Some examples: coupons, brochures from Ped’s office, prescriptions, pens, let me stop here, I am digressing from the point of this post. I think this must have given you guys an idea of the level of preparedness I am in for Nikki in normal circumstances, where I have access to all of these stuff in less than 30 minutes, even if I forget to take them along.

All of you travel-wise moms out there, please provide your 2 cents on what WILL BE, MIGHT BE required and WHAT YOU WISHED YOU HAD TAKEN while traveling to India. I am advised to even pack diapers, wipes and the like from here. I am not sure if I really have to, diapers & wipes that you get in India should be good enough I guess. But with Nikki, I want to be on the safer side, I would rather go overboard than regret after going there.

We are having a Ped visit coming up in a week, she said she would be immunizing him against Measles (he is close to 10 months now) and nothing else. One of my neighbor here said her Ped gave her daughter some pills to treat Malaria. Should I ask for anything from my Ped? Any wisdom on this account will be greatly appreciated. We are taking Lufthansa via Frankfurt, so any experiences, travel restrictions you have come across, heard about recently, please let me know.

Now, I don’t want to sound like a hyper-protective mom who thinks of India (rather coimbatore, my home town) as a disease ridden place. I want Nikki to be exposed to all kinds of environments, but reasonably so, I want to be enjoying our vacation there, not to let Nikki get sick and suffer along with him. Despite warnings of having a weakened immune system, I and DH are NOT taking any vaccines or tablets, just planning to be careful with water and outside food. The latter I don’t think I can, I am just waiting to devour all junk food from the street shops. The thought of having to vaccinate myself to be at MY HOME is unthinkable. I cannot even think like that.

The past week

and the weekend have been insanely busy. There is user testing starting in another 1 week, so burning midnight oil to complete some last minute change requests from clients, had guests(one of my close friends, enjoyed having them) from NJ visiting us over the weekend, completely exhausted by all the cooking and running around by Sunday evening. Another busssy week ahead… work is getting busier, there is a baby shower that is coming up this Saturday and I volunteered to cook 2 items and help with the decoration too, Sunday playing host for a tentative lunch/dinner party at our home… The weekend after next weekend is our anniversary and user testing will be happening at work.

Oh my… when will I get to shopping and packing? There is hardly a month left.

Will he grow?

In the past couple weeks, we’ve met lot of babies who are within +/- 6 months age bracket when compared to Nikki. And all of them look so big (at least tall), in spite of being small babies at birth. And this 9 pound, 21.7 inch baby looks so minuscule when compared to them. I know I shouldn’t be comparing, but I really can’t help. Is there anything I am doing wrong? Is there something I could have done better?

He is at the 10th percentile for his weight, has been there for the past 3 months. The growth curve started plunging deep downwards when he was 3 months. From birth, 90th percentile --> 80 --> 65 --> 40 --> 25 -->10. I hope to God that it doesn’t decline any further.

He is not a very poor eater. His hunger is almost always good, sometimes poor and sometimes very good. We started him on solids when he was 4 months, rice cereal once a day. By 5 months oats cereal was also introduced and he started having cereal twice a day. Around 5 ½ months, he was given the taste of fruits / vegetables. Carrots, sweet potatoes, apple sauce, bananas, peach. He ate bananas with interest for a couple of days. He loved his cereals (still loves) , but did not take to fruits/veggies well (not yet). We keep introducing him to fruits/veggies regularly, no luck yet.

We couldn’t introduce lot of variety in food to Nikki because of his eczema.The allergy tests are confusing to say the least. The skin tests and blood tests contradict each other for some food items. The blood tests tell he is allergic to almost everything other than Turkey, cod fish and carrot. Skin test for dairy was a clean negative. Allergist and the Ped are confused, they say he is an un-usual kid and we are going to repeat the skin tests again in a couple of weeks.

We met with the doc just 2 weeks back for his 9th month checkup and she does not seem to be very concerned about his growth curve. She usually is, but not this time. She told us they call this as a “Catch-down growth” pattern. Her reasoning is that he has never lost weight, he has been gaining albeit slowly and continues to follow the 10th percentile curve. His genes are catching up with him, he would grow up to be lanky like DH is what she says. I used to be convinced by that, but not now. Nikki is not a tall baby anymore. I have a feeling that the nurse did not measure him correctly. I have this doubt because just 1 week back, we had been to the Allergist and there he was measured 26.5 inches and suddenly in 7 days, he shows 28 inches at the Ped’s office. This cannot be true, he has not grown out of his clothes in the past 2-3 months. Hmm. I am really getting paranoid with his growth. I am going to buy a tape to measure him.

We (I & Paati) are trying to be creative in preparing food with the limited choices we have. He being a picky eater also does not help. His typical diet in a day would include 2 servings of ½ cup cereal, 1 serving Paruppu/Nei/keerai saadham, about 15 – 18 oz milk, 1 cup yogurt. He also has snacks - teeny bits of home made fruits / vegetables, shredded cheese any other finger food we like him to try. Sometimes we try home made soups and juices with him too. These snacks sometimes find their way into his mouth, sometimes don’t. We do it just for the sake of introducing new tastes/foods. Being a staunch vegetarian that I am, I am even ready to feed him meat if he will put on weight. I tried chicken with him a couple of times, his teeth are not out yet, so tried shredded pieces once and ground chicken another time. He did not like it much, only a couple of spoons and he started spitting it on my face. Well, I keep trying something or the other, not every day, at least every other day. Is there anything amiss in the way we are feeding Nikki?

I remember those days in the 1st 2 months of Nikki’s life when he looked like a poster baby, I couldn’t even hold his head while nursing because of immense wrist pain caused by De Quervain’s Syndrome and I would wish if he had born a couple of pounds lesser. After the first month visit, in one of the most painful moments, I even wished his weight gain slowed. But that was only a fleeting thought that occurred when all of my post partum troubles(that entails a post by itself) would play against me and would prevent me from even enjoying my baby. My wrist pain was so bad that I would hold Nikki only for feeding. I feel so guilty now for thinking like that then. Big SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Will he grow? Will he remain the way he is now? I know I am being stupid, but I do get such irrational fears. Have I become complacent and tired to try new things after the umpteen doctor visits and allergy tests? Should I spend more time with him, trying out new food? Will I do a better job if I stayed home? I know he gets the best care in the world with my Amma, but I cannot help thinking if things would be better if I stayed home. I am confused, GUILTY & tired. That was the reason there were no updates on my blog. And our trip to NY, NJ last weekend.

The Dreams Tag

I was tagged by mnamma about my recurring dreams. Dreams are a big part of my life. I do lot of day-dreaming. I love spending time delving into fantasies. From what I’ve seen of others’ tag, I think this one is about sub-conscious dreams that come to you when you are in deep sleep. Sometimes I remember them very vividly, sometimes I don’t remember anything. But they make me feel all kinds of emotions like real life events.

1. Examinations – either going late to the exam, or going for the wrong exam, or going to school/college not knowing there is an exam. This has been haunting me forever.

2. Being half-naked / nearly naked – this is my worst nightmare. I will be trying so hard to hide somewhere, or to get dressed up in vain. No one else in my dream seem to notice my state, they go about doing their business as usual. This and the examination dream sometimes happen together. I.e. I go to exam half-naked.

3. Fire accidents – Caused by high intensity electric shocks and plane crashes. I will sometimes be scared to walk past electric posts, use the iron box, toaster and other electrical appliances when the memory of this dream is very vivid.

4. Movie – I watch movies in my dreams with my favorite stars and other film persona. It is not the real-life movie, but movies of my own making. I even go to the loo(in real life), come back to bed and continue the dream (rather movie) exactly from the place I left. I once dreamt of Maniratnam coming and asking me to act in one of his movies. J. I like movies and I am a very selective movie-goer. I have never wanted to make or act in a movie. I have no idea why I get these kind of dreams.

Yippeee!

We are going HOME for vacation. Tickets have been confirmed and the countdown has started. 52 days more. It has been 3 years since I went to India. Will be there close to 2 months. Everyone else, other than my mom and MIL will be seeing Nikki for the first time. My sis S is eagerly waiting for him and I am more eagerly waiting to see my niece V. V will be 2 years this Oct, I have NOT SEEN HER YET. :(. No amount of pictures, webcams and videos can substitute feeling someone physically. Especially holding & feeling a baby, the hugs,sloppy kisses, smotherings, burying your face into the small of the neck, just melting and feeling at peace in the presence of the tiny being. I missed everything. And they have missed Nikki too. At least he is seeing everyone before he turns one. V is already into her terrible 2's and is keeping everyone on her toes.

I have missed PEOPLE the MOST, next comes food and then comes the landscape itself. Planning to do a lottttttt of things. Let me see how the vacation turns out to be. Just hoping not to have one more confrontation with the ILs. I am confident this time that I won't get into such situations. Last time(that was actually the 1st time), I did not see it coming at all, not even a slightest idea of the brewing storm. That is the only thing that is bothering me. I don't even want to think about it now, let me take it as it comes.
For now, it is YIIIIPPPPPPPPPEEEEEE!

Middle names tag

This tag is for you Poppin’s mom. Since I don’t have a middle name, I will choose the name my sweetie pie would have had, had the naming process been left to me completely.

The three rules to be followed are:
a) The rules must be mentioned in the beginning of the tag.
b) You must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.
c) At the end of your blog post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

NANDHAN

N – November a very eventful month, kind of happy month for us. It is when DH proposed to me and exactly on the same date, 3 years later, we got married. I am still wondering how this great coincidence happened. We had our baby shower on Nov 5th last year.

A – Ambitious. I used to be a highly ambitious person. That motivated me to achieve a lot of things in my life. There is no such drive now, I already feel so old, like I have run out of gas. I would give anything to get back to my old self.

N – Naïve is what I am when it comes to human relationships. I do not know to handle/manipulate people to achieve my ends. I cannot even think like that. As a consequence, I do not understand when people try to manipulate me. This was reinforced again with lot of bitter bitter incidents during MIL’s stay at our home.

D – Dilemma – is how I can describe my mindset in most decision making situations. I am such a poor decision maker, I keep dilly dallying even for the smallest thing. And once I decide on something, most of the times I regret for not choosing the other option I had.

H – Hilton hotel in Colorado is where I conceived Nikki. DH was on a business trip and I joined him to make use of the 3-4 baby making days that come along in a month. And Voila! The stay really did turn out to be fruitful.

A – August – Dr. August is the name of my OB/GYN who delivered my sweetie pie. August is DH’s birth month too. He is a Leo.

N – npr(National Public Radio – npr.org) is what you will hear if you are with me in my car. The kind of in-depth analysis, breadth of information, fairness and openness in the way news is presented and discussed, I haven’t seen anywhere. I don’t watch TV at all, thanks to NPR. After listening to NPR, when I see these news stations on TV, they look like cheap tabloids compared against a classic work. How I wish there was a news media in India that is at least 10% like npr.

Now I tag Just Like That, S, Sue, Ceekay, Krishnapriya, UTBT and Trishna. Let us have a peek into your lives!

The pisaasu at our home...

Ottu pisaasu is his new nick name. Nikki is a born clinger. Actually clinger is not the word, I am at a loss of words to explain his behavior. Guess his new nick name does justice. He absolutely needs to paste himself onto amma/paati always. At least they have to be sitting close to him for him to act normally. He will explore the world only if it is within his arm’s reach. I wouldn’t call him lazy, he is not idle. He just doesn’t show interest in moving. If he is bored, or if he is not able to reach something, he starts wailing. Unless there is something extremely tempting, like a cellphone, remote or a laptop he wouldn’t crawl. He is content playing with his toys, chewing amma’s / paati’s or his own dress and babbling NON-STOP. He would pull himself upto a stand holding onto amma/paati rather than a piece of furniture. If manipulated to stand holding to a couch he will make a few steps, then look back to see if amma is within his reach. If she is not, he would take his hands off the couch and somebody would come running to catch him before his precious skull hits the floor.

These days he reminds me of a old tamil song. It is actually a song sung under tragic circumstances

“Silar azhuvaar
Silar sirippar
Naan azhuthu konde sirikkindren”

“Some people cry
Some people laugh
But I am doing both simultaneously”

And this is why.

Nikki is sitting up playing with his toys. Amma is playing with him. He is happy, smiling, giggling, babbling, exploring(read chewing,banging,poking) his toys. Suddenly he looks up and amma is nowhere to be seen. He lets out a loud wail like somebody is strangling him. Initially the poor amma used to drop whatever she was doing(even attending to nature’s calls) and rush to his rescue. After a few days, instead of rushing, she started watching him. The moment he sees no-one close to him, he gets angry, throws the toy and lets out his characterestic wail. Amma responds with her voice assuring him that she is around and she will come soon. The pitch increases steadily and if there is no amma in sight yet, tears start flowing down. Amma talks to him yet again telling him all good things. Asking him not to cry, he should not cling to mom, he should be on his own , if he wants amma, he should TRY coming to her. He turns to the direction of the sound, but he wouldn’t try to crawl in that direction. The cry now reaches feverish pitch and amma cannot hear it any longer. She comes within his view and that is when this happens. The wail immediately becomes a cry interspersed with signs of laughter. As she comes closer to him, he will laugh and cry simultaneously. Amma comes close to him, but refuses to pick him up. He starts flailing his hands if he is sitting. If he is on his back on the floor, both arms and legs will be flailing and legs will be banged onto the floor with big thuds. The moment mom stretches her arms towards him as if she is going to pick him up, the wail stops, and gasping starts. The moment amma touches him, the giggling starts and when he is wrapped in her embrace, laughter erupts. Amma’s hair is pulled in all directions, she is given sloppy kisses and loving hugs as expression of happiness. Amma just melts in his embrace.

PS: For those who noticed the change from “Duddu” to “Nikki” in the blog header, the name “Duddu” has become obsolete in our household. Since the nick names keep changing, I opted for “Nikki” that is coined from his real name.

Fair and Lovely !

This irks me to no end. Not because I am dark skinned, but because I am happy about my color. Why is being dark considered such a bad thing. Why do people go gaga over somebody’s color, (rather lack of it, white is lack of color)? Won’t one look lovely without being fair? Does fairness alone bring about loveliness in somebody’s face? Good, healthy, blemish less skin gives glow to people of any skin color.

Now, to why this topic came about. There was a baby shower last Sunday for one of our friends who is having her second baby this December. When we started lunch, started a conversation with her. I was asking her if she has gotten over nausea and if she is able to eat all kinds of food. She was telling me that she is not able to drink Tropicana Orange juice, but her husband is forcing her to drink, in spite of she substituting it with clementine (fruit from the orange family). I was like, what?? Whole fruit is better than the Trop OJ that lacks fiber and comes packed with sugar and preservatives. It took me a while to digest what she told me. Actually, I am still digesting it. Her 1st daughter (lets call her D) was born with “GOOD” color because she had Tropicana OJ during her pregnancy. So she is supposed to eat all that she ate during her first pregnancy and NOT EAT anything new that she did not eat during that term. And that includes “NO PRE-NATAL VITAMINS” until 5th month of her pregnancy. (because of lot of reasons, she went to the doc only by the end of her 4th month during her 1st preg).

Now, let me make a few things clear before I go on with this. She and D are dark wheatish color. Her husband is pitch-dark. I have seen pictures of her in-laws. The husband gets his color from his mother. D (the daughter) has some problem with her kidneys and eyes from birth, which I think might be because the mom did not have the pre-natal vitamins during the vital 1st trimester. Having Juice, saffron all that is ok, but not having pre-natal vitamins?!. I was furious, how can you not eat pre-natal vitamins, I asked her, you can do it even without your husband knowing it. Only then, I came to know, she also believes in it. Since she had D in a remote town near Madurai and D was brought up there without crib, swing, bouncer and all the paraphernalia that comes with a baby in the US, they wouldn’t buy anything for the second one, other than the bare necessities. I already started pitying the second one. Her logic is they are trying to treat both of them impartially and bring them up equally. What would you say? There were lot of things that came to my mind, but I kept shut. I did not want to pick up an argument with her. Will you be able to give the undivided attention and all of your time to the second one like you did for the first one. There are a lot of things that are special for the first one. I couldn’t keep quiet completely though. I asked her, “A, you would have seen a plethora of beauty products in US, have you seen any product being marketed for making people fair? There are lot of blacks here, darker than us Indians. They don’t crave to become fair. Infact, I have seen whites here wanting to get some tan on their skin”. She just smiled and she said “your son is fair, so you are talking like this”. I did not see any point in pursuing this topic with her. Then in the same gathering, I spoke to 2 more people who buy “Fair & Lovely” from the Indian grocery stores here and use it religiously. “You still haven’t lost hope?” was my question.

I was ranting, ranting and ranting all the way home and I still am. I cannot stand that people can think like this. I do not judge somebody’s beauty / personality by their color. I did not have any color preference for my baby. DH happens to be fair and since my son is a clone of his father, he got his color too. I actually like brown skinned people. Being brown / black is a part of my identity. I am proud about it. Wanting to become fair, according to me is, trying to become someone you are not. Masking yourself because you are ashamed of your identity. Only people with low self-esteem would do it. I have heard this thing about color from lot of us Indians. My in-laws too, my SIL denounced me for being brown (she is a shade darker than me). I laugh at such people, those comments do not even bother me. I have been wanting to rant about this for a long time, when my MIL made an ugly comment about one of our friend’s baby because she is dark. (the baby is a doll, beautiful big eyes, lovely lips, I love her). Because it was my MIL, it did not affect me a lot. But people in my age group thinking like this. I thought living in the US might change people, their attitude and outlook towards life might improve a little bit, everything else might, but “the craze for being fair will be for ever” I think. “Fair-ever”! Indian cosmetic makers know how to name their products.

Nick names...

No one tagged me on this, yet I wanted to do this for my own sake...

I don't think I can remember all of the names bestowed upon him so far, for the list may hit a hundred. Some very embarassing, some sillybilly meaningless ones, some names apparently with some reasoning...

Duddu came to this world on a Tuesday night. He was shown to me only after my Mom & DH had a look at him and his second Apgar test was over. And that is good 10 minutes after he was born. All the while I was shouting ‘Show my baby”, “It is still paining”(apparently I thought the pain reduces immediately after the baby comes out) when the doc was sewing up my episiotomy tear. The first thing that flashed my mind then was he was a clone of DH and I couldn't find anything resembling me or my side of the family. He was taken to the nursery that night after the customary ribbon-cutting ceremony of the milk shop.

The next morning, his royal highness was brought into our room, and that is when I looked at him fully. When he was given to me the previous night, he was already swaddled and all that I could see was his face, not even his hair. He was so fair, lotss of black hair, small eyes twinkling from within the pinkish white chubby face and he just plundered my heart. He was not like the wrinkly tiny new born babies who hardly open their eyes. He already looked like he was 3 months old, his bright eyes wide open and alert and looking around scanning the room. (Did I tell you he was 9 pounds?) The first thing that crossed my mind was a bunch of roses. I instantly called him "Rose" and "Rosu kutti". And then came “Thaamarai poo” (lotus), “Shenbaga poo”(do not know the English equivalent, it is a very fragrant flower, one of my most favorite ones), “Malli poo”(jasmine), etc. and finally I settled for “Poo kudai”(basket of flowers) and “Poo kutti”.

Mom was calling him all the customary names already : Raja, Rajaathi, Chellam(pampered one), Thangam (gold) and the names of all precious stones : Vairam, Vaidooriyam, Komethagam, Manikkam. Some more names that are customary in our household are Alagesa(lord of beauty), Arivesa(lord of knowledge), Muththazhagu(pearly beauty) and Azhagi(beauty). As is common from the place I come from, he got named after Peacock, Kuckoo with all sorts of adjectives prefixed. Here goes that list: Mayilu (peacock), Vanna mayilu(colorful p-cock), Thanga mayilu (golden pcock), Azhagu mayilu(beautiful pcock), Kandha mayilu(Kandha’s (Lord Muruga) pcock), Kuyilu kutti. To denote the sweetness he brought into our lives, he was called Vella katti (jaggery block), Chakkara katti (sugar block).

There is a lullaby song where the baby is addressed as “jo-jo pappa”. As I started singing it to him, he got named “jo-jo”. This was my frequently used name for the most part of his first month. When he lies on the mat everyday diaper-free to be massaged with oil, (or for that matter whenever he is diaper free), he is called “Kunjumani” and “Sunjumani” for showing off his assets.

When he started flashing those smiles around 5-6 weeks, “Kalla” was added to the list. And before I forget, let me add this. He was named after lot of Lord Krishna’s and Lord Muruga’s names. Kutti kanna, Kutti Muruga, Mayakkanna and Kallazhaga being the most famous ones.

DH was calling him “kutti paiya” (small boy) from day 1. And till today, all the names that DH has given him are derived out of this. Even the lullaby he sings for him. For some reasoning behind “Duddu”, it evolved from “kutti paiya”, Kutti became “Duddi” and from there it was a free run. The most recent nick name DH has given is “Budees” and “Budeesa”.
Duddu and all of its’ variations: Duddi, Duddees, Duddaai, Duddipees, Duddubudai, dussi baby, dutchy baby, Budu (Du evolved into Bu), Budaai. At one point of time, I called him “Da daa de dee du duu dae daee dai do doe dow” (If you know Tamil, you know what this is)

For the warrior poses he strikes when he demands something, he was named Veerapandi Aarumugam (a minister in TN cabinet, he is not a fighter of any sort, just that his name suggests bravery), Mathurai veeran (A ferocious folk God who protects) and Bailwaan. Peas, kutti peas, peasu kutti, peech peech, duddi peech, Peapod. Gunda, kutti Gunda, Gundi, Gundu peechi, Olli peechi(variation of Olli Kuchi). For those who are confused by now, whether he is fat or thin, he is neither fat nor thin, though sometimes he looks thin.

If you have read until this, I appreciate your patience.

Now, coming to his lullabies, I sometimes sing lullaby songs from movies (Malarndhum malaraadha, Thenpaandi seemayile, Laali laali), most of the times it is some gibberish and / or all of the nick names listed above embedded between “Aaa ree raa roo”, “Joo jo joo jo”, “Ooo bow bow bow”. Mom sings some songs from folk-lore and the popular lullaby songs. A sample from my repertoire:

Oo Jo Joe Joe
Oo Jo Joe Jo Joe Jo Joe Jo
Kutti pappa aa ree roe
Thanga mayile aa ree roe
Vella katti Oo Roe Roe
Oh bow bow bow bow bow bow


MIL never gave him any nick names. Towards the end of her stay, she started calling him “Duddu”, the name that his father gave him. She did not know any songs when she first came here and she put to use the “Thalattu Songs” CD that we had got from India. Those were classical songs and somehow I never liked them so much. She used to play them on the CD player, and gradually learnt them by-heart and started singing them to him. She doesn’t like music(!!!!!!!!!!!!) and so she doesn’t show interest in songs is what she says. Good that she took interest in learning the lullaby songs for the sake of her grandson. He wouldn’t sleep otherwise.

Lullaby song from DH’s repertoire:

Budu Budu kutti Budu
Bam Bam Budu Budu
Kutti Budu Duddu Budu
Boink Boink Budu Budu
Bam Bam Bam Bam
Budu Budu Bam Bam

I think I have embarrassed our family enough. Just goes to show much crazy the whole family is about Duddu. I am sure he will get much more nick names during our trip to India and also as he grows.

And if you have come thus far, WOOWWWWWW!

PS: Amidst all this chaos, he was given a name that was to be used only when others enquired about his name. And of course it is also used in his birth certificate and the passport. And that is “Nikhil”.